Texts From Last Night · Markdreamboat's Favorites

Markdreamboat's Favorites Texts:

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(603): View more from New Hampshire

all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

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(805): View more from California

Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

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(214): View more from Texas

Big sunglasses are the new paper bag

(817): View more from Texas

ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(757): View more from Virginia

FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer

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(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

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(315): View more from New York

How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7

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(310): View more from California

Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

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(770): View more from Georgia

Tell her she's as useless as a condom.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(315): View more from New York

you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she looked like the before picture.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(850): View more from Florida

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(970): View more from Colorado

i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(972): View more from Texas

She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.

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(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(253): View more from Washington

girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade

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(575): View more from New Mexico

i permit you to call me

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(270): View more from Kentucky

guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(207): View more from Maine

i will never coherently bang her

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Anal astronaut?

(847): View more from Illinois

Wow word travels fast.

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(845): View more from New York

It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(210): View more from Texas

I should be sponsored by Trojan

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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(817): View more from Texas

your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha

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(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(347): View more from New York

The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex

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