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dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Found your dick twin last night
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
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