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We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
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