Texts From Last Night

NationOfThizzlam's Favorites Texts:

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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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  (732): its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time http://tfl.nu/vuuh
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

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  (479): I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head. http://tfl.nu/p8jq
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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  (515): The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites. http://tfl.nu/ny6g
  Replies (8) Good night (4489) Bad night (1383)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17103) Bad night (1386)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
  Replies (22) Good night (8295) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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  (205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4
  Replies (23) Good night (4791) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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  (407): Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted. http://tfl.nu/0qre
  Replies (12) Good night (3858) Bad night (1307) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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  (302): I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn http://tfl.nu/trfc
  Replies (14) Good night (5290) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.

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  (954): Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America. http://tfl.nu/l7qb
  Replies (11) Good night (3340) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.

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  (904): SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER. http://tfl.nu/kfu8
  Replies (23) Good night (5186) Bad night (1329) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  No thats like a top 10

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  (918): is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night? (1-918): No thats like a top 10 http://tfl.nu/uawo
  Replies (35) Good night (6503) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (2180) Bad night (7720) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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  (207): I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life. http://tfl.nu/g4gg
  Replies (35) Good night (2566) Bad night (3555) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
  Replies (20) Good night (7642) Bad night (1271) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
  Replies (41) Good night (16610) Bad night (2164) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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  (305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls
  Replies (21) Good night (5331) Bad night (1880) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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  (504): she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud? http://tfl.nu/6q2n
  Replies (30) Good night (8946) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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  (540): i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building http://tfl.nu/8nc8
  Replies (22) Good night (5976) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51581) Bad night (2264)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day

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  (703): bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day http://tfl.nu/098u
  Replies (13) Good night (4854) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
  Replies (26) Good night (5031) Bad night (1568) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
  Replies (31) Good night (6708) Bad night (1135) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (82) Good night (33431) Bad night (1291)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
  Replies (70) Good night (7866) Bad night (1482) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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  (248): ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year http://tfl.nu/bdbv
  Replies (9) Good night (5945) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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  (519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn
  Replies (21) Good night (8865) Bad night (1001)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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  (305): If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet? http://tfl.nu/k73j
  Replies (22) Good night (1520) Bad night (4709) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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  (757): He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops http://tfl.nu/nwlp
  Replies (28) Good night (6719) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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  (570): You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians. http://tfl.nu/d2bn
  Replies (20) Good night (5783) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
  Replies (35) Good night (5055) Bad night (1562) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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  (630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um
  Replies (10) Good night (6056) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

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  (617): it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right? http://tfl.nu/n56d
  Replies (10) Good night (4393) Bad night (1525) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
  Replies (34) Good night (2197) Bad night (7963)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
  Replies (39) Good night (12563) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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  (818): my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank. http://tfl.nu/peny
  Replies (51) Good night (2759) Bad night (12282) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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  (513): I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. http://tfl.nu/k06t
  Replies (47) Good night (9620) Bad night (1923) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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  (914): i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros http://tfl.nu/6mrs
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.

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  (647): Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer. http://tfl.nu/62rw
  Replies (14) Good night (3301) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
  Replies (52) Good night (15856) Bad night (1584) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I forgot about that,good spring break.

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  (703): then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild" (773): I forgot about that,good spring break. http://tfl.nu/09xy
  Replies (16) Good night (6053) Bad night (1166)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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  (404): Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip? http://tfl.nu/mroo
  Replies (35) Good night (997) Bad night (4834) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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  (918): Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side http://tfl.nu/owir
  Replies (24) Good night (1177) Bad night (7483) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (18547) Bad night (1692)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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  (570): whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping http://tfl.nu/vxfh
  Replies (24) Good night (5328) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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  (940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that http://tfl.nu/ymub
  Replies (22) Good night (9211) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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  (503): Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality. http://tfl.nu/vr2w
  Replies (13) Good night (4161) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
  Replies (30) Good night (2254) Bad night (7711)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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  (202): no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow http://tfl.nu/mex5
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
  Replies (53) Good night (10538) Bad night (1478) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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  (313): Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/j0gt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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  (480): Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis". http://tfl.nu/fly1
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  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
  Replies (26) Good night (14711) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133104) Bad night (5772)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168289) Bad night (42166) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell

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  (506): Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell http://tfl.nu/5oyd
  Replies (19) Good night (3872) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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  (484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (13544) Bad night (5085)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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  (432): Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite. http://tfl.nu/cdg2
  Replies (49) Good night (7028) Bad night (1560) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.

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  (915): You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there. http://tfl.nu/fu8g
  Replies (13) Good night (4274) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.

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  (517): i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall. http://tfl.nu/lpwz
  Replies (14) Good night (4404) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...

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  (563): i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes... http://tfl.nu/mlmh
  Replies (28) Good night (5122) Bad night (830)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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  (519): I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that. http://tfl.nu/jia8
  Replies (110) Good night (14506) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt