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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Kiss
Puke
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he was CRYING into my vagina
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
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