Texts From Last Night

PalmTree7104's Favorites Texts:

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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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  (319): i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself (612): It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool... http://tfl.nu/lubj
  Replies (7) Good night (2483) Bad night (606)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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  (612): Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you http://tfl.nu/lizp
  Replies (7) Good night (2365) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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  (575): We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins. http://tfl.nu/gnps
  Replies (9) Good night (2258) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married

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  (314): My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/9bud
  Replies (11) Good night (486) Bad night (1901) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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  (662): I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs. http://tfl.nu/zjd4
  Replies (5) Good night (1765) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.

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  (719): Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon. http://tfl.nu/ncwf
  Replies (8) Good night (1825) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  are you wasted or are you getting laid?

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ebdebdebdebd

  (641): View more from Iowa

  wow

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  (641): are you wasted or are you getting laid? (515): ebdebdebdebd (641): wow http://tfl.nu/m3dh
  Replies (23) Good night (5126) Bad night (407)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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  (610): Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole. http://tfl.nu/uyw0
  Replies (9) Good night (3336) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
  Replies (15) Good night (3948) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega

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  (303): Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega http://tfl.nu/145a
  Replies (11) Good night (2308) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  no more duck duck goose at the bar

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  (484): no more duck duck goose at the bar http://tfl.nu/05y7
  Replies (6) Good night (2091) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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  (313): I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time. http://tfl.nu/vomf
  Replies (13) Good night (2838) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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  (402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf
  Replies (15) Good night (4038) Bad night (3587) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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  (314): I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/9k0s
  Replies (9) Good night (3381) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

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  (970): Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY http://tfl.nu/vtkd
  Replies (6) Good night (1935) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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  (262): Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU? http://tfl.nu/jzba
  Replies (5) Good night (2045) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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  (925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about. http://tfl.nu/434y
  Replies (3) Good night (2446) Bad night (709)
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  (530): View more from California

  he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

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  (530): he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/2vwb
  Replies (11) Good night (2068) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
  Replies (12) Good night (4381) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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  (714): Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww http://tfl.nu/e98y
  Replies (13) Good night (3458) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
  Replies (23) Good night (8799) Bad night (907)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you're drinking in the law library????

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ...not a bad idea....

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  probably not a good idea either.

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  (978): you're drinking in the law library???? (978): ...not a bad idea.... (508): probably not a good idea either. http://tfl.nu/gi3r
  Replies (28) Good night (951) Bad night (247)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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  (252): I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone http://tfl.nu/p73u
  Replies (43) Good night (713) Bad night (6571)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

  (703): View more from Virginia

  What are you talking about

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You've got to be kidding me

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  (240): Thanks for last night it was amazing as always (703): What are you talking about (240): You've got to be kidding me http://tfl.nu/zj8e
  Replies (12) Good night (1118) Bad night (3718)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

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  (773): Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night. http://tfl.nu/pczq
  Replies (8) Good night (1880) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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  (305): quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you http://tfl.nu/hg35
  Replies (9) Good night (4803) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.

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  (859): When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/xa7u
  Replies (31) Good night (502) Bad night (6984) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You left your underwear on the fireplace

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  (843): You left your underwear on the fireplace http://tfl.nu/ha55
  Replies (4) Good night (2054) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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  (815): my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves http://tfl.nu/kwdc
  Replies (28) Good night (4773) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

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  (325): I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/f5mq
  Replies (6) Good night (1455) Bad night (1741) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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  (815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr
  Replies (6) Good night (3081) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
  Replies (43) Good night (8969) Bad night (576)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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  (832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/ohwe
  Replies (25) Good night (6140) Bad night (699) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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  (412): I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate. http://tfl.nu/bucy
  Replies (17) Good night (2756) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.

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  (601): they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell. http://tfl.nu/6mr7
  Replies (53) Good night (7610) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me

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  (218): i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me http://tfl.nu/gpjb
  Replies (19) Good night (970) Bad night (4806) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

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  (206): it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting" http://tfl.nu/ix3k
  Replies (8) Good night (2861) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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  (916): She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared. http://tfl.nu/d52d
  Replies (13) Good night (662) Bad night (2174) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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  (214): Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us http://tfl.nu/gb64
  Replies (13) Good night (1145) Bad night (2489) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.

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  (916): Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life. http://tfl.nu/lqwm
  Replies (17) Good night (1029) Bad night (3263)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
  Replies (11) Good night (4883) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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  (440): omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had http://tfl.nu/fpfu
  Replies (26) Good night (1254) Bad night (3657) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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  (503): I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over. http://tfl.nu/8vsu
  Replies (5) Good night (718) Bad night (2320) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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  (859): the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything. http://tfl.nu/cxc9
  Replies (9) Good night (1652) Bad night (1828) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

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  (858): ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL http://tfl.nu/gcph
  Replies (7) Good night (1474) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
  Replies (78) Good night (5839) Bad night (6392) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez

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  (847): worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez http://tfl.nu/63fb
  Replies (11) Good night (737) Bad night (2419) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

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  (314): she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this http://tfl.nu/4qkx
  Replies (7) Good night (1994) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

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  (902): I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying. http://tfl.nu/q9vl
  Replies (14) Good night (4004) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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  (412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches http://tfl.nu/0tvi
  Replies (6) Good night (3687) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

  (404): View more from Georgia

  YES.

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  (678): NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree (404): YES. http://tfl.nu/chua
  Replies (5) Good night (3415) Bad night (565)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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  (305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/qxjf
  Replies (17) Good night (3854) Bad night (1028) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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  (910): He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel. http://tfl.nu/qsvc
  Replies (3) Good night (2460) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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  (484): seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally http://tfl.nu/s3gk
  Replies (25) Good night (2297) Bad night (946) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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  (248): whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes http://tfl.nu/s924
  Replies (10) Good night (3152) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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  (617): im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone. http://tfl.nu/veb9
  Replies (5) Good night (2362) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
  Replies (54) Good night (4635) Bad night (465)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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  (732): just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german.. http://tfl.nu/y195
  Replies (32) Good night (5363) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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  (314): Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is.. http://tfl.nu/1wrs
  Replies (50) Good night (1892) Bad night (9035) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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  (630): When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast. http://tfl.nu/nqf8
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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  (514): The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you. http://tfl.nu/k985
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.

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  (910): NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state. http://tfl.nu/dlad
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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  (973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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  (214): Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/4y7p
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  (818): View more from California

  You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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  (818): You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf. http://tfl.nu/hkre
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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  (912): So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper. (1-912): Who leaves their car unlocked at night? (912): Someone who wants to read the newspaper. http://tfl.nu/c19o
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?

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  (248): Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back? http://tfl.nu/so4j
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  (210): View more from Texas

  READY

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  for what?

  (210): View more from Texas

  TO HAVE SEXXXX

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  i think you have the wrong number

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  (210): READY (1-210) for what? (210) TO HAVE SEXXXX (1-210) i think you have the wrong number http://tfl.nu/x2wa
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  (407): View more from Florida

  shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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  (407): shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands. http://tfl.nu/6i6m
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  (818): View more from California

  Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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  (818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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  (931): Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person. http://tfl.nu/od1c
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.

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  (631): Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin (856): Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts. http://tfl.nu/olt8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on

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  (412): i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on http://tfl.nu/87g6
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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  (434): Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/ab13
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.

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  (973): don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping. http://tfl.nu/d4lu
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  (323): View more from California

  don't go home with that guy from jersey

  (626): View more from California

  i know, not worth the blood test

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  (323): don't go home with that guy from jersey (626): i know, not worth the blood test http://tfl.nu/va7v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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  (214): hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming? http://tfl.nu/vu51
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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  (440): omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave. http://tfl.nu/dpnt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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  (940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that http://tfl.nu/ymub
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

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  (551): 1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one. http://tfl.nu/vtrz
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  (909): View more from California

  i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

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  (909): i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner. http://tfl.nu/h169
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.

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  (902): i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots. http://tfl.nu/58kw
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  (818): View more from California

  so... thinking about masturbating finally

  (661): View more from California

  taking the losers way out I see

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  (818): so... thinking about masturbating finally (661): taking the losers way out I see http://tfl.nu/lnxg
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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  (574): I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself. http://tfl.nu/2lez
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  (415): View more from California

  And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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  (415): And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked. http://tfl.nu/8nhm
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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  (339): I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. http://tfl.nu/m237
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.

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  (412): All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire. http://tfl.nu/ff1n
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  (512): View more from Texas

  At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

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  (512): At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'." http://tfl.nu/z1xk
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

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  (440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport" http://tfl.nu/at20
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

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  (651): Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards http://tfl.nu/4z51
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  (904): View more from Florida

  sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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  (904): sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut! http://tfl.nu/fz7u
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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  (248): I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy http://tfl.nu/0s17
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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  (352): I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last http://tfl.nu/oknv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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  (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken... http://tfl.nu/8g1q
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  (516): View more from New York

  gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long

  (917): View more from New York City

  Thats what she said

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  (516): gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long (917): Thats what she said http://tfl.nu/ke6j
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  (425): View more from Washington

  So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.

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  (425): So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way. http://tfl.nu/01f8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i can't wait to go to hell

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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  (248): i can't wait to go to hell (1-248): yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure http://tfl.nu/7pwb
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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  (248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing. http://tfl.nu/gzcy
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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  (757): He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops http://tfl.nu/nwlp
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

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  (586): She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her. http://tfl.nu/fg6t
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You are an asshole

  (574): View more from Indiana

  haha sleeping beauty awakes.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Where did you find this costume?

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  (616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

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  (847): just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism http://tfl.nu/1jbk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it

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  (703): grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it http://tfl.nu/pj49
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.

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  (832): If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs. http://tfl.nu/152p
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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  (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased http://tfl.nu/sw63
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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  (206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad http://tfl.nu/uv9f
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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  (778): Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world' http://tfl.nu/vm9t
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"

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  (302): He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!" http://tfl.nu/6j56
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl

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  (314): Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl http://tfl.nu/2p2x
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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  (815): my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway" http://tfl.nu/9cdg
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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  (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them http://tfl.nu/zk8b
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

  (224): View more from Illinois

  I'm with your mom on this one.

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  (847): my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel. (224): I'm with your mom on this one. http://tfl.nu/c28m
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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  (386): he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor" http://tfl.nu/h9m9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  addddeeerrraaaallll.

  (641): View more from Iowa

  ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

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  (319): addddeeerrraaaallll. (641): ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help. http://tfl.nu/xlcd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore

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  (203): So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore http://tfl.nu/h83b
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  (214): View more from Texas

  1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

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  (214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you http://tfl.nu/har0
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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  (660): I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better. http://tfl.nu/xn35
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
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  (561): View more from Florida

  george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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  (561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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  (617): when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble http://tfl.nu/6bym
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement

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  (717): John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement http://tfl.nu/es6t
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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  (660): We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend. http://tfl.nu/9y0s
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  That's not a bad idea, actually...

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  (503): 24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online. (1-503): That's not a bad idea, actually... http://tfl.nu/oxdt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  hey call me

  (810): View more from Michigan

  can't. in the shower.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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  (734): hey call me (810): can't. in the shower. (734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time. http://tfl.nu/i884
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I wanna come home

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  And do what?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

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  (270): I wanna come home (1-270): And do what? (270): Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat. http://tfl.nu/i6u9
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  (714): View more from California

  Letd wlk him

  (714): View more from California

  Lrtd walek hime

  (714): View more from California

  Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

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  (714): Letd wlk him (714): Lrtd walek hime (714): Lets wlk home,,,ther we go http://tfl.nu/cege
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  (305): View more from Florida

  false alarm. still invincible.

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  (305): false alarm. still invincible. http://tfl.nu/rmc6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

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  (802): PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know. http://tfl.nu/g6tj
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
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  (406): View more from Montana

  we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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  (406): we convinced you the moon was a planet...again http://tfl.nu/tbv6
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  (858): View more from California

  When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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  (858): When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass http://tfl.nu/zzr1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

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  (770): Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette? http://tfl.nu/jrlp
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  how was the sex?

  (1-618): View more from Illinois

  he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  well, there's that.

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  (618): how was the sex? (1-618): he smelled like pickles and burnt hair. (618): well, there's that. http://tfl.nu/wrio
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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  (416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance http://tfl.nu/wkwu
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

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  (631): Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans. http://tfl.nu/f9ad
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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  (952): He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job. (320): Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud. http://tfl.nu/wke9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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  (973): Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical http://tfl.nu/uh4w
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.

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  (419): I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo. http://tfl.nu/f195
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?

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  (570): Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting? http://tfl.nu/d43k
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

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  (570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better http://tfl.nu/a0xl
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I want your puppy

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I meant pussy

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I would rather you take my puppy

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  (507): I want your puppy (507): I meant pussy (612): I would rather you take my puppy http://tfl.nu/alg5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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  (832): I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style. http://tfl.nu/zqa3
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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  (857): So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month? http://tfl.nu/9rfa
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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  (734): Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you? http://tfl.nu/kjun
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

  (416): View more from Toronto

  From?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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  (647): It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM (416): From? (647): Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table... http://tfl.nu/hv77
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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  (585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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  (205): Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi. http://tfl.nu/x4zy
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

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  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?

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  (662): I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week? http://tfl.nu/iksy
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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  (416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  You got my ass fired just for knowing you

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  thanks for the bacon

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  (479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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  (773): If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time. http://tfl.nu/xdpc
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

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  (517): On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out http://tfl.nu/qemu
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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  (905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt
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  (845): View more from New York

  don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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  (845): don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified. http://tfl.nu/evog
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  (607): View more from New York

  Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

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  (607): Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned http://tfl.nu/r5xe
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  (936): View more from Texas

  he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  and...?

  (936): View more from Texas

  I told him it was alright.

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  (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn
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  (805): View more from California

  my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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  (805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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  (970): Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out. http://tfl.nu/rgfe
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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  (330): this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants? http://tfl.nu/rwj9
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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  (401): What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy. http://tfl.nu/6xxv
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  (650): View more from California

  they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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  (650): they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids. http://tfl.nu/zjz8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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  (515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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  (404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that. http://tfl.nu/0caw
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  can you blame him?

  (519): View more from Ontario

  i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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  (226): can you blame him? (519): i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT http://tfl.nu/oyzm
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  (845): View more from New York

  I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him

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  (845): I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him http://tfl.nu/y1pg
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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  (706): Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe". http://tfl.nu/cnav
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

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  (905): Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language http://tfl.nu/v1ob
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  (408): View more from California

  We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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  (408): We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old. http://tfl.nu/3zai
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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  (973): I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like. http://tfl.nu/4kjo
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  (714): View more from California

  Who was that guy you went home with?

  (1-714): View more from California

  Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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  (714): Who was that guy you went home with? (1-714): Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now. http://tfl.nu/q2tl
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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  (201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
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  (415): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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  (415): If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition. http://tfl.nu/fwuo
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.

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  (989): i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today. http://tfl.nu/t5a7
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  (818): View more from California

  Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.

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  (818): Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/bnef
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

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  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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  (360): i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now. http://tfl.nu/qgk0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Swine flu is the new snow day.

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  (503): Swine flu is the new snow day. http://tfl.nu/92oq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  hey, what are you doing tonight?

  (646): View more from New York

  sleeping, g'night!

  (801): View more from Utah

  but i wanted to see you :(

  (646): View more from New York

  sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

  (646): View more from New York

  stop - you have a right hand - use it!

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  (801): hey, what are you doing tonight? (646): sleeping, g'night! (801): but i wanted to see you :( (646): sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you! (646): stop - you have a right hand - use it! http://tfl.nu/aj8r
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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  (917): I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done! http://tfl.nu/5vwu
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  (949): View more from California

  Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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  (949): Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone http://tfl.nu/p93a
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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  (704): You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs" http://tfl.nu/7byd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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  (630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/fqx3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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  (303): Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done. http://tfl.nu/i81l
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  (281): View more from Texas

  so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.

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  (281): so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better. http://tfl.nu/ybcl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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  (303): Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield. http://tfl.nu/furb
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

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  (502): I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened... http://tfl.nu/apd0
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"

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  (636): On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge" http://tfl.nu/w12y
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  (650): View more from California

  on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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  (650): on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/s17l
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
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  (408): View more from California

  I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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  (408): I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible http://tfl.nu/my4k
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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  (240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.

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  (773): I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys. http://tfl.nu/3mjd
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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  (952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo
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  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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  (412): I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra. http://tfl.nu/7xhn
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  (315): View more from New York

  a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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  (315): a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop" http://tfl.nu/57y7
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.

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  (412): Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super. http://tfl.nu/bpjq
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

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  (860): I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted http://tfl.nu/x75x
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  (805): View more from California

  they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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  (805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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  (610): I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning. http://tfl.nu/50tz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this

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  (513): I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this http://tfl.nu/r3y4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

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  (304): i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining http://tfl.nu/3fon
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  (518): View more from New York

  apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party

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  (518): apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party http://tfl.nu/ab1k
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.

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  (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto. http://tfl.nu/y1gd
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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  (706): rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots http://tfl.nu/r6ov
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you have got to be kidding?

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  (440): why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex. (1-440): you have got to be kidding? http://tfl.nu/stk6
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch

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  (480): get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch http://tfl.nu/ncix
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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  (214): I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you. (1-214): that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary http://tfl.nu/469f
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  (415): View more from California

  And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

  (1-415): View more from California

  What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

  (415): View more from California

  He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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  (415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!" (1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy. (415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie." http://tfl.nu/chbe
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  (+93): View more from

  dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this

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  (+93): dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this http://tfl.nu/ft70
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak

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  (952): I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak http://tfl.nu/wxhv
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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  (314): I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures. http://tfl.nu/uab2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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  (904): Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada http://tfl.nu/l5wm
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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  (267): Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail http://tfl.nu/spjw
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

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  (610): Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am http://tfl.nu/p6fg
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am

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  (515): if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am http://tfl.nu/tchg
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  (323): View more from California

  Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?

  (310): View more from California

  You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?

  (323): View more from California

  So...no?`

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  (323): Would you feel weird if I asked out ___? (310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend? (323): So...no?` http://tfl.nu/oqmx
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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  (613): she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent (613): I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM http://tfl.nu/2tls
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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  (717): he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off http://tfl.nu/z28p
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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  (317): you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american. http://tfl.nu/y2yd
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'd give my left nut to see you

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  don't do that. I like the set

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  (724): I'd give my left nut to see you (609): don't do that. I like the set http://tfl.nu/41nb
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!

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  (224): It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU! http://tfl.nu/pir9
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...

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  (239): so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM... http://tfl.nu/hm43
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...

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  (715): she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over... http://tfl.nu/jqzz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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  (860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/xs1z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???

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  (609): i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on??? http://tfl.nu/8had
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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  (484): there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself. http://tfl.nu/ays9
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  (323): View more from California

  i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Special does not even begin to describe that text.

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  (323): i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet. (918): Special does not even begin to describe that text. http://tfl.nu/d8xn
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

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  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude, osama threatened the US again

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  dude. i slept with your sister last night

  (847): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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  (847): dude, osama threatened the US again (1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night (847): what? (1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news http://tfl.nu/r4dc
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Is this the gay conversation?

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  (954): Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me... (1-954): Is this the gay conversation? http://tfl.nu/4777
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  (214): View more from Texas

  your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  we're not divorced.

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  (214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.

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  (330): hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival. http://tfl.nu/kgpd
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  (530): View more from California

  Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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  (530): Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake http://tfl.nu/i8af
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

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  (317): and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka. http://tfl.nu/vpiu
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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  (574): i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting http://tfl.nu/eus0
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.

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  (630): I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me. http://tfl.nu/s161
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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  (859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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  (902): he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style... http://tfl.nu/4o8k
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.

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  (937): I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again. http://tfl.nu/hfw8
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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  (757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work http://tfl.nu/0keb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

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  (617): i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital http://tfl.nu/4e4x
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.

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  (815): Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic. http://tfl.nu/2mbo
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  (903): View more from Texas

  My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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  (903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. http://tfl.nu/fhlb
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.

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  (321): On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/bm31
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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  (602): I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one. (623): Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully. http://tfl.nu/x05a
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

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  (440): I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!" http://tfl.nu/07u8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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  (706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not. http://tfl.nu/av9b
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wrong number and your a loser

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  (215): It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular (610): Wrong number and your a loser http://tfl.nu/k831
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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  (417): Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted? http://tfl.nu/v1i6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here

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  (508): Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here http://tfl.nu/nzus
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

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  (440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days! (1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!! http://tfl.nu/v3m4
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

  (989): View more from Michigan

  I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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  (810): If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore? (989): I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own http://tfl.nu/vduq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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  (724): yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism http://tfl.nu/kj7t
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  who is this?

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  (616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me. (248): who is this? http://tfl.nu/n5nl
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg

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  (612): Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg http://tfl.nu/5ras
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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  (404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn. http://tfl.nu/mlpv
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  u like it?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  NOT THE POINT.

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  (937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash. (1-937): u like it? (937): NOT THE POINT. http://tfl.nu/6tyf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

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  (313): mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up! (1-313): it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me... http://tfl.nu/s17x
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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  (678): I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job. http://tfl.nu/y0of
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  what?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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  (612): i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn (952): what? (612): i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn http://tfl.nu/vdma
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  (845): View more from New York

  People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk

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  (845): People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk http://tfl.nu/qmhf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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  (330): Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy." http://tfl.nu/8mx4
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..

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  (870): I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance.. http://tfl.nu/o07j
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Can I come over?

  (786): View more from Florida

  Can't... I'm at class right now.

  (305): View more from Florida

  No your not

  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm outside by your car.

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  (305): Can I come over? (786): Can't... I'm at class right now. (305): No your not (305): I'm outside by your car. http://tfl.nu/le7d
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

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  (313): No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6118
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.

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  (770): I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass. http://tfl.nu/l3hc
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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  (480): They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..." http://tfl.nu/hs05
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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  (303): if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous http://tfl.nu/li9c
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I see lights

  (512): View more from Texas

  Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

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  (254): I see lights (512): Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home. http://tfl.nu/1708
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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  (732): the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :( http://tfl.nu/7drn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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  (203): a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up. http://tfl.nu/5e3h
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.

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  (828): everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard. http://tfl.nu/9kw6
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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  (317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas?? http://tfl.nu/74h0
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.

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  (573): worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar. http://tfl.nu/lxl8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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  (512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above. http://tfl.nu/vdaw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss

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  (847): True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss http://tfl.nu/8437
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  (916): View more from California

  do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

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  (916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won? http://tfl.nu/7jg6
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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  (913): checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad. http://tfl.nu/40qb
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.

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  (918): I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell. http://tfl.nu/i4f8
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  (516): View more from New York

  she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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  (516): she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag". (917): I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag. http://tfl.nu/7xie
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho

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  (770): she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho http://tfl.nu/uw8w
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.

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  (662): An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows. http://tfl.nu/wtg2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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  (407): I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA. http://tfl.nu/w336
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Did we use protection last night?

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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  (780): Did we use protection last night? (1-780): Um, no...keep in touch, okay? http://tfl.nu/2myc
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  (858): View more from California

  I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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  (858): I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street. http://tfl.nu/fk7f
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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  (479): even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit... http://tfl.nu/fzja
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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  (412): Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces" http://tfl.nu/4r9u
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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  (508): dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced. http://tfl.nu/9kh7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  we live in such a classy society.

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  (630): just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead. (815): we live in such a classy society. http://tfl.nu/glf0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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  (609): there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them http://tfl.nu/lo0z
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  (940): View more from Texas

  good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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  (940): good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom http://tfl.nu/suhd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.

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  (512): Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka. http://tfl.nu/j6vt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't remember what your face looks like..

  (727): View more from Florida

  I don't remember your face either, just your dick.

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  (248): I don't remember what your face looks like.. (727): I don't remember your face either, just your dick. http://tfl.nu/odit
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  where are you?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  sonic

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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  (404): where are you? (1-404): sonic (404): Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs. http://tfl.nu/pjgu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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  (303): No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting. http://tfl.nu/foam
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So gin and wine won't be happening again

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  (603): So gin and wine won't be happening again http://tfl.nu/oyej
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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  (314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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  (513): you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp http://tfl.nu/1q8y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  please don't let me die tonight

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  what have you done for me lately?

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  (203): please don't let me die tonight (860): what have you done for me lately? http://tfl.nu/9vcn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

  (770): View more from Georgia

  don't you ever do that...

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  (404): i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent (770): don't you ever do that... http://tfl.nu/61yw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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  (703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move http://tfl.nu/msae
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

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  (630): I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer? http://tfl.nu/yj7n
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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  (314): we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them. http://tfl.nu/5z6d
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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  (781): I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots. http://tfl.nu/2a1b
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  (716): View more from New York

  hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

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  (716): hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work http://tfl.nu/rvok
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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  (717): i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened http://tfl.nu/tpah
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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  (908): this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up. http://tfl.nu/ay5l
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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  (502): he fucked me so hard my future children felt it http://tfl.nu/ioph
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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  (810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Are you drinking alone?

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  no, i'm watching house

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  That doesn't count.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  wtf, then i'm always alone

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  (601): Are you drinking alone? (662): no, i'm watching house (601): That doesn't count. (662): wtf, then i'm always alone http://tfl.nu/bvid
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  ...is it true? will i see you next weekend

  (248): View more from Michigan

  YES.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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  (614): ...is it true? will i see you next weekend (248): YES. (614): ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us http://tfl.nu/m1xt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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  (504): She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. http://tfl.nu/znp0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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  (713): yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn. http://tfl.nu/bp9j
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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  (224): finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/xu8i
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  mine is 'the'.

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  (202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  how drunk are you?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  What does that even mean anymore?

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  (612): how drunk are you? (952): What does that even mean anymore? http://tfl.nu/4vkm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

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  (847): just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out http://tfl.nu/k8ty
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  wtf

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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  (225): wtf (1-225): I'm guessing you saw the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/q0h6
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  bitch

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  (262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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  (803): Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation? http://tfl.nu/0dba
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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  (816): I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis http://tfl.nu/fnup
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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  (970): How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy? http://tfl.nu/ky06
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  (904): View more from Florida

  took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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  (904): took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch. http://tfl.nu/4x1m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  whose oscar?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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  (203): Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone (1-203): whose oscar? (203): the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month. http://tfl.nu/bpyh
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  did we at least go back and get it?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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  (208): you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too. (1-208): did we at least go back and get it? (208): how else do you think we got jack in the box...? http://tfl.nu/t8wq
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

  (816): View more from Missouri

  outstanding.

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  (816): and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like. (1-816): Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours (816): outstanding. http://tfl.nu/qtfw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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  (973): you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere. http://tfl.nu/70ri
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  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude she let me cum on her face

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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  (843): Dude she let me cum on her face (1-843): You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning http://tfl.nu/f5g3
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

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  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ya and it worked didnt it??

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  (412): you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron.. (614): ya and it worked didnt it?? http://tfl.nu/b3g5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

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  (256): he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed. http://tfl.nu/1iir
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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  (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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  (636): His little brother walked in on us. Six times. http://tfl.nu/ruyk
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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  (267): just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES http://tfl.nu/axvy
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think I took your hangover as a birthday present

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  (740): I think I took your hangover as a birthday present http://tfl.nu/q2lj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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  (678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault. http://tfl.nu/4f0p
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...

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  (269): So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night. (937): Feels good to be wearing underwear again though... http://tfl.nu/djzk
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  (858): View more from California

  that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...

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  (858): that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey... http://tfl.nu/6cil
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  (631): View more from New York

  I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

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  (631): I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf... http://tfl.nu/qnwa
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  (925): View more from California

  I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.

  (916): View more from California

  You're drunk. Make complete sentences.

  (925): View more from California

  It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.

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  (925): I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it. (916): You're drunk. Make complete sentences. (925): It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand. http://tfl.nu/78xl
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  (858): View more from California

  you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.

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  (858): you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch. http://tfl.nu/r7zt
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  (310): View more from California

  my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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  (310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. http://tfl.nu/p26k
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  dude you need to get laid

  (906): View more from Michigan

  me?

  (616): View more from Michigan

  no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

  (906): View more from Michigan

  oh I thought you were talkin about me

  (906): View more from Michigan

  wait

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  (616): dude you need to get laid (906): me? (616): no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months (906): oh I thought you were talkin about me (906): wait http://tfl.nu/self
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just know... :) goodntight

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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  (281): I just know... :) goodntight (1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too. http://tfl.nu/kxmt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Your an asshole

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

  (954): View more from Florida

  My point exactly

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  (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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  (913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized http://tfl.nu/gtwy
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."

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  (517): They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what." http://tfl.nu/ufo0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...

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  (314): I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter... http://tfl.nu/166t
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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  (407): At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"! http://tfl.nu/ehkr
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit

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  (403): Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit http://tfl.nu/h77n
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder

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  (325): I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder http://tfl.nu/v6lr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

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  (403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint. http://tfl.nu/8aqq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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  (407): You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld http://tfl.nu/gdg6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

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  (484): New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport http://tfl.nu/5bf4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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  (410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. http://tfl.nu/a4j3
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.

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  (857): Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark. http://tfl.nu/cekc
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  (716): View more from New York

  why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

  (716): View more from New York

  i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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  (716): why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross (860): its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary (716): i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal http://tfl.nu/td08
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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  (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear. http://tfl.nu/pswl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.

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  (719): I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment. http://tfl.nu/wmih
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

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  (216): you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently. http://tfl.nu/85of
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  everyone's regretting their thursdays.

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  (813): Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird? (203): everyone's regretting their thursdays. http://tfl.nu/3lei
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (727): View more from Florida

  he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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  (727): he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper. http://tfl.nu/jd33
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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  (812): Have you seen my high heels that I wore out? (1-812): You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/rqvo
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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  (908): just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/nghc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  go get him tiger.

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  (312): just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun" (1-312): go get him tiger. http://tfl.nu/5kmx
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  (917): View more from New York City

  under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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  (917): under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift http://tfl.nu/rkcx
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

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  (917): i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere (1-917): no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john http://tfl.nu/sfec
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  (408): View more from California

  You drunk yet?

  (925): View more from California

  Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

  (408): View more from California

  Cant make any promises.

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  (408): You drunk yet? (925): Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them. (408): Cant make any promises. http://tfl.nu/jm9i
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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  (402): Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR. http://tfl.nu/vjij
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I don't wanna die...

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  (423): I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!! (615): I don't wanna die... http://tfl.nu/h1ht
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  (530): View more from California

  i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something

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  (530): i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something http://tfl.nu/obfg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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  (541): I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/yadf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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  (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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  (480): YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST (602): I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise! http://tfl.nu/2ck7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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  (303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !! (832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless. http://tfl.nu/apa0
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  (510): View more from California

  my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice

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  (510): my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice http://tfl.nu/x5d6
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  (850): View more from Florida

  come over anyways, right now, right this second

  (850): View more from Florida

  it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

  (561): View more from Florida

  wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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  (850): come over anyways, right now, right this second (850): it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying (561): wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation http://tfl.nu/cwsr
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  (415): View more from California

  Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

  (415): View more from California

  Recession joke.

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  (415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99 (415): Recession joke. http://tfl.nu/0g53
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up

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  (586): Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up http://tfl.nu/mvat
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  (619): View more from California

  dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

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  (619): dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face http://tfl.nu/4ulx
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Talk to you next week

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  (731): I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period. (601): Talk to you next week http://tfl.nu/n6cb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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  (917): I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home. http://tfl.nu/cetg
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  No

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  (610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? (570): No http://tfl.nu/7sm8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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  (917): My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard http://tfl.nu/zt1l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up

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  (303): I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up http://tfl.nu/mvtn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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  (203): I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt. http://tfl.nu/mij5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  could be more

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  absolutely not

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  (612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not http://tfl.nu/n6ii
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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  (517): Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions... http://tfl.nu/wg6s
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  (845): View more from New York

  If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?

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  (845): If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one? http://tfl.nu/fmgu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  parking. I am not drunk

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  (847): I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot. (847): parking. I am not drunk http://tfl.nu/zit9
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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  (906): last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that http://tfl.nu/8upf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.

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  (508): i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip. http://tfl.nu/di6e
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  i just snorted my name. best moment ever

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  (260): i just snorted my name. best moment ever http://tfl.nu/gtkr
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  (951): View more from California

  This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.

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  (951): This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago. http://tfl.nu/53yc
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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  (218): you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey" http://tfl.nu/pjur
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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  (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed. http://tfl.nu/54wn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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  (678): The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic. http://tfl.nu/0ai8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...

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  (804): he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ... http://tfl.nu/7lew
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  (209): View more from California

  I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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  (209): I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car. http://tfl.nu/v5pu
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.

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  (419): The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday. http://tfl.nu/0i2s
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?

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  (513): Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week? http://tfl.nu/8ecy
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  (518): View more from New York

  woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so

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  (518): woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so http://tfl.nu/1jbm
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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  (574): its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes. http://tfl.nu/wfzo
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  if i can run in heels then i can drive

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  (303): if i can run in heels then i can drive http://tfl.nu/rtwg
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  (631): View more from New York

  there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"

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  (631): there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship" http://tfl.nu/t0by
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.

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  (352): i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so. http://tfl.nu/yfpa
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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  (816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore" http://tfl.nu/r6vm
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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  (201): so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA? http://tfl.nu/qz9z
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake

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  (501): he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake http://tfl.nu/mrvl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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  (214): You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song http://tfl.nu/2x4f
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.

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  (952): he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting. http://tfl.nu/x0uv
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

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  (662): We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac. http://tfl.nu/8ele
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?

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  (225): at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end? http://tfl.nu/7mqc
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  (914): View more from New York

  There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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  (914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone http://tfl.nu/hyr8
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Girls should come with a carfax report

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  (910): Girls should come with a carfax report http://tfl.nu/ithx
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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  (618): bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented http://tfl.nu/qz6v
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  (818): View more from California

  Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics

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  (818): Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics http://tfl.nu/kq58
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  (909): View more from California

  he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"

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  (909): he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman" http://tfl.nu/jaxb
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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  (708): just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay. http://tfl.nu/cdim
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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  (704): Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes. http://tfl.nu/5rb1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

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  (317): he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal..... http://tfl.nu/xm36
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  sarcasm needs its own font

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  (440): sarcasm needs its own font http://tfl.nu/5kc7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

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  (443): You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies. http://tfl.nu/c673
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes

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  (314): i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes http://tfl.nu/8fav
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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  (847): no one should ever give us hovercrafts http://tfl.nu/uqn3
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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  (218): i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette. http://tfl.nu/f90v
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  ra ra ra ah ah

  (573): View more from Missouri

  wtf?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  sexting lady gaga style

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  (636): ra ra ra ah ah (573): wtf? (636): sexting lady gaga style http://tfl.nu/2d0r
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  (310): View more from California

  Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...

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  (310): Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me... http://tfl.nu/5b54
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

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  (715): In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy." http://tfl.nu/mr96
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised

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  (904): i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised http://tfl.nu/005h
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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  (201): i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed. http://tfl.nu/ojs9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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  (612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda. http://tfl.nu/fjuw
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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  (901): I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus. http://tfl.nu/pp37
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.

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  (770): It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college. http://tfl.nu/l73u
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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  (847): i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding http://tfl.nu/srhr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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  (847): i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her http://tfl.nu/2g5w
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.

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  (440): Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family. http://tfl.nu/crmt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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  (613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

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  (416): today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added http://tfl.nu/jtyi
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Either way I should probably pregame on the plane

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  (248): Either way I should probably pregame on the plane http://tfl.nu/xs77
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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  (317): I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up.... http://tfl.nu/s81o
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.

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  (404): Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/rur7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.

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  (401): Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself. http://tfl.nu/v546
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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  (305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming. http://tfl.nu/4nef
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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  (402): The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE! http://tfl.nu/1ymk
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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  (678): We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet. http://tfl.nu/x1wg
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
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  (925): View more from California

  It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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  (925): It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article. http://tfl.nu/yngr
  Replies (44) Good night (1089) Bad night (5102) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I just saw the nastiest chick.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Where?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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  (603): I just saw the nastiest chick. (1-603): Where? (603): woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you http://tfl.nu/hbsk
  Replies (43) Good night (998) Bad night (7944)