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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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