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i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
false alarm. still invincible.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Swine flu is the new snow day.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
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