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Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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