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I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I sprained my soul last night
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's never too late to be topless.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you inspire me to be a worse person
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My room smells like vodka and shame
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm gonna have a badass scar
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
where are you?
Hypothermia
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How's work?
Spinning.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my sisters under your porch take her home
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to stop coming to work sober
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
4 words: hood of his car
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Its about making memories worth repressing
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its not stalking. its research.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so explain again why im purple
no
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
This is not my ceiling
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I accidentally had phone sex last night
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Actions speak louder than pants.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Operation Purity has been aborted
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
is wine microwaveable?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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