Renzillab's Favorites Texts:

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  (817): View more from Texas

  Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?

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  (817): Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one? http://tfl.nu/bc4f
  Replies (3) Good night (377) Bad night (132) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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  (219): I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying. http://tfl.nu/c4tp
  Replies (4) Good night (1154) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

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  (207): Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp http://tfl.nu/ovgv
  Replies (3) Good night (631) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.

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  (414): i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now. http://tfl.nu/jexc
  Replies (6) Good night (1053) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2783) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  It's ok, February is a short month

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  (507): No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month. (320): It's ok, February is a short month http://tfl.nu/u435
  Replies (5) Good night (872) Bad night (293)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

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  (336): Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question http://tfl.nu/9vj8
  Replies (12) Good night (1313) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?

  (903): View more from Texas

  I would peed on everything

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  (361): WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM? (903): I would peed on everything http://tfl.nu/6qp3
  Replies (4) Good night (258) Bad night (406)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.

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  (704): CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY. http://tfl.nu/twru
  Replies (6) Good night (884) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play

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  (315): dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play http://tfl.nu/32t6
  Replies (6) Good night (1519) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?

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  (515): I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king? http://tfl.nu/4eun
  Replies (5) Good night (1131) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.

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  (847): well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick. http://tfl.nu/owiw
  Replies (5) Good night (1445) Bad night (330)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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  (605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib
  Replies (12) Good night (3028) Bad night (271)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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  (215): i came so hard i kicked through my windshield http://tfl.nu/sfns
  Replies (8) Good night (2176) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.

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  (817): He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before. http://tfl.nu/79xu
  Replies (4) Good night (841) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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  (850): You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/k8oo
  Replies (2) Good night (1170) Bad night (207)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.

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  (623): He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix. http://tfl.nu/za16
  Replies (3) Good night (783) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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  (530): When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck. http://tfl.nu/3nwx
  Replies (11) Good night (1601) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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  (269): My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night." http://tfl.nu/krw1
  Replies (6) Good night (1550) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.

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  (775): My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am. http://tfl.nu/5s1a
  Replies (3) Good night (677) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?

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  (586): Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon? http://tfl.nu/3p6a
  Replies (2) Good night (2139) Bad night (255)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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  (512): He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear http://tfl.nu/jwyg
  Replies (6) Good night (1391) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant

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  (937): I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant http://tfl.nu/spdi
  Replies (10) Good night (1064) Bad night (248)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.

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  (586): I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins. http://tfl.nu/rkqp
  Replies (2) Good night (729) Bad night (269)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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  (509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen http://tfl.nu/7gtm
  Replies (4) Good night (2397) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
  Replies (11) Good night (2491) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight

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  (816): the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight http://tfl.nu/st8j
  Replies (3) Good night (1594) Bad night (205) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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  (720): Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am http://tfl.nu/x5gh
  Replies (14) Good night (283) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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  (716): definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush. http://tfl.nu/3ehj
  Replies (6) Good night (711) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I just blew my weed a kiss

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  (828): I just blew my weed a kiss http://tfl.nu/vers
  Replies (5) Good night (907) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.

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  (541): Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer. http://tfl.nu/uwby
  Replies (7) Good night (818) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

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  (916): Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice. http://tfl.nu/f46v
  Replies (6) Good night (1367) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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  (970): I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dlw8
  Replies (5) Good night (2245) Bad night (335)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

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  (618): I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close http://tfl.nu/i5mu
  Replies (3) Good night (1158) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

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  (801): Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way? http://tfl.nu/h6qu
  Replies (4) Good night (907) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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  (804): I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow! http://tfl.nu/cfk1
  Replies (10) Good night (2081) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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  (616): Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything? http://tfl.nu/t3z5
  Replies (23) Good night (2513) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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  (618): He's going to be my graduation present to myself. http://tfl.nu/441i
  Replies (3) Good night (1110) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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  (414): I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night. http://tfl.nu/mhsz
  Replies (13) Good night (491) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

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  (619): According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night. http://tfl.nu/q1q9
  Replies (2) Good night (692) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.

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  (570): I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight. http://tfl.nu/86fz
  Replies (7) Good night (812) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

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  (319): Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question http://tfl.nu/zh3n
  Replies (7) Good night (1242) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

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  (412): Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am? http://tfl.nu/j782
  Replies (7) Good night (1580) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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  (206): So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion http://tfl.nu/7dgu
  Replies (7) Good night (1342) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?

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  (347): I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay? http://tfl.nu/bmfn
  Replies (13) Good night (357) Bad night (1243) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?

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  (519): Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night? http://tfl.nu/5y2j
  Replies (3) Good night (868) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You are a booty call, not a friend.

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  (314): You are a booty call, not a friend. http://tfl.nu/bgd1
  Replies (9) Good night (1338) Bad night (1317) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.

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  (413): Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you. http://tfl.nu/55zo
  Replies (4) Good night (1225) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
  Replies (13) Good night (4414) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

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  (612): Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up. http://tfl.nu/k33q
  Replies (3) Good night (1590) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.

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  (707): Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish. http://tfl.nu/itg6
  Replies (2) Good night (1481) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her

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  (802): I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her http://tfl.nu/tidk
  Replies (7) Good night (1336) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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  (714): Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/kmrp
  Replies (20) Good night (518) Bad night (2877) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Sad Megan is Sad

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  Have you been drinking my beer?

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  (864): Sad Megan is Sad (1-864): Have you been drinking my beer? http://tfl.nu/x7xq
  Replies (5) Good night (847) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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  (970): I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend." http://tfl.nu/7i0l
  Replies (9) Good night (511) Bad night (2506) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunday is the day of rest.

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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  (857): Sunday is the day of rest. (857): As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest. http://tfl.nu/lma5
  Replies (3) Good night (1889) Bad night (335)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see

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  (973): Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see http://tfl.nu/gnrw
  Replies (5) Good night (1000) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.

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  (920): Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees. http://tfl.nu/3c2q
  Replies (8) Good night (1263) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  I'm sorry I peed on your everything.

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  (951): I'm sorry I peed on your everything. http://tfl.nu/ktzg
  Replies (5) Good night (629) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We left the knife in your bed.

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  (780): We left the knife in your bed. http://tfl.nu/mwcc
  Replies (9) Good night (449) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3489) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.

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  (281): Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out. http://tfl.nu/697e
  Replies (2) Good night (1146) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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  (205): A beer is a heart your wish makes!!! http://tfl.nu/w148
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!

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  (701): He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time! http://tfl.nu/6xbr
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self

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  (514): She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self http://tfl.nu/l5li
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

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  (218): At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me? http://tfl.nu/x27k
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.

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  (574): We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head. http://tfl.nu/s37i
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I was drunk

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Please answer

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  (312): I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex (312): I was drunk (312): Please answer http://tfl.nu/4zur
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  (914): View more from New York

  Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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  (914): Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played. http://tfl.nu/0gxi
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

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  (319): i think i broke my dog last night...fuck http://tfl.nu/y38t
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  (914): View more from New York

  He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?

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  (914): He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message? http://tfl.nu/czyz
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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  (228): I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her? (601): probably "functioning vagina, must touch" http://tfl.nu/w791
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  (707): View more from California

  Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!

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  (707): Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital! http://tfl.nu/x7o2
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  (914): View more from New York

  I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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  (914): I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP. http://tfl.nu/wc3n
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.

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  (469): Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked. http://tfl.nu/5hhs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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  (303): exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake". http://tfl.nu/t5lj
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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  (+64): Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed. http://tfl.nu/5kj1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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  (215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway... http://tfl.nu/qwxo
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  (631): View more from New York

  His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets

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  (631): His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/4eyt
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  (310): View more from California

  Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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  (310): Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again http://tfl.nu/9kfj
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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  (208): He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like. http://tfl.nu/bbeg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.

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  (606): I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail. http://tfl.nu/b2ml
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.

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  (954): Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway. http://tfl.nu/lib4
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts

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  (812): Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts http://tfl.nu/1kvs
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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  (201): She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke http://tfl.nu/9cxf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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  (720): Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it. http://tfl.nu/6vuz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  and next time when you feel me up, do it right

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  (303): and next time when you feel me up, do it right http://tfl.nu/7fkv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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  (512): scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck http://tfl.nu/04pl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!

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  (214): COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!! http://tfl.nu/kzi1
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  (415): View more from California

  STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU

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  (415): STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU http://tfl.nu/78be
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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  (815): Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time. http://tfl.nu/q2s4
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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  (514): I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me http://tfl.nu/t69r
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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  (417): What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now. http://tfl.nu/j4tm
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

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  (514): He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT? http://tfl.nu/isnk
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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  (719): I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone. http://tfl.nu/u0bu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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  (610): he was once again the drunkest girl at the party http://tfl.nu/18ag
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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  (203): I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus http://tfl.nu/crym
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  (310): View more from California

  What's the address?

  (626): View more from California

  Too drunk. Just google it.

  (310): View more from California

  IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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  (310): What's the address? (626): Too drunk. Just google it. (310): IT'S YOUR HOUSE http://tfl.nu/ymw0
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  (941): View more from Florida

  oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.

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  (941): oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed. http://tfl.nu/cdno
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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  (201): In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye. http://tfl.nu/tv9w
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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  (910): I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything. http://tfl.nu/veiz
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried

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  (570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried http://tfl.nu/vdpu
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  She announced her abortion via fbk

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  (864): She announced her abortion via fbk http://tfl.nu/kc9n
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.

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  (210): Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl. http://tfl.nu/ha6v
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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  (513): Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/y1zp
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

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  (604): The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her. http://tfl.nu/woml
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?

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  (405): Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night? http://tfl.nu/sl90
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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  (615): other than the jail part I had a really good time with you http://tfl.nu/dcut
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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  (530): Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection http://tfl.nu/e8qx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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  (202): She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums. http://tfl.nu/4fck
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw

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  (303): Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw http://tfl.nu/554g
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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  (484): Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with? http://tfl.nu/xos6
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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  (618): Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually. http://tfl.nu/s8ua
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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  (775): Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob http://tfl.nu/1w2d
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  (714): View more from California

  I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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  (714): I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/d04x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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  (978): hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night http://tfl.nu/n6zz
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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  (+61): Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on. http://tfl.nu/q17g
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

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  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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  (732): Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help. http://tfl.nu/m3q1
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  Was who let the dogs out playing?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Ya. You started barking when it ended

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  (708): You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving. (1-708): Was who let the dogs out playing? (708): Ya. You started barking when it ended http://tfl.nu/fyl8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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  (613): How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me. http://tfl.nu/pw4l
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"

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  (678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1tt6
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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  (571): Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night. (571): just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom http://tfl.nu/0d08
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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  (320): I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face http://tfl.nu/yj9t
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?

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  (651): Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/kwwo
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  (646): View more from New York

  its my first week of college and i have a UTI

  (718): View more from New York

  not easy being a whore now is it

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  (646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her

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  (856): and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her http://tfl.nu/d5zb
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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  (804): How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now? http://tfl.nu/mo61
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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  (865): it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina http://tfl.nu/yy9c
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.

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  (847): you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after. http://tfl.nu/68kq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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  (508): Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this http://tfl.nu/b1b0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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  (717): He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster http://tfl.nu/7ph6
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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  (573): You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad. http://tfl.nu/q4da
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
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  (310): View more from California

  so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?

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  (310): so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump? http://tfl.nu/ubjm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?

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  (508): i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever? http://tfl.nu/6llk
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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  (757): Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot http://tfl.nu/bsih
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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  (580): Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying" http://tfl.nu/0sq3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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  (215): You slow clapped the stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/fdwr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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  (513): he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you" http://tfl.nu/exld
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?

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  (989): Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ? http://tfl.nu/oaz9
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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  (215): I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!" http://tfl.nu/0rpe
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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  (509): Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish http://tfl.nu/77ap
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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  (757): sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk http://tfl.nu/2uta
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.

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  (248): He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased. http://tfl.nu/h9lw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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  (804): Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care. http://tfl.nu/7tzw
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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  (540): She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her http://tfl.nu/huvk
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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  (541): theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house? http://tfl.nu/uvha
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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  (407): Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk http://tfl.nu/aifa
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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  (575): You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup. http://tfl.nu/dggj
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I want your puppy

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I meant pussy

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I would rather you take my puppy

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  (507): I want your puppy (507): I meant pussy (612): I would rather you take my puppy http://tfl.nu/alg5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  only room for one pussy in that bed.

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  (262): When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy. (612): only room for one pussy in that bed. http://tfl.nu/8gho
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  (954): View more from Florida

  So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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  (954): So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had. http://tfl.nu/ag2c
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall

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  (269) 3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall http://tfl.nu/8qr4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the vacuum is drunk

  (703): View more from Virginia

  what?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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  (908): the vacuum is drunk (703): what? (908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk http://tfl.nu/sgxh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

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  (703): You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter. http://tfl.nu/b2tf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in

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  (917): this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in http://tfl.nu/into
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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  (812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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  (574): Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better. http://tfl.nu/c7ty
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties

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  (480): dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties http://tfl.nu/qw8t
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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  (419): You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?" http://tfl.nu/acel
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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  (732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket. http://tfl.nu/p1i6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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  (816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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  (937): We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard. http://tfl.nu/l7xl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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  (304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too. http://tfl.nu/2www
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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  (352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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  (773): She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in http://tfl.nu/bue7
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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  (804): My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/bitm
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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  (734): I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door. http://tfl.nu/gl6z
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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  (702): Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre? http://tfl.nu/1jmm
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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  (703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically http://tfl.nu/zfwj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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  (203): a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up. http://tfl.nu/5e3h
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  (386): View more from Florida

  you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt

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  (386): you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt http://tfl.nu/6l3r
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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  (406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off

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  (506): haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off http://tfl.nu/1xv0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  be more specific...?

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  (248): whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen? (1-248): be more specific...? http://tfl.nu/5e4s
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
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  (949): View more from California

  You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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  (949): You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this" http://tfl.nu/ckz0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection

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  (206): Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection http://tfl.nu/mgca
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."

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  (917): He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this." http://tfl.nu/rnir
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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  (407): im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes (1-407): i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/3nr6
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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  (856): a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell http://tfl.nu/7uki
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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  (517): can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised http://tfl.nu/5ukp
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  why didn't you poke me back

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  (248): why didn't you poke me back http://tfl.nu/aomd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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  (847): What sexual position says im sorry for your loss? http://tfl.nu/sjhl
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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  (406): I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money" http://tfl.nu/7mg6
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm going to jail i love you

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  (703): I'm going to jail i love you http://tfl.nu/f32n
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  (619): View more from California

  Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

  (323): View more from California

  How mad was your dog?

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  (619): Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night (323): How mad was your dog? http://tfl.nu/x6ig
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  (631): View more from New York

  He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

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  (631): He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club. http://tfl.nu/hcoc
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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  (306): how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was. http://tfl.nu/gxs4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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  (910): After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could". http://tfl.nu/pxbj
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?

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  (859): What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms? http://tfl.nu/1h9x
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  how did your night go?

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  he asked for my myspace name.

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  (240): how did your night go? (336): he asked for my myspace name. http://tfl.nu/ulv6
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You made me cry and you don't even care

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  (734): You made me cry and you don't even care http://tfl.nu/a209
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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  (847): I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around. http://tfl.nu/b39f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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  (847): Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant. http://tfl.nu/q6o4
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  (281): View more from Texas

  WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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  (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  69 |D_O

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  wtf does that mean??

  (602): View more from Arizona

  it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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  (602): 69 |D_O (1-602): wtf does that mean?? (602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently" http://tfl.nu/6ega
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  (607): View more from New York

  then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"

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  (607): then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother" http://tfl.nu/te5y
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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  (303): After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot." http://tfl.nu/jk33
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  (315): View more from New York

  I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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  (315): I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you http://tfl.nu/9k47
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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  (412): My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out. http://tfl.nu/7oni
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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  (206): got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache http://tfl.nu/qh4z
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  "Monday" is guna come over...

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  but its Thursday?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go

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  (225): "Monday" is guna come over... (1-225): but its Thursday? (225): yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go http://tfl.nu/xdyf
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  (925): View more from California

  Should I have kids to fix a relationship??

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  (925): Should I have kids to fix a relationship?? http://tfl.nu/aeth
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day

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  (847): I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day http://tfl.nu/i0qa
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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  (647): she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready' http://tfl.nu/8jmk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (516): View more from New York

  she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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  (516): she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag". (917): I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag. http://tfl.nu/7xie
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this

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  (225): shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this http://tfl.nu/x9rq
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Maybe....

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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  (540): Are you pooping in the stall next to me? (404): Maybe.... (540): Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts. http://tfl.nu/wph3
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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  (575): I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave http://tfl.nu/cqqt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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  (613): She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone. http://tfl.nu/b8gy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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  (828): I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos... http://tfl.nu/fyfs
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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  (701): Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave? http://tfl.nu/y6y0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Please tell me how you discovered this.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I was looking in the mirror snooping around

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  (440): I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora (1-440): Please tell me how you discovered this. (440): I was looking in the mirror snooping around<p></p> http://tfl.nu/7aua
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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  (651): professor came back from spring break missing a tooth http://tfl.nu/mzcn
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  (772): View more from Florida

  remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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  (772): remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night. http://tfl.nu/s4kw
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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  (586): I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope." http://tfl.nu/2m2o
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  (281): View more from Texas

  People with herpes should wear stickers.

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  (281): People with herpes should wear stickers. http://tfl.nu/8ji1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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  (215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt
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  (631): View more from New York

  You only like me because I'm a challenge

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You already blew me

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  (631): You only like me because I'm a challenge (201): You already blew me http://tfl.nu/s47q
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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  (970): dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them.. http://tfl.nu/vwfx
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  (818): View more from California

  The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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  (818): The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp". http://tfl.nu/1x9v
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets

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  (517): Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets http://tfl.nu/g504
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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  (215): I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns. http://tfl.nu/6hbs
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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  (614): Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy? http://tfl.nu/swws
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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  (803): we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper http://tfl.nu/mqbh
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  (707): View more from California

  The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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  (707): The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends http://tfl.nu/16wy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm on my period, period, period

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  (540): birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex (703): I'm on my period, period, period http://tfl.nu/vsrk
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  (530): View more from California

  You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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  (530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/48s1
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  (916): View more from California

  this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.

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  (916): this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her. http://tfl.nu/xmhd
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

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  (306): and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up http://tfl.nu/qck7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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  (301): My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake. http://tfl.nu/il6h
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  (315): View more from New York

  when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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  (315): when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly' http://tfl.nu/2ku4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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  (703): im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off http://tfl.nu/2ezh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I want to kish your cheek

  (248): View more from Michigan

  My cheeks are in Michigan

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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  (301): I want to kish your cheek (248): My cheeks are in Michigan (301): Oh my lips are kind of stretchy http://tfl.nu/4fba
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

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  (519): dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto. http://tfl.nu/omlc
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  (432): View more from Texas

  My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

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  (432): My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT http://tfl.nu/ckt8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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  (832): Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face. http://tfl.nu/c54m
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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  (662): She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina. http://tfl.nu/uqet
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?

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  (512): You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that? http://tfl.nu/amhf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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  (401): Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u http://tfl.nu/jall
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (281): View more from Texas

  My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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  (281): My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone http://tfl.nu/zfoz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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  (303): Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart. http://tfl.nu/j609
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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  (937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon. (937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/q8lw
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."

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  (989): I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him." http://tfl.nu/yg5c
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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  (732): wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns? http://tfl.nu/gvvk
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

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  (253): she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person? http://tfl.nu/ofbb
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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  (719): I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today" http://tfl.nu/2j14
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

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  (610): Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain....... http://tfl.nu/fodn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?

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  (630): is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit? http://tfl.nu/3vh4
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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  (571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday. http://tfl.nu/tetw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (518): View more from New York

  The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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  (518): The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right? http://tfl.nu/odtd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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  (412): Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head. http://tfl.nu/0n78
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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  (413): I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight" http://tfl.nu/ny0o
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

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  (330): Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch? http://tfl.nu/ae8u
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home

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  (401): Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home http://tfl.nu/zrvk
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  (818): View more from California

  apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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  (818): apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today" http://tfl.nu/nsmf
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby

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  (973): She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby http://tfl.nu/drn9
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you find a tooth?

  (254): View more from Texas

  did you lose one?

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  (512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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  (732): Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest. http://tfl.nu/jp7b
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  (831): View more from California

  Don't EVER smell your tampon

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  (831): Don't EVER smell your tampon http://tfl.nu/zvwb
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Hey it's Austin.

  (254): View more from Texas

  I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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  (210): Hey it's Austin. (254): I am not drunk enough for this conversation. http://tfl.nu/124v
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
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  (714): View more from California

  He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick

  (714): View more from California

  Ive only called 5 times

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  (714): He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick (714): Ive only called 5 times http://tfl.nu/v81b
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?

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  (219): So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love? http://tfl.nu/2z3k
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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  (206): Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug? http://tfl.nu/56z8
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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  (315): We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah." http://tfl.nu/z1lt
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why don't you ever send me any naked pics

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  (617): Why don't you ever send me any naked pics http://tfl.nu/oqg1
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  (786): View more from Florida

  i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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  (786): i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy" http://tfl.nu/v0t3
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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  (862): Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her. http://tfl.nu/mnen
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.

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  (414): hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me. http://tfl.nu/ash4
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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  (702): well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right? http://tfl.nu/0mj4
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
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  (650): View more from California

  I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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  (650): I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one. http://tfl.nu/s8l0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  story of my life.

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  (717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz
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  (+82): View more from

  I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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  (+82): I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes. http://tfl.nu/b0wk
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

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  (910): He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment. http://tfl.nu/t1og
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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  (903): I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes http://tfl.nu/cr2r
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  (562): View more from California

  Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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  (562): Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on http://tfl.nu/30zy
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.

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  (480): I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name. http://tfl.nu/lmy8
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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  (910): Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside http://tfl.nu/la7o
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?

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  (703): I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do? http://tfl.nu/dze2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I stuck it in and pulled it out

  (1-678): View more from Georgia

  Did she like it?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  She giggled?

  (1-678): View more from Georgia

  She liked it

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  (678): I stuck it in and pulled it out (1-678): Did she like it? (678): She giggled? (1-678): She liked it http://tfl.nu/eiw1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
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  (360): View more from Washington

  nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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  (360): nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked http://tfl.nu/nh0r
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.

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  (215): i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies. http://tfl.nu/atqm
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  (631): View more from New York

  so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

  (631): View more from New York

  what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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  (631): so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night. (631): what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK http://tfl.nu/1v47
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

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  (615): Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple http://tfl.nu/4fv0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

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  (919): She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..." http://tfl.nu/ca9j
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  (661): View more from California

  Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

  (831): View more from California

  Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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  (661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC (831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown. http://tfl.nu/up2g
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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  (908): So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college. http://tfl.nu/jk80
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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  (864): we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me http://tfl.nu/3ztm
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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  (573): My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly. http://tfl.nu/go2x
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

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  (386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to. http://tfl.nu/dqrr
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

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  (740): she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/zgkj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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  (314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out... http://tfl.nu/a1pv
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