Texts From Last Night

Slothstalk's Favorites Texts:

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  (516): View more from New York

  drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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  (516): drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries http://tfl.nu/4gv5
  Replies (4) Good night (2935) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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  (416): I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin http://tfl.nu/wbk6
  Replies (12) Good night (4426) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this

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  (778): She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this http://tfl.nu/vwo0
  Replies (5) Good night (976) Bad night (1945) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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  (+44): i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down http://tfl.nu/7vyc
  Replies (4) Good night (2651) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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  (281): Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute. http://tfl.nu/xxsd
  Replies (12) Good night (3440) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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  (417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp
  Replies (10) Good night (4862) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

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  (401): Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line http://tfl.nu/kpx6
  Replies (12) Good night (2753) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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  (+44): The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad... http://tfl.nu/0y4t
  Replies (5) Good night (674) Bad night (1947) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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  (508): NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY. http://tfl.nu/zzc9
  Replies (6) Good night (2946) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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  (613): Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover http://tfl.nu/cy4m
  Replies (5) Good night (3146) Bad night (1420) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
  Replies (11) Good night (6342) Bad night (1842) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.

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  (570): I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end. http://tfl.nu/kio4
  Replies (21) Good night (2665) Bad night (1255) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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  (850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9
  Replies (47) Good night (1765) Bad night (7020) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

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  (403): luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist. http://tfl.nu/qzta
  Replies (16) Good night (2921) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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  (818): Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some. http://tfl.nu/upkj
  Replies (5) Good night (1053) Bad night (3014) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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  (207): My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad. http://tfl.nu/6faf
  Replies (8) Good night (4374) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
  Replies (9) Good night (3349) Bad night (1392) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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  (+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs
  Replies (22) Good night (8474) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

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  (303): I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window. http://tfl.nu/dr4o
  Replies (5) Good night (3123) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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  (920): just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny http://tfl.nu/f2gi
  Replies (39) Good night (2049) Bad night (7160) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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  (989): It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here. http://tfl.nu/e0yb
  Replies (6) Good night (3145) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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  (256): Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed http://tfl.nu/t8qm
  Replies (28) Good night (5152) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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  (913): come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up. http://tfl.nu/dd2l
  Replies (10) Good night (4429) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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  (309): with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone. http://tfl.nu/1pr2
  Replies (9) Good night (4016) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

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  (807): her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me http://tfl.nu/f0ty
  Replies (15) Good night (4298) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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  (780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf
  Replies (12) Good night (6077) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid

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  (573): My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid http://tfl.nu/x6gk
  Replies (7) Good night (977) Bad night (2813) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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  (508): There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day. http://tfl.nu/fth0
  Replies (12) Good night (3148) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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  (724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct
  Replies (27) Good night (7473) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
  Replies (7) Good night (5177) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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  (276): Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you. http://tfl.nu/pes1
  Replies (7) Good night (2776) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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  (519): you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner. http://tfl.nu/pwti
  Replies (7) Good night (3422) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
  Replies (11) Good night (5248) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
  Replies (14) Good night (7726) Bad night (1449) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
  Replies (6) Good night (5035) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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  (512): Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob' http://tfl.nu/rohh
  Replies (17) Good night (1011) Bad night (2221) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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  (703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/2s4x
  Replies (10) Good night (6580) Bad night (802)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
  Replies (23) Good night (11645) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard

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  (317): i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard http://tfl.nu/sbl9
  Replies (10) Good night (1026) Bad night (3107) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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  (517): He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine http://tfl.nu/n0tq
  Replies (20) Good night (5460) Bad night (948) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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  (630): She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/xz6e
  Replies (22) Good night (4544) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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  (206): someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'. http://tfl.nu/u94d
  Replies (9) Good night (6833) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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  (646): Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going? http://tfl.nu/kahl
  Replies (12) Good night (2429) Bad night (4311) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
  Replies (17) Good night (6386) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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  (219): I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry http://tfl.nu/lrp2
  Replies (21) Good night (1061) Bad night (4351) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
  Replies (12) Good night (4214) Bad night (1537) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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  (813): It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow. http://tfl.nu/0mxe
  Replies (18) Good night (1631) Bad night (5234) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
  Replies (142) Good night (2105) Bad night (49766) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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  (814): My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!! http://tfl.nu/fx6s
  Replies (16) Good night (808) Bad night (5518) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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  (516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq
  Replies (8) Good night (5249) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
  Replies (17) Good night (8498) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
  Replies (20) Good night (6394) Bad night (1027)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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  (414): I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome. http://tfl.nu/m7qx
  Replies (4) Good night (3020) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
  Replies (24) Good night (9101) Bad night (1344)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.

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  (703): I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone. http://tfl.nu/c91d
  Replies (4) Good night (2377) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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  (404): Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it... http://tfl.nu/ne4c
  Replies (10) Good night (4483) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
  Replies (7) Good night (5782) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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  (239): all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut http://tfl.nu/x9ek
  Replies (14) Good night (3571) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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  (954): I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart. http://tfl.nu/2rds
  Replies (22) Good night (4165) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
  Replies (15) Good night (8656) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
  Replies (15) Good night (13005) Bad night (992)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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  (218): I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face http://tfl.nu/wyrl
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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  (252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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  (504): I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee http://tfl.nu/ouc6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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  (727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex http://tfl.nu/jq0b
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  (561): View more from Florida

  oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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  (561): oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything http://tfl.nu/egks
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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  (484): we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song. http://tfl.nu/huqy
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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  (701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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  (307): first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester. http://tfl.nu/skng
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  organizing the empties. That sober.

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  (508): organizing the empties. That sober. http://tfl.nu/fz1p
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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  (919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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  (512): I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night... http://tfl.nu/5pml
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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  (973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

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  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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  (423): drunk tastebuds have low standards. http://tfl.nu/mx1k
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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  (832): You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry http://tfl.nu/vuqf
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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  (770): I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected. http://tfl.nu/i708
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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  (724): You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night. http://tfl.nu/vcog
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  (954): View more from Florida

  It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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  (954): It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school http://tfl.nu/yqnn
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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  (405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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  (412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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  (413): He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m. http://tfl.nu/2wu4
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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  (314): I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/5nj6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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  (203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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  (570): How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks" http://tfl.nu/r0yt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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  (218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me http://tfl.nu/kwsp
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.

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  (413): Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking. http://tfl.nu/aegx
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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  (804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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  (314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x
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  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
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  (917): View more from New York City

  your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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  (917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o
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  (210): View more from Texas

  every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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  (210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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  (410): forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this http://tfl.nu/291a
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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  (413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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  (225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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  (516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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  (630): You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup. http://tfl.nu/bmm0
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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  (804): Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos? http://tfl.nu/p64w
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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  (763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread. http://tfl.nu/qy40
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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  (509): Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"? http://tfl.nu/n4zp
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  (716): View more from New York

  she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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  (716): she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives. http://tfl.nu/3y3d
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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  (773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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  (314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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  (+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw
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  (786): View more from Florida

  hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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  (786): hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night. http://tfl.nu/2z1d
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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  (203): I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/i7wi
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  (949): View more from California

  Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

  (619): View more from California

  hahahahahahahahahahaha

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  (949): Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth? (619): hahahahahahahahahahaha http://tfl.nu/hwol
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.

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  (484): So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention. http://tfl.nu/x7xj
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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  (856): What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again. http://tfl.nu/nufk
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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  (904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations

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  (216): Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations http://tfl.nu/f8qq
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

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  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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  (732): why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon? (1-732): shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work http://tfl.nu/tkf9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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  (908): my sombrero is too big for the bathroom http://tfl.nu/okhq
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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  (919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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  (419): This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream? http://tfl.nu/farl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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  (908): how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots http://tfl.nu/lfl0
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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  (252): This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero. http://tfl.nu/82jq
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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  (802): i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/lstw
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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  (609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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  (513): You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/utqj
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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  (609): Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand. http://tfl.nu/nkg8
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  ..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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  (514): ..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop http://tfl.nu/2wez
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  (510): View more from California

  i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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  (510): i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter. http://tfl.nu/xztf
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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  (813): I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this? http://tfl.nu/o9lt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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  (972): I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches. http://tfl.nu/t94t
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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  (585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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  (610): it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again. http://tfl.nu/0grs
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  (516): View more from New York

  Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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  (516): Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now http://tfl.nu/8cl1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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  (203): Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water http://tfl.nu/s84f
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  (310): View more from California

  I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.

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  (310): I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless. http://tfl.nu/yhaf
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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  (216): you turned your livingroom into a bong? http://tfl.nu/pj3a
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  (206): View more from Washington

  A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings

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  (206): A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings http://tfl.nu/86t1
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  (858): View more from California

  Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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  (858): Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel. http://tfl.nu/fcxh
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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  (407): Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast. http://tfl.nu/8b17
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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  (660): Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport... http://tfl.nu/e5jz
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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  (647): We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood http://tfl.nu/ffyp
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  (716): View more from New York

  the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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  (716): the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is.. http://tfl.nu/mon5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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  (937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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  (203): we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing http://tfl.nu/99kd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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  (413): I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick. http://tfl.nu/84fo
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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  (305): I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night. http://tfl.nu/49y3
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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  (631): Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas... http://tfl.nu/m2r4
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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  (219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives. http://tfl.nu/v9m4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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  (248): If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme. http://tfl.nu/8vj2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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  (503): Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college. http://tfl.nu/hzqm
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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  (614): If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold. http://tfl.nu/55cb
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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  (248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing. http://tfl.nu/gzcy
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again

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  (703): oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again http://tfl.nu/dw4b
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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  (617): he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home. http://tfl.nu/gpi6
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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  (952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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  (201): I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high. http://tfl.nu/lc86
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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  (508): currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit. http://tfl.nu/vzj2
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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  (506): I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why. http://tfl.nu/rcz3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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  (330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

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  (817): I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating http://tfl.nu/2j7q
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  (516): View more from New York

  My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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  (516): My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say http://tfl.nu/znzu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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  (207): no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod. http://tfl.nu/vf6z
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  (368): View more from

  you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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  (368): you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/nfr6
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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  (708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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  (303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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  (217): you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot http://tfl.nu/time
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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  (908): just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/nghc
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.

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  (571): I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub. http://tfl.nu/fw5s
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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  (973): I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship. http://tfl.nu/z11g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (585): View more from New York

  please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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  (585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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  (574): I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA. http://tfl.nu/q47o
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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  (717): Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list. http://tfl.nu/k33x
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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  (847): she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides http://tfl.nu/frdu
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  (805): View more from California

  So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.

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  (805): So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all. http://tfl.nu/imgn
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.

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  (864): Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume. http://tfl.nu/gbul
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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  (541): I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago. http://tfl.nu/gs96
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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  (860): you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer http://tfl.nu/h8i3
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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  (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible". http://tfl.nu/e3k3
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome

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  (612): adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome http://tfl.nu/w0f6
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

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  (219): talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high? http://tfl.nu/47rp
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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  (513): there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends" http://tfl.nu/u7q7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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  (215): me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk. http://tfl.nu/afjb
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  i hope so.

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  (252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night? (816): i hope so. http://tfl.nu/2flb
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  (407): View more from Florida

  just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

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  (407): just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic? http://tfl.nu/xncy
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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