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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
NoShamevember. You game?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
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