Texts From Last Night

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  (406): View more from Montana

  K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea

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  (406): K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea http://tfl.nu/3xax
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

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  (615): fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think http://tfl.nu/g5tp
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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  (317): do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards? http://tfl.nu/y683
  Replies (16) Good night (2021) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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  (215): The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on (267): It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID... http://tfl.nu/2nuu
  Replies (9) Good night (3007) Bad night (526)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
  Replies (26) Good night (731) Bad night (2216)
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3693) Bad night (1690)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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  (302): Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit. http://tfl.nu/yb12
  Replies (27) Good night (4323) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss

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  (802): ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss http://tfl.nu/xu33
  Replies (10) Good night (2173) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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  (501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please. http://tfl.nu/vb3l
  Replies (9) Good night (4340) Bad night (870)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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  (732): He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year. http://tfl.nu/lez5
  Replies (27) Good night (2984) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
  Replies (31) Good night (6535) Bad night (1154) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.

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  (484): She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that. http://tfl.nu/ceu5
  Replies (24) Good night (4307) Bad night (1204) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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  (843): Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week. http://tfl.nu/axd2
  Replies (15) Good night (3955) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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  (512): Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge. http://tfl.nu/qm3g
  Replies (21) Good night (3303) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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  (703): She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that http://tfl.nu/aq3j
  Replies (28) Good night (11762) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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  (814): He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake. http://tfl.nu/fpto
  Replies (50) Good night (1341) Bad night (5427) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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  (408): He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina http://tfl.nu/ro7i
  Replies (27) Good night (850) Bad night (8602) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?

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  (305): does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/qj9q
  Replies (10) Good night (1585) Bad night (2905) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

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  (715): I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry http://tfl.nu/qzk6
  Replies (23) Good night (1480) Bad night (3943) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.

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  (978): As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine. http://tfl.nu/djyf
  Replies (24) Good night (2858) Bad night (1465) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.

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  (563): I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it. http://tfl.nu/ttul
  Replies (33) Good night (1031) Bad night (2834) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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  (620): The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices". http://tfl.nu/jiwo
  Replies (23) Good night (4830) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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  (605): it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead. http://tfl.nu/wbpi
  Replies (18) Good night (1557) Bad night (5974) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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  (919): i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving. http://tfl.nu/oull
  Replies (26) Good night (7509) Bad night (1722) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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  (203): My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression. http://tfl.nu/go1x
  Replies (52) Good night (1066) Bad night (5016) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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  (317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa
  Replies (28) Good night (4768) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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  (843): I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues. (478): Moment of silence for the loss of that option. http://tfl.nu/jcvy
  Replies (29) Good night (1733) Bad night (6928)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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  (978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv
  Replies (13) Good night (5293) Bad night (1011) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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  (214): Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/4y7p
  Replies (9) Good night (5920) Bad night (1086)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (24699) Bad night (1721)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
  Replies (142) Good night (2105) Bad night (49764) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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  (512): So....maintenance found the bullethole..... http://tfl.nu/54el
  Replies (21) Good night (5206) Bad night (2180) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.

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  (410): 260 beers this month. I need a new hobby. http://tfl.nu/ixdv
  Replies (37) Good night (3632) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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  (231): OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/ma89
  Replies (80) Good night (2238) Bad night (15202) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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  (709): I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea. http://tfl.nu/at1w
  Replies (16) Good night (1030) Bad night (2696) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
  Replies (48) Good night (4041) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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  (919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do
  Replies (13) Good night (5943) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (20512) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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  (626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz
  Replies (51) Good night (5881) Bad night (2015) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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  (775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7
  Replies (28) Good night (5112) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
  Replies (20) Good night (8532) Bad night (1230) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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  (253): she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time. http://tfl.nu/yrce
  Replies (47) Good night (1577) Bad night (8292) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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  (404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6
  Replies (24) Good night (6000) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
  Replies (54) Good night (11958) Bad night (1656)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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  (410): He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week. http://tfl.nu/7fuh
  Replies (62) Good night (7323) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt