Texts From Last Night

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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.

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  (504): You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand. http://tfl.nu/3jk2
  Replies (7) Good night (618) Bad night (1514) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least

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  (541): Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least http://tfl.nu/6jj4
  Replies (5) Good night (1015) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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  (785): When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die. http://tfl.nu/c7go
  Replies (4) Good night (1296) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Again?

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  (309): He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass. (1-309): Again? http://tfl.nu/q9t8
  Replies (8) Good night (534) Bad night (1168) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

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  (516): We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/tkh6
  Replies (8) Good night (2117) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all

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  (970): So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all http://tfl.nu/hnjr
  Replies (6) Good night (357) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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  (312): When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad? http://tfl.nu/0o5n
  Replies (14) Good night (1330) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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  (805): My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit. http://tfl.nu/alyo
  Replies (9) Good night (1699) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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  (585): javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks http://tfl.nu/0lfa
  Replies (7) Good night (998) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you

  (831): View more from California

  He's CUTE. and foreign

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  (415): Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you (831): He's CUTE. and foreign http://tfl.nu/untm
  Replies (2) Good night (957) Bad night (306)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.

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  (775): I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen. http://tfl.nu/oi7l
  Replies (1) Good night (815) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  PS: I just woke up from my shower

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  (636): PS: I just woke up from my shower http://tfl.nu/57k9
  Replies (6) Good night (1184) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (+88): View more from

  I swear the crows are laughing at me.

  (1+88): View more from

  You my friend are stoned into submission

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  (+88): I swear the crows are laughing at me. (1+88): You my friend are stoned into submission http://tfl.nu/466h
  Replies (8) Good night (918) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?

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  (773): Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents? http://tfl.nu/nffm
  Replies (4) Good night (678) Bad night (368)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"

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  (774): You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!" http://tfl.nu/sqoz
  Replies (4) Good night (1584) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.

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  (712): I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray. http://tfl.nu/8ri0
  Replies (5) Good night (1712) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.

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  (704): She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast. http://tfl.nu/wpj9
  Replies (4) Good night (1559) Bad night (449)
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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  (415): Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/kxjk
  Replies (8) Good night (2138) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"

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  (630): REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl" http://tfl.nu/5hw7
  Replies (13) Good night (2284) Bad night (819)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
  Replies (121) Good night (3911) Bad night (62201) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
  Replies (260) Good night (3966) Bad night (78191)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168292) Bad night (42167) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (86) Good night (39689) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40140) Bad night (1532)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1924)
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
  Replies (124) Good night (42338) Bad night (1227) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (43798) Bad night (1657) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44158) Bad night (1706) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (43945) Bad night (1997)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
  Replies (110) Good night (45987) Bad night (2487) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (116) Good night (46429) Bad night (2026) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46605) Bad night (1694)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
  Replies (110) Good night (50623) Bad night (1666) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (51294) Bad night (3141) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51582) Bad night (2265)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (182) Good night (51528) Bad night (1870)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
  Replies (434) Good night (54932) Bad night (6425) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54034) Bad night (4405) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60858) Bad night (1897) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
  Replies (209) Good night (61987) Bad night (2278) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65395) Bad night (3441)
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72068) Bad night (2126) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73396) Bad night (2473) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80199) Bad night (4310) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
  Replies (301) Good night (100330) Bad night (5713)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112227) Bad night (9731) Order T-Shirt