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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it glows. i had to have it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
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