Texts From Last Night

Lua's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51700) Bad night (5695)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72066) Bad night (2126) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife http://tfl.nu/ib00
  Replies (67) Good night (7811) Bad night (2098) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early. http://tfl.nu/8f7a
  Replies (17) Good night (6484) Bad night (1785)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially. http://tfl.nu/gw0l
  Replies (24) Good night (8994) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day http://tfl.nu/y67c
  Replies (42) Good night (3714) Bad night (6529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window. http://tfl.nu/q9w7
  Replies (24) Good night (4915) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per." http://tfl.nu/jili
  Replies (6) Good night (3922) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
  Replies (33) Good night (7415) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out. http://tfl.nu/zite
  Replies (19) Good night (4542) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): ugh. my soul tastes like vodka http://tfl.nu/d0v0
  Replies (9) Good night (4282) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him? http://tfl.nu/pyyw
  Replies (23) Good night (6313) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
  Replies (35) Good night (16994) Bad night (772)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her http://tfl.nu/en5u
  Replies (48) Good night (2528) Bad night (3213)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
  Replies (210) Good night (31723) Bad night (2857)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): you made cement angels. it was a great sight. http://tfl.nu/etc6
  Replies (18) Good night (5849) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
  Replies (39) Good night (13970) Bad night (903)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day. http://tfl.nu/g1ig
  Replies (15) Good night (4437) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
  Replies (52) Good night (36669) Bad night (1643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you come get me at the bar

  (301): View more from Maryland

  ill be there in 10 min

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): can you come get me at the bar (301): ill be there in 10 min (570): can we stop off at build a bear on the way home http://tfl.nu/der9
  Replies (37) Good night (9478) Bad night (663)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt? http://tfl.nu/bzrm
  Replies (26) Good night (4141) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat? http://tfl.nu/beg4
  Replies (64) Good night (10876) Bad night (1756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina? http://tfl.nu/iipt
  Replies (17) Good night (3609) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits http://tfl.nu/ms1d
  Replies (16) Good night (6998) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success. http://tfl.nu/y8ni
  Replies (15) Good night (5073) Bad night (545)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows http://tfl.nu/5bqe
  Replies (21) Good night (5938) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
  Replies (21) Good night (6055) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

  (903): View more from Texas

  wow. i have no words.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door. (903): wow. i have no words. http://tfl.nu/bjsv
  Replies (29) Good night (5661) Bad night (888)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
  Replies (45) Good night (23478) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/usna
  Replies (12) Good night (2398) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

  (404): View more from Georgia

  so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago (404): so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me? http://tfl.nu/o0wy
  Replies (30) Good night (8535) Bad night (960)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/zmp3
  Replies (12) Good night (5689) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room. (1-480): Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess? (480): You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about. http://tfl.nu/fd7a
  Replies (38) Good night (7235) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
  Replies (57) Good night (16789) Bad night (1010)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye http://tfl.nu/p3ay
  Replies (75) Good night (3133) Bad night (2094) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (16410) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off http://tfl.nu/1hbn
  Replies (13) Good night (4184) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab. http://tfl.nu/iyx8
  Replies (14) Good night (4656) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/9a64
  Replies (17) Good night (608) Bad night (3674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version http://tfl.nu/ectn
  Replies (32) Good night (2186) Bad night (4481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
  Replies (70) Good night (4986) Bad night (9455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything? http://tfl.nu/ldjb
  Replies (25) Good night (5235) Bad night (717)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9
  Replies (49) Good night (1129) Bad night (5965) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude? http://tfl.nu/wnbm
  Replies (90) Good night (1255) Bad night (7315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
  Replies (21) Good night (11346) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv
  Replies (47) Good night (21940) Bad night (892)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (32266) Bad night (1605)
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (709): you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub http://tfl.nu/5cjl
  Replies (20) Good night (5007) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
  Replies (348) Good night (43798) Bad night (4566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces". http://tfl.nu/rjzc
  Replies (5) Good night (3805) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever http://tfl.nu/0zmb
  Replies (19) Good night (5896) Bad night (500)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts
  Replies (37) Good night (11232) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie. http://tfl.nu/a1e2
  Replies (12) Good night (3807) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever. http://tfl.nu/av4z
  Replies (15) Good night (696) Bad night (4191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (9288) Bad night (1161)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

  (214): View more from Texas

  round 2?

  (972): View more from Texas

  EVER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again. (214): round 2? (972): EVER. http://tfl.nu/6p06
  Replies (10) Good night (992) Bad night (3471)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30857) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box.. http://tfl.nu/ei9f
  Replies (32) Good night (1904) Bad night (4917)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify
  Replies (58) Good night (8635) Bad night (797)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

  (760): View more from California

  You are my hero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI? (760): You are my hero http://tfl.nu/9mtt
  Replies (36) Good night (7103) Bad night (1013)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv' http://tfl.nu/bicf
  Replies (49) Good night (10931) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark http://tfl.nu/z2dx
  Replies (27) Good night (6938) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint. http://tfl.nu/71cw
  Replies (32) Good night (6277) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
  Replies (28) Good night (20938) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina. http://tfl.nu/rpnu
  Replies (46) Good night (7208) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween. http://tfl.nu/3m71
  Replies (22) Good night (6503) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
  Replies (24) Good night (17871) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you. http://tfl.nu/vwt4
  Replies (21) Good night (6134) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York. http://tfl.nu/ptqc
  Replies (34) Good night (7629) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not. http://tfl.nu/74g7
  Replies (27) Good night (9386) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon http://tfl.nu/u9ei
  Replies (70) Good night (967) Bad night (3383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
  Replies (50) Good night (47535) Bad night (1244)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
  Replies (39) Good night (19391) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62265) Bad night (4269)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
  Replies (53) Good night (26162) Bad night (1819)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (127) Good night (127098) Bad night (2833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80199) Bad night (4310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for? (1-630): Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun. http://tfl.nu/9dkv
  Replies (17) Good night (3947) Bad night (615)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  That's not a bad idea, actually...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): 24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online. (1-503): That's not a bad idea, actually... http://tfl.nu/oxdt
  Replies (19) Good night (3861) Bad night (536)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
  Replies (21) Good night (6269) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet?? http://tfl.nu/wkxa
  Replies (39) Good night (1199) Bad night (5397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again. http://tfl.nu/eq2e
  Replies (26) Good night (7751) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
  Replies (48) Good night (9297) Bad night (799)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices. http://tfl.nu/oyfa
  Replies (10) Good night (676) Bad night (5498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're dead to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up? (812): You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/331c
  Replies (48) Good night (8803) Bad night (892)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on http://tfl.nu/v7m7
  Replies (41) Good night (6666) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally. http://tfl.nu/2rgg
  Replies (12) Good night (2502) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (203) Good night (40011) Bad night (3198) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51244) Bad night (2588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
  Replies (203) Good night (116802) Bad night (3277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

  (616): View more from Michigan

  What?!?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police (616): What?!? (810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police http://tfl.nu/unre
  Replies (20) Good night (4437) Bad night (646)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133105) Bad night (5772)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (43623) Bad night (1465)
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
  Replies (58) Good night (26509) Bad night (1261)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
  Replies (38) Good night (17148) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
  Replies (82) Good night (39583) Bad night (1945)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (61) Good night (30530) Bad night (1224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1923)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (38322) Bad night (1650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
  Replies (43) Good night (15441) Bad night (1654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
  Replies (42) Good night (14617) Bad night (1225)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
  Replies (60) Good night (24563) Bad night (1717)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (85) Good night (38119) Bad night (1623)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86084) Bad night (8380)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
  Replies (15) Good night (24373) Bad night (864)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
  Replies (22) Good night (28721) Bad night (971) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ. http://tfl.nu/qy75
  Replies (37) Good night (25083) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
  Replies (110) Good night (45985) Bad night (2487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
  Replies (141) Good night (19637) Bad night (2221) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
  Replies (38) Good night (17189) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56850) Bad night (4690)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
  Replies (104) Good night (23415) Bad night (775)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
  Replies (196) Good night (1837) Bad night (16485)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
  Replies (74) Good night (17438) Bad night (1316)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
  Replies (40) Good night (28143) Bad night (946) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (182) Good night (51527) Bad night (1870)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142170) Bad night (9315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
  Replies (82) Good night (26536) Bad night (1387)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64853) Bad night (2525)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39316) Bad night (1501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (21338) Bad night (2982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (43944) Bad night (1997)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (49051) Bad night (2042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
  Replies (37) Good night (21992) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38423) Bad night (3077)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
  Replies (67) Good night (19701) Bad night (947)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40140) Bad night (1532)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
  Replies (46) Good night (15967) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
  Replies (42) Good night (19859) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
  Replies (63) Good night (56998) Bad night (1222)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
  Replies (39) Good night (14406) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73395) Bad night (2473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz
  Replies (14) Good night (2046) Bad night (5759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
  Replies (14) Good night (13883) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag. (610): was it embarrassing when you had to say yes? http://tfl.nu/rz29
  Replies (10) Good night (1439) Bad night (6150)
• Favorite

  (368): View more from

  you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (368): you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/nfr6
  Replies (22) Good night (6750) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (18194) Bad night (1177)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
  Replies (122) Good night (3066) Bad night (15118)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9
  Replies (25) Good night (2876) Bad night (5388) Order T-Shirt