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We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You're my little dorito
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My hand turned me down
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
dude i'm inner monologue high
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I puked a lego.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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