Texts From Last Night

MLOVES_T_F_L_N's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic http://tfl.nu/cjxw
  Replies (4) Good night (536) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2760) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you. http://tfl.nu/6dat
  Replies (2) Good night (1768) Bad night (195)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
  Replies (2) Good night (1064) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

  (917): View more from New York City

  An adult?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time (917): An adult? http://tfl.nu/ka62
  Replies (3) Good night (1173) Bad night (195)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is http://tfl.nu/wa13
  Replies (5) Good night (602) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died". http://tfl.nu/180h
  Replies (4) Good night (795) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (551): View more from New Jersey

  She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (551): She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot. http://tfl.nu/527s
  Replies (3) Good night (823) Bad night (159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed.... http://tfl.nu/91um
  Replies (4) Good night (615) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside. http://tfl.nu/ic5n
  Replies (5) Good night (463) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall http://tfl.nu/remv
  Replies (8) Good night (649) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date? http://tfl.nu/y6z1
  Replies (6) Good night (860) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
  Replies (12) Good night (3239) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
  Replies (48) Good night (28553) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (47) Good night (47538) Bad night (2092) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't. http://tfl.nu/uo1x
  Replies (3) Good night (965) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert. http://tfl.nu/diqw
  Replies (3) Good night (818) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has http://tfl.nu/jd7y
  Replies (2) Good night (661) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch" http://tfl.nu/gqk6
  Replies (3) Good night (1027) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him. http://tfl.nu/jwhd
  Replies (1) Good night (927) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity. http://tfl.nu/gric
  Replies (5) Good night (1340) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/eqf3
  Replies (10) Good night (1522) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics. http://tfl.nu/etl3
  Replies (8) Good night (1389) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass. http://tfl.nu/kvfi
  Replies (15) Good night (2872) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners. http://tfl.nu/d16h
  Replies (1) Good night (1351) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut. http://tfl.nu/e6c8
  Replies (2) Good night (1360) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm bringing the tv in with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice. (309): I'm bringing the tv in with me. http://tfl.nu/mqt8
  Replies (17) Good night (1789) Bad night (960)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted http://tfl.nu/7mo3
  Replies (2) Good night (1426) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit. http://tfl.nu/berc
  Replies (5) Good night (1439) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what. http://tfl.nu/k4ko
  Replies (5) Good night (1608) Bad night (464)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier. http://tfl.nu/oqez
  Replies (8) Good night (1820) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/tsau
  Replies (8) Good night (2247) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed' http://tfl.nu/zbjr
  Replies (2) Good night (1347) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aren't they always?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit" (1-610): Aren't they always? http://tfl.nu/6oqg
  Replies (1) Good night (1471) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve... http://tfl.nu/u07h
  Replies (6) Good night (1472) Bad night (600)
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is. http://tfl.nu/4v3e
  Replies (3) Good night (1461) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked. http://tfl.nu/femh
  Replies (2) Good night (2049) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it. http://tfl.nu/j2gr
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
  Replies (10) Good night (5606) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
  Replies (14) Good night (3920) Bad night (743)
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed. http://tfl.nu/gl5z
  Replies (12) Good night (4207) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth http://tfl.nu/2qc1
  Replies (10) Good night (1287) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
  Replies (13) Good night (2682) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested? http://tfl.nu/a21v
  Replies (7) Good night (1896) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx
  Replies (19) Good night (5513) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight http://tfl.nu/g8si
  Replies (0) Good night (849) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that http://tfl.nu/k4ts
  Replies (6) Good night (1138) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition. http://tfl.nu/xj5o
  Replies (3) Good night (1337) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl
  Replies (11) Good night (6599) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail http://tfl.nu/z3o8
  Replies (5) Good night (865) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works. http://tfl.nu/hgbu
  Replies (5) Good night (1815) Bad night (582)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners. http://tfl.nu/ba89
  Replies (11) Good night (2133) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest. http://tfl.nu/w1i7
  Replies (16) Good night (2428) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
  Replies (11) Good night (3180) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden http://tfl.nu/u7tp
  Replies (11) Good night (1820) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): It's fine...I've done worse things to better people. http://tfl.nu/e0kr
  Replies (3) Good night (1596) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3654) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
  Replies (210) Good night (31723) Bad night (2855)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (203) Good night (40010) Bad night (3198) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (43794) Bad night (1657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51579) Bad night (2264)
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51240) Bad night (2588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening. http://tfl.nu/b9i7
  Replies (16) Good night (3908) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early? http://tfl.nu/0ctz
  Replies (19) Good night (1809) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place. http://tfl.nu/ev8p
  Replies (17) Good night (1498) Bad night (4408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick. http://tfl.nu/4s44
  Replies (22) Good night (4708) Bad night (1141) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks" http://tfl.nu/r0yt
  Replies (26) Good night (6290) Bad night (796)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience. http://tfl.nu/6ty7
  Replies (11) Good night (1435) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
  Replies (12) Good night (3282) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
  Replies (22) Good night (7975) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could. http://tfl.nu/sgrh
  Replies (7) Good night (4001) Bad night (842) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person http://tfl.nu/riak
  Replies (15) Good night (1639) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (21337) Bad night (2982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
  Replies (60) Good night (24561) Bad night (1717)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (25194) Bad night (1608)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29876) Bad night (1109)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/zd6h
  Replies (5) Good night (531) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess. http://tfl.nu/ade3
  Replies (9) Good night (1211) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56845) Bad night (4688)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/axk7
  Replies (0) Good night (904) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
  Replies (28) Good night (3585) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+64): Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please. http://tfl.nu/o748
  Replies (8) Good night (869) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
  Replies (13) Good night (4398) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm. http://tfl.nu/a20h
  Replies (9) Good night (1600) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES http://tfl.nu/watc
  Replies (15) Good night (1057) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab. http://tfl.nu/yqci
  Replies (5) Good night (1152) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment" http://tfl.nu/bamr
  Replies (11) Good night (1116) Bad night (584)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit. http://tfl.nu/5kq2
  Replies (11) Good night (1274) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos. http://tfl.nu/unc3
  Replies (16) Good night (1662) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June. http://tfl.nu/llud
  Replies (13) Good night (2651) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life? http://tfl.nu/01wo
  Replies (7) Good night (1029) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Post-sex nachos deserve a song.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Post-sex nachos deserve a song. http://tfl.nu/enl8
  Replies (8) Good night (1150) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39314) Bad night (1501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40138) Bad night (1531)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1920)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173061) Bad night (6898) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112223) Bad night (9729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us.. http://tfl.nu/2996
  Replies (20) Good night (3284) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great. http://tfl.nu/f48j
  Replies (9) Good night (1092) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted. http://tfl.nu/igqi
  Replies (7) Good night (2180) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way. http://tfl.nu/f0qk
  Replies (3) Good night (836) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (002): View more from

  There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (002): There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink http://tfl.nu/tsjq
  Replies (8) Good night (1612) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (61) Good night (30529) Bad night (1224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30857) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38537) Bad night (1467)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this. http://tfl.nu/nvhn
  Replies (14) Good night (1728) Bad night (389)