Texts From Last Night · Rexxar's Favorites

Rexxar's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

Fav 18 6431 922
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

Fav 9 2994 954
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

Fav 10 3990 835
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

Fav 6 3207 918
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

Fav 9 2578 763
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

Fav 10 4397 1046
share tweet

(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

Fav 10 2281 786
share tweet

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.

Fav 2 1057 1332
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

Fav 6 914 2084
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(606): View more from Kentucky

I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.

Fav 11 736 4397
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.

(701): View more from North Dakota

You're so thoughtful.

Fav 1 1544 691
share tweet

(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

Fav 6 1244 1786
share tweet

(716): View more from New York

The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

Fav 7 2970 883
share tweet
(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

Fav 11 3521 830
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

Fav 11 2399 633
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

Fav 7 2959 991
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

Fav 6 2796 961
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

Fav 10 3175 830
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

Fav 7 3524 946
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

Fav 12 3303 1178
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

Fav 7 3653 944
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

Fav 5 2290 847
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

Fav 5 3215 921
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

Fav 11 2508 854
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

Fav 10 2282 768
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

Fav 7 2350 925
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2898 1217
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

Fav 17 2806 820
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115811 11194
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137211 6907
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

Fav 8 3827 1110
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

Fav 3 2950 1436
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

Fav 17 1324 2402
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

Fav 6 2497 983
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

Fav 7 4896 1152
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

Fav 12 2900 885
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

Fav 9 1109 2258
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

Fav 9 1030 3584
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

Fav 10 2355 1412
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

Fav 13 4202 1193
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

Fav 10 1188 1867
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

Fav 7 2806 842
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

Fav 3 1253 1699
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

Fav 4 2299 838
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

Fav 4 2143 807
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

Fav 18 4542 1168
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

Fav 10 3909 998
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

Fav 13 4292 1045
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

Fav 7 4770 1144
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

Fav 13 1659 878
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

Fav 21 3222 1210
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

Fav 18 5232 1352
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

Fav 17 3434 970
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

Fav 10 5677 1130
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

Fav 7 2375 1188
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

Fav 17 1563 3539
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

Fav 3 2313 854
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

Fav 4 2817 1075
share tweet
(949): View more from California

am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

(415): View more from California

i thought you knew

Fav 4 2165 1010
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

Fav 9 2046 1373
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

Fav 22 5114 1227
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

Fav 3 3015 968
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

Fav 8 6101 1165
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5779 1299
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8588 112707
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

Fav 21 1084 6009
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed

Fav 4 1106 2302
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

Fav 12 2593 1140
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

Fav 10 3169 1211
share tweet
(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

Fav 5 3294 1118
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

Fav 8 3238 1047
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

Fav 19 5012 1081
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

Fav 12 4073 1191
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.

Fav 6 1260 2248
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

Fav 6 2594 942
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

Fav 8 3198 1095
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

Fav 13 3962 1612
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

Fav 10 2808 1256
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

Fav 16 5794 1170
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

Fav 3 3373 919
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1482
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

Fav 10 6027 1092
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

Fav 10 3432 1121
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3785 1726
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

Fav 7 2967 1154
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

Fav 8 2298 1312
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

Fav 9 3535 1162
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

Fav 7 2880 1176
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4649 1100
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6972 1257
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

Fav 10 5738 1207
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

Fav 16 3653 1248
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

Fav 24 1584 5362
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

Fav 6 4570 1439
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

Fav 35 8303 2168
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

Fav 9 4695 1931
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

Fav 10 3189 2232
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

Fav 12 9525 1520
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

Fav 25 9658 1311
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

Fav 18 9787 1855
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

Fav 22 10555 1410
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10253 2615
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10799 1901
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12055 1474
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

Fav 32 11262 1509
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13082 2007
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

Fav 36 14139 1377
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16125 2491
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18538 1570
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

Fav 26 15080 1638
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16889 1910
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89707 8268
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96415 5742
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92786 4892
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104239 6820
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4198 1339
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

Fav 1 1564 2446
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

Fav 6 6321 1096
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

Fav 6 4495 1320
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

Fav 14 6337 1458
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9277 2423
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

Fav 2 2978 1099
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

Fav 5 8675 1196
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

Fav 12 7453 1261
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

Fav 18 4657 1284
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

Fav 14 5656 1112
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

Fav 7 5395 1407
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

Fav 7 4450 1389
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11270 1735
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8879 1351
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

Fav 4 3430 1222
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

Fav 11 3890 1529
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

Fav 14 4566 1376
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

Fav 31 10626 1611
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

Fav 6 4837 1291
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

Fav 2 5394 1182
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

Fav 18 5250 1490
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5384 1804
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

Fav 8 7459 1144
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

Fav 20 12258 1655
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

Fav 28 5654 2133
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

Fav 26 2249 16876
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

Fav 5 4565 1119
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

Fav 14 6677 1209
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

Fav 14 4699 1273
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

Fav 25 7721 1542
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

Fav 2 4021 1476
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

Fav 14 6434 1389
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

Fav 12 7335 1401
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

Fav 26 7116 1684
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

Fav 9 7052 1303
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

Fav 14 5836 1499
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

Fav 14 1299 3529
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

Fav 25 7075 1341
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

Fav 17 5779 1366
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

Fav 25 6132 1422
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9609 1599
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

Fav 9 5690 1303
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

Fav 20 5030 1393
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

Fav 35 13002 1656
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20507 2052
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21682 2536
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

Fav 12 10340 1457
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

Fav 20 8995 1210
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

Fav 41 12268 2534
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

Fav 16 7100 1096
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

Fav 3 1637 3338
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6323 1311
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

Fav 15 4953 1215
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7339 1514
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

Fav 5 4080 1270
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

Fav 5 1049 3688
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

Fav 11 6658 1385
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

Fav 25 5165 1515
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

Fav 9 6016 1459
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

Fav 5 5623 1729
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

Fav 28 5688 1553
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

Fav 46 5181 2055
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

Fav 40 5319 1961
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

Fav 8 4696 1142
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

Fav 10 5651 1421
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

Fav 6 7464 1292
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27827 2972
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

Fav 13 4306 1719
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11865 2383
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8655 1401
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

Fav 11 4983 1495
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9150 1824
share tweet
(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

Fav 22 6689 1492
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13487 2852
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

Fav 18 7584 1158
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

Fav 31 11099 1626
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11591 1814
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

Fav 8 4509 1444
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

Fav 15 5696 1821
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

Fav 22 5310 2048
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

Fav 20 6891 1379
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

Fav 17 4275 1547
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

Fav 17 4571 1518
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

Fav 41 9809 1749
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2196 9874
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23537 2194
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

Fav 28 8960 1268
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18757 1876
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178640 8178
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

Fav 23 10450 1466
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

Fav 29 1575 7127
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

Fav 33 6303 1133
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

Fav 32 8107 1350
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

Fav 218 5738 25274
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

Fav 153 2495 26564
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

Fav 87 4042 32253
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

Fav 132 1688 30787
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7726 42050
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8561 49737
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2753
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49302 2809
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53558 2638
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61933 8168
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59114 5672
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75091 3007
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76368 3425
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67656 4389
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67221 3281
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68655 3915
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63932 5486
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82792 5238
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88704 9675
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131147 3910
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146086 10743
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173836 44306
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

Fav 50 7003 2900
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

Fav 17 8102 1443
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11269 1628
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15604 1980
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

Fav 10 4939 1337
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

Fav 8 4054 1639
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

Fav 9 5175 1412
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

Fav 9 7984 1516
share tweet