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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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