Texts From Last Night · Lorelai's Favorites

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Lorelai's Favorites Texts:

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(416): no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us http://tfl.nu/s0m4

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(612): Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore. http://tfl.nu/3jmh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(203): he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible... (1-203): your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen http://tfl.nu/mgfl

Replies (19) Good night (5197) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(651): Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink (952): That text needs to switch to water. http://tfl.nu/83yo

Replies (4) Good night (1930) Bad night (270)
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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(321): Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance. http://tfl.nu/ue6b

Replies (56) Good night (1094) Bad night (2135)
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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(201): normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek. http://tfl.nu/tra5

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(916): I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum. http://tfl.nu/f301

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(209): this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not. http://tfl.nu/74g7

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(330): hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something? (614): is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'? (330): how did you know? http://tfl.nu/tzki

Replies (4) Good night (2022) Bad night (247)
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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(707): admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it. http://tfl.nu/03xs

Replies (2) Good night (1729) Bad night (399)
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(717): Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/7fz1

Replies (9) Good night (5601) Bad night (571)
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(510): View more from California

Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

(1-510): View more from California

Tgat was the small dick alert

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(510): Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands (1-510): Tgat was the small dick alert http://tfl.nu/0ham

Replies (4) Good night (1897) Bad night (428)
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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(303): But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you. http://tfl.nu/unr3

Replies (10) Good night (4494) Bad night (665)
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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(414): You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!" http://tfl.nu/0oge

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(540): View more from Virginia

He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.

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(540): He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad. http://tfl.nu/cg55

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg

Replies (13) Good night (5621) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(314): For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex http://tfl.nu/vblx

Replies (20) Good night (970) Bad night (4226)
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(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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(404): STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing... http://tfl.nu/ooo5

Replies (1) Good night (245) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(913): I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen http://tfl.nu/cr8z

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(310): View more from California

I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.

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(310): I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are. http://tfl.nu/tz5c

Replies (1) Good night (1466) Bad night (178)
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(505): Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard. http://tfl.nu/5mz2

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(315): View more from New York

Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.

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(315): Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library. http://tfl.nu/bcrx

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(757): View more from Virginia

margs and chips and queso make the world go round

(1-757): View more from Virginia

well and inertia

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(757): margs and chips and queso make the world go round (1-757): well and inertia http://tfl.nu/cjuy

Replies (7) Good night (1147) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(832): I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro. (1-832): Totally acceptable. http://tfl.nu/y2av

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(801): View more from Utah

After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road

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(801): After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road http://tfl.nu/nkf2

Replies (9) Good night (423) Bad night (881)
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(850): View more from Florida

She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.

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(850): She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November. http://tfl.nu/riz6

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(+44): Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism. http://tfl.nu/zz0f

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b

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(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

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(909): Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge. http://tfl.nu/2a01

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(810): View more from Michigan

Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot

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(810): Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot http://tfl.nu/f236

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(360): You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/13cn

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(206): Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack. (1-206): Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on. (206): Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together. http://tfl.nu/xcw6

Replies (11) Good night (1787) Bad night (243)
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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(937): Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/8uev

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(928): I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now. http://tfl.nu/gaaz

Replies (29) Good night (2878) Bad night (261)
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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb

Replies (178) Good night (48585) Bad night (1808)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(724): the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street http://tfl.nu/sbee

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2

Replies (12) Good night (5575) Bad night (292)
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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(914): He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List (914): Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired) http://tfl.nu/bfp9

Replies (27) Good night (1429) Bad night (559)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever

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(715): All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever http://tfl.nu/1qjr

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(206): Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio. http://tfl.nu/95rn

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(804): I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT? http://tfl.nu/e21q

Replies (9) Good night (1503) Bad night (546)
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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(202): He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message. http://tfl.nu/bw67

Replies (10) Good night (1317) Bad night (632)
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(925): View more from California

We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts

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(925): We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts http://tfl.nu/eq30

Replies (7) Good night (1369) Bad night (226)
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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q

Replies (22) Good night (2205) Bad night (334)
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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(732): When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails. http://tfl.nu/3vyn

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(918): Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm. (1-918): And she used to have such long ones. Sad. http://tfl.nu/v7eg

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it http://tfl.nu/sa3y

Replies (52) Good night (1082) Bad night (5896)
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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(212): how are things with the new girl? (917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked http://tfl.nu/oe1i

Replies (5) Good night (2570) Bad night (450)
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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(919): My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it. http://tfl.nu/7nca

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(802): shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots. http://tfl.nu/6u08

Replies (12) Good night (1722) Bad night (330)
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(908): Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME http://tfl.nu/m336

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(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

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(520): Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots. http://tfl.nu/9hrm

Replies (5) Good night (1432) Bad night (395)
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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(727): I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights. http://tfl.nu/lg7e

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(610): Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates. http://tfl.nu/faj1

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?

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(818): On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now? http://tfl.nu/j4yz

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(941): She is totally STD (941): Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD http://tfl.nu/ruv5

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(614): I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat. (1-614): Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate? http://tfl.nu/mxr5

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(256): OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE http://tfl.nu/qfju

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw

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(972): View more from Texas

Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

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(972): Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday. http://tfl.nu/3qlk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(908): You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night. (732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/bgum

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(226): Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice? (226): Don't answer that. It is bad. http://tfl.nu/e65p

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr

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(314): View more from Missouri

New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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(314): New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there? http://tfl.nu/271n

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(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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(561): We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us? http://tfl.nu/dqdu

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(308): He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along. http://tfl.nu/kb7d

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(540): what do you have against ST (1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/zpvl

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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(774): This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams http://tfl.nu/o9iv

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(914): All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore. http://tfl.nu/ai56

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(325): how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit http://tfl.nu/gfh9

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid

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(214): View more from Texas

I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.

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(214): I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be. http://tfl.nu/287t

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(201): for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/brad

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(256): Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO. http://tfl.nu/k62i

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(812): View more from Indiana

obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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(812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date http://tfl.nu/sjjn

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj

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(720): View more from Colorado

my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

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(720): my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am. http://tfl.nu/xw8k

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo

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(602): View more from Arizona

either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.

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(602): either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing. http://tfl.nu/e07a

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(508): those are such fre$h shoes (1-508): going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign http://tfl.nu/bk8p

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax

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(847): View more from Illinois

i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song

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(847): i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song http://tfl.nu/7299

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

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(860): It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it. http://tfl.nu/6u0x

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(651): View more from Minnesota

glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

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(651): glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic. http://tfl.nu/f4h9

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(310): He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone http://tfl.nu/3ij4

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(801): Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month. http://tfl.nu/irqs

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(925): Wait, how do girls masturbate? (1-925): I dunno we use shower heads I guess. (925): ..how does it fit? http://tfl.nu/ktf5

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(646): Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her. http://tfl.nu/s0ys

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?

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(719): If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies? http://tfl.nu/dbdn

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

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(856): When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'. http://tfl.nu/va9k

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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(336): I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs. http://tfl.nu/p7wi

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(412): The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce? http://tfl.nu/j2ba

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(973): That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that. http://tfl.nu/drll

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(601): You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion. http://tfl.nu/8mpu

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(303): Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group (1-303): But you wear shame so well http://tfl.nu/l3oh

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(586): LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT http://tfl.nu/bpk7

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(443): Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version? http://tfl.nu/d18m

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(631): The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason. http://tfl.nu/mydy

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(314): Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won http://tfl.nu/r5as

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(757): Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse. (1-757): I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic? http://tfl.nu/c2pk

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(+61): He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him. http://tfl.nu/9g1s

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.

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(203): it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along. http://tfl.nu/rnt1

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(307): this is worse than the time i threw up a condom. http://tfl.nu/98sx

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(408): Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission http://tfl.nu/3kcn

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(413): he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight' (860): where do you find these guys? http://tfl.nu/yte1

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(323): Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/6rmt

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important

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(780): Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important http://tfl.nu/ydfw

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...

(404): View more from Georgia

In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)

(678): View more from Georgia

cunt.

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(678): So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile... (404): In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;) (678): cunt. http://tfl.nu/sbha

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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(306): Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls (1-306): I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome http://tfl.nu/f4ni

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva

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(631): View more from New York

But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.

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(631): But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures. http://tfl.nu/g3us

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(480): he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/q5w1

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(651): So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it. http://tfl.nu/j4ss

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j

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(720): View more from Colorado

It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment

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(720): It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment http://tfl.nu/cuki

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(850): No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status..... http://tfl.nu/5hnt

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(301): View more from Maryland

he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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(301): he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd http://tfl.nu/beck

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.

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(717): Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/hix3

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(919): No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/9kp9

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(954): The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now http://tfl.nu/qowj

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(814): bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles. http://tfl.nu/uozt

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(908): My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this. http://tfl.nu/dlh8

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20

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(651): I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20 http://tfl.nu/s3lf

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(856): View more from New Jersey

smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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(856): smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/69tk

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy

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(219): View more from Indiana

I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?

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(219): I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate? http://tfl.nu/53jf

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(+44): One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend. http://tfl.nu/kcdy

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(303): I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college. http://tfl.nu/snfw

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(614): I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table' http://tfl.nu/avs4

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(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

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(952): and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame http://tfl.nu/7sdj

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(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

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(410): It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand. http://tfl.nu/z8dm

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(618): Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off. (309): Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay? http://tfl.nu/53dx

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(414): Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that? http://tfl.nu/owak

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(978): There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me http://tfl.nu/i0wj

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(406): A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true. http://tfl.nu/azt6

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

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(252): I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars (1-252): I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers http://tfl.nu/w67j

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(248): the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness (1-248): don't cry, we can learn from her http://tfl.nu/jqhb

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(701): Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten. http://tfl.nu/1asa

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(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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(702): Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam http://tfl.nu/lqc4

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(706): View more from Georgia

He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

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(706): He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation. http://tfl.nu/vr82

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night

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(978): How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night http://tfl.nu/80v5

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(701): Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle. http://tfl.nu/xafh

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(904): he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french? http://tfl.nu/ofgx

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(936): I swallowed for you. Answer the phone. http://tfl.nu/f04x

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(417): Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go. http://tfl.nu/8zsf

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience

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(978): Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience http://tfl.nu/snc8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(412): I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof http://tfl.nu/k401

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(+44): you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop. (1+44): I regret nothing http://tfl.nu/8vxi

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(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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(917): He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay. http://tfl.nu/36pt

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(817): I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months" http://tfl.nu/023g

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.

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(719): I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts. http://tfl.nu/kevg

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(214): View more from Texas

Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night

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(214): Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night http://tfl.nu/b3zy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(609): Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying http://tfl.nu/j2oh

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(916): I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up http://tfl.nu/ccq8

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate

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(318): i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate http://tfl.nu/h0ad

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to give you the keys to my place

(1-561): View more from Florida

Then I'll give you the keys to my heart

(561): View more from Florida

Gag me

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(561): I am going to give you the keys to my place (1-561): Then I'll give you the keys to my heart (561): Gag me http://tfl.nu/oa16

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

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(774): just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break. http://tfl.nu/t20t

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(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

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(845): he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life" (845): where do u find these people!? http://tfl.nu/mb20

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(414): Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things. http://tfl.nu/uvud

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(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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(417): In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D. http://tfl.nu/wwrb

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(605): They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now? http://tfl.nu/s9tm

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(647): View more from Ontario

Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.

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(647): Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever. http://tfl.nu/jdwu

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0

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(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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(516): drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries http://tfl.nu/4gv5

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(417): How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave? http://tfl.nu/9xty

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(814): yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him. http://tfl.nu/on87

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(520): View more from Arizona

They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

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(520): They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield" http://tfl.nu/wdyt

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(406): she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over. http://tfl.nu/abn4

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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(937): she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks. http://tfl.nu/kgtb

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(918): Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking. http://tfl.nu/gpcu

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(702): I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me. (1-702): True on all accounts. http://tfl.nu/tt9s

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(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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(716): i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me http://tfl.nu/peek

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(914): View more from New York

The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

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(914): The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients. http://tfl.nu/y7zq

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(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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(816): She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum http://tfl.nu/72bu

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(315): I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do http://tfl.nu/m83n

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.

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(978): I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call. http://tfl.nu/ftpa

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(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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(678): Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting? http://tfl.nu/j29m

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(708): he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that. (1-708): ahaha ok (708): let's call it "werewolfing" http://tfl.nu/709l

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(845): 3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year. http://tfl.nu/9uak

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(610): When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job http://tfl.nu/gbra

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(303): View more from Colorado

He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

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(303): He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts. http://tfl.nu/jof7

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(949): View more from California

this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.

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(949): this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning. http://tfl.nu/8me0

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(248): All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go. (269): Gonna go for any of them? (248): Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us. http://tfl.nu/3pp6

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(281): View more from Texas

Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

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(281): Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers. http://tfl.nu/dra4

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(262): i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching. (715): okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference. http://tfl.nu/rrjb

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(623): View more from Arizona

Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.

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(623): Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes. http://tfl.nu/phpt

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(978): He's almost as awesome as vicodin. (513): Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you http://tfl.nu/u3r1

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(403): My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind. http://tfl.nu/y5d8

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(972): the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me. (214): elevator sex. pronto. http://tfl.nu/j5vd

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(304): its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god. http://tfl.nu/qi32

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.

(518): View more from New York

Huh?

(917): View more from New York City

I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

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(917): I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college. (518): Huh? (917): I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school. http://tfl.nu/00x0

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(360): Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head. http://tfl.nu/n0gh

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(248): On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers" http://tfl.nu/kmiv

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(304): Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us http://tfl.nu/9jfi

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(317): I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30. http://tfl.nu/4yw7

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(845): There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help. (845): Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me. http://tfl.nu/1wp4

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(713): View more from Texas

The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.

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(713): The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever. http://tfl.nu/rdxs

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(731): Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us. http://tfl.nu/v50h

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love http://tfl.nu/30hf

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend. http://tfl.nu/myz5

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(619): Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him.. http://tfl.nu/bqg4

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(716): she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/z4y6

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(340): I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen. http://tfl.nu/cees

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(254): Im just a social blackout drinker. http://tfl.nu/yfwk

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(757): View more from Virginia

Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.

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(757): Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete. http://tfl.nu/0fk8

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(260): His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too. http://tfl.nu/ej6j

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(409): You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate. http://tfl.nu/kfhp

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(614): View more from Ohio

This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

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(614): This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off? http://tfl.nu/dr6k

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(513): Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection! (1-513): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/k49b

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(910): I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers http://tfl.nu/vom9

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(406): He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine. http://tfl.nu/2wf3

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(850): View more from Florida

My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.

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(850): My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper. http://tfl.nu/6jx2

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(802): View more from Vermont

It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

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(802): It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices http://tfl.nu/xsk4

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(713): Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on http://tfl.nu/6fw7

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(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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(518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(678): Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out http://tfl.nu/g5nx

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(520): We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis. http://tfl.nu/wjfa

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(504): Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed. http://tfl.nu/fl8o

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(717): check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later http://tfl.nu/adck

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(307): They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting. http://tfl.nu/gm65

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(661): u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom http://tfl.nu/4j5d

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(570): Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." .. http://tfl.nu/4q08

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(973): I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today? http://tfl.nu/iuhq

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(828): Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt. http://tfl.nu/toh0

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(416): I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him". (416): That's about an "8" on normal scales. http://tfl.nu/joyf

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(206): He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking. http://tfl.nu/jryu

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem http://tfl.nu/p4jh

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(412): Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option? (412): I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be? http://tfl.nu/cvc8

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(724): His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off. http://tfl.nu/q67j

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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(267): This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this. http://tfl.nu/d3gm

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(937): And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/r7zp

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(480): My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap" http://tfl.nu/nk79

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(503): some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?' http://tfl.nu/rnao

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone http://tfl.nu/hyr8

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(512): Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here. http://tfl.nu/r3kt

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(330): sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks. http://tfl.nu/zakx

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(516): nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex http://tfl.nu/zwof

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(765): I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me. http://tfl.nu/y0cn

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(612): You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship. http://tfl.nu/eji2

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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(484): Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere. http://tfl.nu/h3z2

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(651): View more from Minnesota

whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.

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(651): whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it. http://tfl.nu/g1hs

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(386): View more from Florida

You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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(386): You going to midnight mass? we need a dd http://tfl.nu/65xe

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(619): Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time. http://tfl.nu/4w7h

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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(973): Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical http://tfl.nu/uh4w

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(757): It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah" http://tfl.nu/ebyl

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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(774): there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours? http://tfl.nu/8xmr

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(405): I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad. http://tfl.nu/l0uz

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(207): guess who has a date tonight (401): look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed http://tfl.nu/0667

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.

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(403): she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that. http://tfl.nu/e222

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(925): make sure i look cute passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/459h

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(781): if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it http://tfl.nu/706q

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(717): we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are http://tfl.nu/vwno

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(262): Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU? http://tfl.nu/jzba

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(978): i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies. http://tfl.nu/qg5x

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(251): I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back. http://tfl.nu/rqzq

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(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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(904): You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus. http://tfl.nu/zy6a

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(604): 5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real. http://tfl.nu/vlat

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(937): View more from Ohio

I forgot how hot balto sounded

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(937): I forgot how hot balto sounded http://tfl.nu/4hja

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance. http://tfl.nu/rnd5

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(925): If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them. http://tfl.nu/pte3

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(618): I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day? http://tfl.nu/kj71

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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(609): Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home. http://tfl.nu/wrow

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(775): He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had. http://tfl.nu/a3aj

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(+44): Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning . http://tfl.nu/qry6

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions. http://tfl.nu/p23c

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(209): View more from California

just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?

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(209): just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto? http://tfl.nu/nvmp

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(847): what did you hear about me? (630): that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around (630): that was hard to say and not laugh http://tfl.nu/dwdl

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(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

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(402): so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either. http://tfl.nu/umcw

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(716): your facebook page is a work of drunk art. http://tfl.nu/2ehc

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(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

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(+61): We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere http://tfl.nu/ed23

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(954): I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets http://tfl.nu/eeot

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.

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(704): Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer. http://tfl.nu/6wvk

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1

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(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

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(850): I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes. http://tfl.nu/54pv

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(213): your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now. http://tfl.nu/w3yg

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4

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(253): View more from Washington

Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

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(253): Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning... http://tfl.nu/es8o

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(617): some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back http://tfl.nu/e5xr

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(215): Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me. http://tfl.nu/119t

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"

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(701): Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro" http://tfl.nu/ltp9

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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(605): Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever. http://tfl.nu/1cen

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(708): if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again http://tfl.nu/p1ce

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(208): New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry. http://tfl.nu/cesa

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(425): the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition http://tfl.nu/w42o

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

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(317): Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/x6uc

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(225): all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices. http://tfl.nu/vgow

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(217): I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in. http://tfl.nu/j76d

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(540): I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge. http://tfl.nu/mw98

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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(785): Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok http://tfl.nu/c6qb

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend

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(920): I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend http://tfl.nu/kstp

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(805): He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/k960

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(302): I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy http://tfl.nu/6i8p

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(404): Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song... http://tfl.nu/qxfs

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(718): you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water... http://tfl.nu/djs2

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(720): the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat. http://tfl.nu/19vn

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(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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(704): When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell http://tfl.nu/rk2d

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(217): Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls. http://tfl.nu/z40q

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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(901): Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy http://tfl.nu/xs8r

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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(423): We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands. http://tfl.nu/9yq1

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(913): I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name? http://tfl.nu/qxdg

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(702): I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared. http://tfl.nu/11u7

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(715): Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off? (651): That's yours. We cut you off. http://tfl.nu/7df9

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(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

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(209): I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that. http://tfl.nu/8ygm

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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(630): I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/bzms

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841

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(858): View more from California

He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

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(858): He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities http://tfl.nu/i2zo

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning

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(215): he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning http://tfl.nu/kfu4

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(540): She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic. http://tfl.nu/cwdw

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(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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(708): My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase. http://tfl.nu/2212

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(913): You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. http://tfl.nu/ise6

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.

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(724): He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever. http://tfl.nu/8ol6

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(402): if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you. http://tfl.nu/a1uo

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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(+44): It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol http://tfl.nu/lr14

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(719): View more from Colorado

He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.

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(719): He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year. http://tfl.nu/71up

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(206): View more from Washington

Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

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(206): Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit. http://tfl.nu/8fs8

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(804): we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close. http://tfl.nu/c6b4

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(812): View more from Indiana

Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time

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(812): Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time http://tfl.nu/8x6u

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(314): Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine http://tfl.nu/lktn

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(205): View more from Alabama

Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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(205): Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am. http://tfl.nu/dyri

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(845): I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain? http://tfl.nu/0jn9

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(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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(512): You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually. http://tfl.nu/mnpg

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(518): plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/e2rh

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(248): like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life. http://tfl.nu/wwre

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh

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(623): View more from Arizona

I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt

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(623): I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt http://tfl.nu/6d18

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(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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(217): The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend http://tfl.nu/q6fw

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(814): I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups. http://tfl.nu/oj47

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(513): I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid. http://tfl.nu/geoy

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis http://tfl.nu/fz5v

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(303): I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away http://tfl.nu/qpjo

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(646): It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka. http://tfl.nu/p7s5

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf

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(305): View more from Florida

woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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(305): woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"... http://tfl.nu/ev8f

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(618): You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/feuh

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(615): View more from Tennessee

As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.

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(615): As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge. http://tfl.nu/pca6

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(703): Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge. http://tfl.nu/8cnn

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(615): View more from Tennessee

To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...

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(615): To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels... http://tfl.nu/f4i6

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(251): View more from Alabama

Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal

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(251): Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal http://tfl.nu/vqqo

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(914): She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles. http://tfl.nu/pzt3

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(256): I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far. http://tfl.nu/ba65

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(573): Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12 http://tfl.nu/xbs4

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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(570): she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time http://tfl.nu/kzmt

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(989): View more from Michigan

It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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(989): It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened. http://tfl.nu/z3yw

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(919): Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music. http://tfl.nu/oyb0

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(360): View more from Washington

Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?

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(360): Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life? http://tfl.nu/1n7v

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(360): Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk. http://tfl.nu/k2pc

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(360): View more from Washington

I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized

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(360): I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized http://tfl.nu/nze6

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back. http://tfl.nu/kpg0

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side. http://tfl.nu/rosc

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(970): There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/bv2v

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(094): View more from

After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.

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(094): After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while. http://tfl.nu/x4in

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(620): I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process. http://tfl.nu/qg86

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(484): They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again. http://tfl.nu/d9r7

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(913): We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount! http://tfl.nu/fchz

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct

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(812): View more from Indiana

For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

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(812): For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor http://tfl.nu/nslr

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(440): View more from Ohio

basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.

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(440): basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out. http://tfl.nu/kbtu

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(443): View more from Maryland

I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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(443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(303): The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened http://tfl.nu/m273

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(660): View more from Missouri

I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.

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(660): I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym. http://tfl.nu/tj7a

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(607): She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her. http://tfl.nu/f1tk

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(410): I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism http://tfl.nu/m451

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(516): Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system http://tfl.nu/i7jp

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(910): All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day... (910): It's inspiring. http://tfl.nu/vfb2

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(845): So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing http://tfl.nu/1y41

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(678): So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God. http://tfl.nu/decj

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard. http://tfl.nu/xmhj

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.

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(262): it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day. http://tfl.nu/nryu

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(208): Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time http://tfl.nu/nmkk

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(514): he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come. http://tfl.nu/c1dt

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(283): she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love. http://tfl.nu/fwj8

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(864): I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized. http://tfl.nu/3fi2

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(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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(402): 21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion. http://tfl.nu/915q

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(724): I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head. http://tfl.nu/4vvd

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(+39): my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever. http://tfl.nu/kcqx

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(215): Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour.... http://tfl.nu/achx

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(815): Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. http://tfl.nu/ev5h

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

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(931): I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex. http://tfl.nu/p3z3

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(812): Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this... http://tfl.nu/q2aq

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(814): its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid http://tfl.nu/99tk

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(845): weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize http://tfl.nu/jvbl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(+44): Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/nkcl

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(405): You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's. http://tfl.nu/922r

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(908): View more from New Jersey

idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it

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(908): idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it http://tfl.nu/l3eq

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

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(215): he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go. http://tfl.nu/h29u

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine. http://tfl.nu/7gi6

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(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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(317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(315): when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly' http://tfl.nu/2ku4

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(919): Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory? (1-919): Because we had sex in one. http://tfl.nu/y2am

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(305): Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer. http://tfl.nu/0a2y

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(214): Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem http://tfl.nu/y1i7

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp

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(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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(469): I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?" http://tfl.nu/ut0z

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now. http://tfl.nu/xg11

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(480): View more from Arizona

this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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(480): this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking. http://tfl.nu/0htm

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(409): View more from Texas

There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.

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(409): There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit. http://tfl.nu/49qn

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(678): She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever http://tfl.nu/ozbc

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(519): ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry. http://tfl.nu/wsym

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(518): Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis http://tfl.nu/kplw

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(616): Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately? http://tfl.nu/0g6n

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(250): Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety... http://tfl.nu/2t4m

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day http://tfl.nu/ru8t

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(949): Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk? http://tfl.nu/zd5j

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(702): Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now http://tfl.nu/aoyo

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(703): She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am http://tfl.nu/kql6

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(203): i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today? http://tfl.nu/2t0w

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(203): She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious http://tfl.nu/rvtf

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(315): don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there http://tfl.nu/ybdj

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(303): I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/1fh9

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(815): drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me. http://tfl.nu/k6i1

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(248): I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together. http://tfl.nu/x99f

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(262): My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?" http://tfl.nu/j8cb

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(954): I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart. http://tfl.nu/2rds

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(314): DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT?? http://tfl.nu/2vmn

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(858): Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1s89

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS! http://tfl.nu/o380

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(973): just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year. http://tfl.nu/md62

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(863): fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes" http://tfl.nu/05z7

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(613): Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B. http://tfl.nu/8gac

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(419): We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun. http://tfl.nu/fiqf

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(610): Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can http://tfl.nu/8h8s

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(210): yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons." http://tfl.nu/jfl4

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(585): you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation. http://tfl.nu/l508

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(715): You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts" http://tfl.nu/ong1

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.

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(414): hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me. http://tfl.nu/ash4

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(816): View more from Missouri

She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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(816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore" http://tfl.nu/r6vm

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(803): I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do. http://tfl.nu/xze3

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(402): Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat. http://tfl.nu/e56w

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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(814): Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader. http://tfl.nu/y8oj

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later. http://tfl.nu/r27t

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(619): View more from California

Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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(619): Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular. http://tfl.nu/9sri

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(805): View more from California

peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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(805): peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees. http://tfl.nu/j4sn

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(904): Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone. http://tfl.nu/zr80

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(602): I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door. http://tfl.nu/hvfb

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(217): The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time. http://tfl.nu/mdb9

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(508): I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money" http://tfl.nu/engr

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(516): i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor (1-516): did you bang her? (516): seriously? http://tfl.nu/fyme

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(617): Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way. http://tfl.nu/5f04

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(876): After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone http://tfl.nu/ammv

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(540): hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her http://tfl.nu/8ahn

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(304): Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way. http://tfl.nu/jfrt

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

organizing the empties. That sober.

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(508): organizing the empties. That sober. http://tfl.nu/fz1p

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(770): If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way? http://tfl.nu/2yix

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(507): She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart... http://tfl.nu/kgd9

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(508): he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out http://tfl.nu/cxh0

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(978): as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..." http://tfl.nu/w3wh

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(315): I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic? http://tfl.nu/satp

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(602): I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you http://tfl.nu/rxgp

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. http://tfl.nu/lsv9

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(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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(917): you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit http://tfl.nu/h4ki

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(781): Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?! (781): Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze. http://tfl.nu/sc14

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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(804): my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2 http://tfl.nu/hna9

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb

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(513): View more from Ohio

He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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(513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded. http://tfl.nu/owwz

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(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

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(514): please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom... (1-514): Does an alley count? http://tfl.nu/n7ir

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(781): Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa... http://tfl.nu/bbhr

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(601): There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis. http://tfl.nu/xpx8

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(705): I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless. http://tfl.nu/v2dr

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(208): I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table http://tfl.nu/g7sx

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(617): Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night http://tfl.nu/jx5s

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(804): he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america. http://tfl.nu/700m

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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(978): i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months http://tfl.nu/y63w

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(615): Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can. http://tfl.nu/eowl

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

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(815): He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for? http://tfl.nu/k6v7

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(303): I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more. http://tfl.nu/r5mk

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb

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(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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(815): i don't really know how much tequila is too much http://tfl.nu/p5o7

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(650): Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th http://tfl.nu/8el9

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a

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(207): View more from Maine

He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

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(207): He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies. http://tfl.nu/e64k

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(860): Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out (1-860): Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins http://tfl.nu/pc38

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(616): whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook. (231): i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment. http://tfl.nu/fvdt

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(360): super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again http://tfl.nu/5apw

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(309): why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat?? http://tfl.nu/gupl

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(+49): They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany! http://tfl.nu/9nli

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(765): he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law. http://tfl.nu/4onk

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c

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(713): View more from Texas

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.

(713): View more from Texas

I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

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(713): Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party. (713): I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over. (832): Texas should really raise its teaching standards. http://tfl.nu/yy08

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(816): View more from Missouri

you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

(636): View more from Missouri

you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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(816): you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint? (636): you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint? http://tfl.nu/hfu5

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(269): just do him I won't tell jon (1-269): um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore http://tfl.nu/l9xs

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt

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(615): View more from Tennessee

New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

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(615): New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs http://tfl.nu/ycoz

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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(304): my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos" http://tfl.nu/exf3

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(310): View more from California

I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

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(310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece. http://tfl.nu/uvvr

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse? (1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood http://tfl.nu/oc9k

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(513): He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma http://tfl.nu/x4vk

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(585): View more from New York

i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject

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(585): i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject http://tfl.nu/mz5t

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm in love

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(484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue (484): I'm in love http://tfl.nu/im8q

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(828): View more from North Carolina

..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz

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(828): ..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels. (1-828): nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz http://tfl.nu/wr90

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(707): You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond. http://tfl.nu/h38e

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(586): Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that. http://tfl.nu/5bcj

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(606): View more from Kentucky

His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

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(606): His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!" (1-606): You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents. http://tfl.nu/3y9c

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(989): View more from Michigan

We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.

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(989): We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked. http://tfl.nu/falb

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(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

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(646): he just put it in my mouth and said "go" http://tfl.nu/nvzb

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days! (804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us! (703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted. http://tfl.nu/ybes

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(571): View more from Virginia

She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.

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(571): She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/q72a

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(970): View more from Colorado

If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it

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(970): If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it http://tfl.nu/jxp6

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(630): I like you better when you drink (708): I like you better when I drink too http://tfl.nu/cvjp

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(513): View more from Ohio

So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.

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(513): So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it. http://tfl.nu/bqup

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

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(773): Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper http://tfl.nu/ngxc

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(289): I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone. http://tfl.nu/rtzl

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(224): View more from Illinois

bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.

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(224): bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh. http://tfl.nu/hyh0

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(512): View more from Texas

Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

(1-512): View more from Texas

well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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(512): Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not! (1-512): well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number http://tfl.nu/3fc4

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(810): View more from Michigan

did you make any bad decisions?

(248): View more from Michigan

many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that

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(810): did you make any bad decisions? (248): many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that http://tfl.nu/nmou

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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(508): I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo. http://tfl.nu/92km

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(908): How wet are you? (1-908): Ever heard of a U-boat? http://tfl.nu/c25g

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h

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(914): View more from New York

he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

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(914): he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3 http://tfl.nu/cutl

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(310): please tell me if i'm home and in my bed (1-310): negative (310): come find me please http://tfl.nu/3ca4

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

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(401): We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night. http://tfl.nu/piwb

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(631): View more from New York

Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?

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(631): Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach? http://tfl.nu/iba6

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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(419): I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids http://tfl.nu/0arl

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(440): We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate. http://tfl.nu/v1r2

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(916): View more from California

Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

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(916): Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice http://tfl.nu/ob9j

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(917): View more from New York City

i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?

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(917): i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far? http://tfl.nu/ph4e

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(407): You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld http://tfl.nu/gdg6

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

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(204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun" http://tfl.nu/u1ro

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

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(630): I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos! (317): Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto? (630): Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos http://tfl.nu/vb21

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt

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(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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(559): i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers... (559): ...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win! http://tfl.nu/147d

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying

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(603): Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying http://tfl.nu/e8oi

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(719): new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge http://tfl.nu/dui0

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(502): i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'. http://tfl.nu/b21s

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..." http://tfl.nu/5h2o

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(573): View more from Missouri

she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

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(573): she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight http://tfl.nu/znt4

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(708): View more from Illinois

Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.

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(708): Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me. http://tfl.nu/gxz0

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(281): Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location. http://tfl.nu/j750

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(216): let's bang (773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no. http://tfl.nu/cr4i

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(407): View more from Florida

in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.

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(407): in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead. http://tfl.nu/kxwf

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(701): Want any specific kind of beer? (623): Yeah. Alcohol flavor. (701): Got it. Anything but Miller. http://tfl.nu/wg65

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(862): View more from New Jersey

:( I miss blowjobs.

(973): View more from New Jersey

This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.

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(862): :( I miss blowjobs. (973): This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had. http://tfl.nu/jn5t

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(623): just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!" http://tfl.nu/ezhs

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.

(310): View more from California

So you didn't like Bolt?

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(404): Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later. (310): So you didn't like Bolt? http://tfl.nu/dqy6

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(443): The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of. http://tfl.nu/c44a

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(323): View more from California

How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?

(213): View more from California

It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.

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(323): How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings? (213): It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films. http://tfl.nu/x383

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(313): View more from Michigan

Kiss

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Puke

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(313): Kiss (1-313): Puke http://tfl.nu/qokk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape

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(603): my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape http://tfl.nu/orsz

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(626): Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened? (308): Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/5y08

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(606): i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer. http://tfl.nu/0wtr

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(732): hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again http://tfl.nu/ne0q

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs

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(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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(516): i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed". http://tfl.nu/0nax

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(416): I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny. (905): Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night. http://tfl.nu/j8pa

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

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(617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker http://tfl.nu/yzaq

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(989): I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful. http://tfl.nu/07fw

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(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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(716): Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes. http://tfl.nu/xo7e

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(323): it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway http://tfl.nu/ikbt

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(704): i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like! http://tfl.nu/0t7g

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(678): View more from Georgia

Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.

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(678): Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi. http://tfl.nu/4g6k

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8

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(972): View more from Texas

85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.

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(972): 85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing. http://tfl.nu/910d

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(405): he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love. http://tfl.nu/r7jm

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(716): I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas. http://tfl.nu/cqgv

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(202): on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing. http://tfl.nu/q9c2

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes. http://tfl.nu/egav

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(573): i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella http://tfl.nu/sjyh

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better http://tfl.nu/pitl

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(310): I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it http://tfl.nu/jugc

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(260): A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him http://tfl.nu/k8ud

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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(617): Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero. http://tfl.nu/4xtx

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(917): I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay http://tfl.nu/145k

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(253): waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me http://tfl.nu/vccm

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(609): i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems http://tfl.nu/8tgm

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(517): woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner. http://tfl.nu/lvfr

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(615): Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs. http://tfl.nu/w8zn

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(781): i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed. http://tfl.nu/tv17

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog

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(585): View more from New York

If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays

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(585): If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays http://tfl.nu/yd37

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?

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(704): Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls? http://tfl.nu/h3go

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(281): I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged. http://tfl.nu/p1l3

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(409): View more from Texas

He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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(409): He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this' http://tfl.nu/libu

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell http://tfl.nu/jfse

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(203): View more from Connecticut

as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's gonna be a great weekend

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(203): as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot (1-203): it's gonna be a great weekend http://tfl.nu/mkok

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(412): Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid! http://tfl.nu/xi6r

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n

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(571): View more from Virginia

every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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(571): every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman http://tfl.nu/7ssg

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(302): then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/fci7

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(602): Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest. http://tfl.nu/apc8

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(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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(616): my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave. (1-616): does that include her cleaning your bowl? http://tfl.nu/8sts

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(518): I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday. http://tfl.nu/tx0i

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(812): View more from Indiana

Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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(812): Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms.... http://tfl.nu/4wax

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(732): my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me http://tfl.nu/ef5u

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(425): View more from Washington

He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

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(425): He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me. http://tfl.nu/6hfm

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(540): View more from Virginia

I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

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(540): I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/5p64

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(404): just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING http://tfl.nu/vg2h

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(618): It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days. http://tfl.nu/kqbj

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him http://tfl.nu/gsvg

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(860): How drunk are you?? (732): I'm flawless. http://tfl.nu/mygo

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(315): My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best. http://tfl.nu/ofn0

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.

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(615): Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree. http://tfl.nu/pq0u

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(618): View more from Illinois

its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches

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(618): its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches http://tfl.nu/86sw

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(757): im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever? (804): who says it cant be both... http://tfl.nu/wstu

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(630): his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass http://tfl.nu/ujep

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(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

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(404): I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period http://tfl.nu/z8bc

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(812): View more from Indiana

So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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(812): So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions http://tfl.nu/7b2z

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(808): View more from Hawaii

It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.

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(808): It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex. http://tfl.nu/n6q7

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no

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(770): View more from Georgia

You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!

(706): View more from Georgia

Oh yeah.

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(770): You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend! (706): Oh yeah. http://tfl.nu/uvwd

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(858): So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism? http://tfl.nu/tlrk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(908): there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time (732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution. http://tfl.nu/6mq6

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(407): What's he like? (954): The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess. http://tfl.nu/zcji

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(847): Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant. http://tfl.nu/q6o4

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(516): if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine http://tfl.nu/b6e8

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(360): did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends. (425): some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate. http://tfl.nu/ohwc

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever. http://tfl.nu/xm2c

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(212): View more from New York

mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

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(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you. http://tfl.nu/gr31

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(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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(716): just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars. http://tfl.nu/fh2v

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys. http://tfl.nu/wntn

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(609): is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive. http://tfl.nu/yffe

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(281): So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls? http://tfl.nu/vzcb

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(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

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(208): you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack http://tfl.nu/46lg

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(815): I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire. http://tfl.nu/5e7s

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(267): When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. http://tfl.nu/7g2d

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(269): View more from Michigan

We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds

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(269): We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds http://tfl.nu/v47x

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(651): you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now http://tfl.nu/tgtb

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(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

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(907): Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior? (773): Responsible fail? http://tfl.nu/nxhx

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(847): you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé http://tfl.nu/voe0

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(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

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(317): im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like. http://tfl.nu/djvv

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj

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(314): View more from Missouri

What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house

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(314): What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house http://tfl.nu/pjzi

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(260): I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/s74r

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(785): i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love. http://tfl.nu/j8m9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(360): He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one. http://tfl.nu/lrzn

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(404): They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces. (618): Disappointment? http://tfl.nu/lu72

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(315): we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks. http://tfl.nu/7ex7

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.

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(336): I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable. http://tfl.nu/7b9p

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(817): No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever. http://tfl.nu/v4fg

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls

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(830): View more from Texas

Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.

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(830): Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk. http://tfl.nu/y7vc

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei

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(214): View more from Texas

Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.

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(214): Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me. http://tfl.nu/heot

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(201): Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is. http://tfl.nu/gvpy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(201): He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me. http://tfl.nu/n6mr

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(662): I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is http://tfl.nu/ce5u

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(832): it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina http://tfl.nu/a6qo

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(310): I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid. http://tfl.nu/amso

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35

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(678): View more from Georgia

just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

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(678): just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game. http://tfl.nu/2q8s

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g

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(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

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(773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid http://tfl.nu/uala

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(641): I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test. (319): Good thing spelling doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/8f4i

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(949): i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit http://tfl.nu/gr8g

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(913): You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. http://tfl.nu/50jg

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew

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(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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(239): My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God. http://tfl.nu/tpwi

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(479): View more from Arkansas

just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

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(479): just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation. http://tfl.nu/5hwm

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(208): View more from Idaho

Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.

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(208): Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation. http://tfl.nu/cfqm

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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(248): i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding. http://tfl.nu/2d2l

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(651): they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight. http://tfl.nu/8039

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(404): Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while. http://tfl.nu/n1x9

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(336): We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her http://tfl.nu/niqc

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(270): she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah. http://tfl.nu/1uyt

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(434): Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore. http://tfl.nu/10x7

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(786): hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night. http://tfl.nu/2z1d

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(817): I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck. http://tfl.nu/i3zz

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(970): my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned http://tfl.nu/3gli

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(360): It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick http://tfl.nu/navf

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(304): Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life. http://tfl.nu/t3n8

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(317): cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome http://tfl.nu/yrg8

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(720): Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers http://tfl.nu/jgqx

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(440): omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave. http://tfl.nu/dpnt

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it. (1-702): Yeah, but four times? http://tfl.nu/x8r7

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(860): letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs http://tfl.nu/yswk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(443): I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval. http://tfl.nu/2acf

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(480): Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars. http://tfl.nu/f73b

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(480): Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath. http://tfl.nu/qi8i

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians. http://tfl.nu/73dw

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(512): just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification. http://tfl.nu/d300

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(912): He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/csjq

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(803): Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops. http://tfl.nu/javd

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing. http://tfl.nu/w8ww

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(210): they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird http://tfl.nu/vuhd

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(210): i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue http://tfl.nu/p7ux

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(763): My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries. http://tfl.nu/9ep5

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(267): i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough. http://tfl.nu/ija6

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(403): we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now. http://tfl.nu/goi4

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(321): Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking http://tfl.nu/fefy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(405): Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/6x5x

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(908): I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11. http://tfl.nu/hmrj

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(708): This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight. http://tfl.nu/ioqv

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(604): I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard. http://tfl.nu/0z3w

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(269): He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better. http://tfl.nu/o020

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(207): so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out. http://tfl.nu/wz4e

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(608): She tied me up with her honor cords... http://tfl.nu/y0v2

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch? http://tfl.nu/7fe5

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(407): When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much. http://tfl.nu/q4wr

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(704): he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen. http://tfl.nu/oi0t

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(318): This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out. http://tfl.nu/skdx

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(916): i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget http://tfl.nu/82uy

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(513): Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize. (1-513): Not having phil's child is good enough. http://tfl.nu/zrt3

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(704): My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to http://tfl.nu/cyq1

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(208): My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done. http://tfl.nu/2aew

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(253): The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued. http://tfl.nu/lx8b

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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(224): Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze http://tfl.nu/j7ix

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(403): so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them. http://tfl.nu/j4fw

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room http://tfl.nu/ooda

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

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(306): Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight. http://tfl.nu/dfco

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(847): Whoa, Gary Coleman died (224): Whatchu talkin bout?!?! (847): Too soon. http://tfl.nu/36gw

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(267): we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself. (215): did he notice? (267): of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up.. http://tfl.nu/7kng

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(816): Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful http://tfl.nu/oafq

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(+32): guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for http://tfl.nu/2pon

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(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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(660): Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test? http://tfl.nu/cwr3

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(845): I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ. http://tfl.nu/s7ef

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(210): Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer http://tfl.nu/6bxa

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(270): they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out.. http://tfl.nu/o5dk

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(757): i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone. http://tfl.nu/mzb6

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(775): Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again? http://tfl.nu/oao4

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(780): I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her http://tfl.nu/1b2q

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(559): he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me. http://tfl.nu/5jau

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(405): I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step. http://tfl.nu/yq43

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz

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(808): View more from Hawaii

for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing

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(808): for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing http://tfl.nu/0vur

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(360): Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me? http://tfl.nu/3uhh

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(207): You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee. http://tfl.nu/mtea

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(409): Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing. http://tfl.nu/yp46

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(541): I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with http://tfl.nu/nhts

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(949): Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that. http://tfl.nu/bq5s

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(915): when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up http://tfl.nu/inqg

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(617): We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well. http://tfl.nu/7kjf

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(703): So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win http://tfl.nu/8bud

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(214): Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand. http://tfl.nu/s680

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(267): Why do fat girls all have such cute faces? (484): God wants them to get laid too. http://tfl.nu/23cz

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(828): the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife http://tfl.nu/ib00

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(413): My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace http://tfl.nu/tutd

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(613): I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after http://tfl.nu/kbgy

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(646): There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil. (1-646): Your pregnant arnt you http://tfl.nu/t59m

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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(516): Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand. http://tfl.nu/xjsp

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(256): View more from Alabama

I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.

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(256): I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/il3b

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(513): Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home http://tfl.nu/jyep

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest (248): If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does http://tfl.nu/2sf6

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(304): There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time. http://tfl.nu/tmab

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(304): But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game http://tfl.nu/osln

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(647): Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night http://tfl.nu/qsqx

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(847): No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv. http://tfl.nu/ej96

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(973): grab my backpack.....its in the fridge http://tfl.nu/prjt

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(715): and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing http://tfl.nu/e1xa

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(970): I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big (720): Welcome to my life http://tfl.nu/0f9d

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

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(307): you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood http://tfl.nu/ts9e

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(513): you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/7jk8

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(740): id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag. http://tfl.nu/yqo6

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(336): I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser http://tfl.nu/rv8v

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/eill

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(206): i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual. http://tfl.nu/myfw

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast

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(306): coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast http://tfl.nu/g654

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(773): I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best (1-773): that's your solution for everything http://tfl.nu/v8le

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(707): View more from California

i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting

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(707): i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting http://tfl.nu/gfmw

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(315): making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke http://tfl.nu/o15u

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(417): you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up http://tfl.nu/tq8k

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(905): He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later. http://tfl.nu/c4t5

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(616): this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line. http://tfl.nu/kz2e

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(901): He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him. http://tfl.nu/u51w

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(604): dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too" http://tfl.nu/x15y

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(832): Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on. http://tfl.nu/m36i

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(336): I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality http://tfl.nu/g1bs

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(719): Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas? http://tfl.nu/io06

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(714): i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick http://tfl.nu/4tuf

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(605): i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here." http://tfl.nu/dk13

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(469): I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed. http://tfl.nu/fhfj

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(516): Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me... http://tfl.nu/nenj

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(704): I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window http://tfl.nu/ly7e

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(302): dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit http://tfl.nu/61qr

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(443): dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though. http://tfl.nu/36m5

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(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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(503): He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning http://tfl.nu/4hjz

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(616): our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time. http://tfl.nu/fvgl

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(609): There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled http://tfl.nu/cbhx

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(818): Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful. http://tfl.nu/9blw

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(231): Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/plkd

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(614): I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help. http://tfl.nu/rixg

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(610): I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode http://tfl.nu/uv7a

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(412): remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories. http://tfl.nu/emk4

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(248): We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight. (440): I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over. (248): Playoffs. This shit is serious. http://tfl.nu/txqi

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(413): i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list. http://tfl.nu/l7yl

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(757): I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well http://tfl.nu/14t6

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(410): we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier http://tfl.nu/xjeu

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(574): Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better. http://tfl.nu/c7ty

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(804): Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush. http://tfl.nu/5pf3

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(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

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(303): No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it. http://tfl.nu/eofg

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(631): this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed http://tfl.nu/rgow

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(425): i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?" (206): do it. it's every man's dream. http://tfl.nu/a31t

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(807): I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order. http://tfl.nu/8dgh

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(925): Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit. http://tfl.nu/rw2b

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(303): We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen. http://tfl.nu/slj5

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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(732): she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back http://tfl.nu/8662

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(561): Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree http://tfl.nu/oe6w

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(860): And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that http://tfl.nu/ubil

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(630): I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea. http://tfl.nu/9kka

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(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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(872): mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning http://tfl.nu/e3e8

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(816): is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex http://tfl.nu/zw16

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(941): My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways. http://tfl.nu/nnm9

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(330): theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that. http://tfl.nu/wccj

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(303): I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder. http://tfl.nu/f12p

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(662): View more from Mississippi

My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

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(662): My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room. http://tfl.nu/yex2

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(330): just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this. http://tfl.nu/6gzz

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(410): I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/uvgg

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(330): Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around. http://tfl.nu/7cdc

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(314): Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one. http://tfl.nu/fj7c

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

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(864): A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier! http://tfl.nu/9qgj

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(760): Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match? http://tfl.nu/fgta

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(850): Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave http://tfl.nu/oh8m

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(413): I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick. http://tfl.nu/84fo

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(856): Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper http://tfl.nu/7rbt

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(860): i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie http://tfl.nu/y2j0

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(318): I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry. http://tfl.nu/98cc

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(516): We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story. http://tfl.nu/mad1

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(830): I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter http://tfl.nu/xpn7

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(310): You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor... http://tfl.nu/dk61

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(954): thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much. http://tfl.nu/ll22

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(614): halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday' http://tfl.nu/p489

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(631): View more from New York

Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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(631): Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas... http://tfl.nu/m2r4

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(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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(423): If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom http://tfl.nu/66s8

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(904): View more from Florida

we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways

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(904): we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways http://tfl.nu/vdwk

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(604): I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked... http://tfl.nu/ab3l

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(571): View more from Virginia

found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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(571): found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/h3cm

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(516): sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it. http://tfl.nu/pgco

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(832): when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate. http://tfl.nu/63ss

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(603): Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me. http://tfl.nu/c00l

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(845): They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids. http://tfl.nu/mgv1

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(608): sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself. http://tfl.nu/6c7w

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.

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(410): Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back. http://tfl.nu/wlso

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(218): I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that. http://tfl.nu/isuw

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(603): Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places http://tfl.nu/sf6j

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(561): I can't believe he would be such an ass (1-561): Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything. http://tfl.nu/zk45

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(803): I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy http://tfl.nu/vzq5

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(612): I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm http://tfl.nu/twuk

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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(847): I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people. http://tfl.nu/av1w

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(760): She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/eh4f

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(410): what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"? http://tfl.nu/vaok

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(732): That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on. http://tfl.nu/n5bj

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(727): I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut. http://tfl.nu/wfck

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(961): I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit http://tfl.nu/r0do

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(210): happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal. http://tfl.nu/4nij

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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(630): don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here http://tfl.nu/cm6x

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(313): I did the walk of shame to church this morning. (734): hooker boots and all? (313): Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway. http://tfl.nu/9ht9

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(484): I am the drunkest girl in the tree. http://tfl.nu/zje1

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(832): I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style. http://tfl.nu/zqa3

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(970): I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it. http://tfl.nu/8hng

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(803): you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila. http://tfl.nu/o38m

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(631): This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her. http://tfl.nu/wxz7

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(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

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(716): You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am... http://tfl.nu/rcas

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(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

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(520): I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock. http://tfl.nu/8w5i

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(850): Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here http://tfl.nu/hhg1

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(313): Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ. http://tfl.nu/xfic

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(512): someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP http://tfl.nu/kebb

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(661): I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is. http://tfl.nu/de6o

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(973): he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade. http://tfl.nu/270g

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7

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(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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(613): There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room. http://tfl.nu/y7ti

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(409): white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character http://tfl.nu/8uci

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(970): Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese. http://tfl.nu/mdbn

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me. http://tfl.nu/o08k

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(337): but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp? http://tfl.nu/p1my

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(559): View more from California

my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding

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(559): my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding http://tfl.nu/co4h

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(607): View more from New York

people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.

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(607): people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome. http://tfl.nu/mqe3

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(310): kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley. (1-310): damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now. http://tfl.nu/1545

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(505): He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis. http://tfl.nu/qfyr

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(314): View more from Missouri

he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.

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(314): he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it. http://tfl.nu/pdii

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(913): I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better. http://tfl.nu/gf52

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(618): he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/b942

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(407): She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead http://tfl.nu/h0ei

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(646): Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too. http://tfl.nu/dkri

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(847): 2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck. http://tfl.nu/qowh

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(517): There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated http://tfl.nu/7pju

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(610): The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices. http://tfl.nu/tdjd

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(440): Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks http://tfl.nu/nonu

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(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

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(601): A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first. http://tfl.nu/xh2t

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(208): My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him. http://tfl.nu/oqtn

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(504): I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna. http://tfl.nu/vetf

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(540): I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here. http://tfl.nu/rnyh

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl

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(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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(630): Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind" http://tfl.nu/dke2

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(845): View more from New York

i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

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(845): i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room http://tfl.nu/beeq

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(309): it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with... http://tfl.nu/q2va

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(573): My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly. http://tfl.nu/go2x

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(814): i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45 (773): Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy http://tfl.nu/wt4o

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144

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(702): View more from Nevada

you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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(702): you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/rajr

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(812): View more from Indiana

she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

thatta girl

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(812): she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga. (1-812): thatta girl http://tfl.nu/kona

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(907): is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk? http://tfl.nu/2ehj

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(847): hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score?? http://tfl.nu/pp8r

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(414): I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay. http://tfl.nu/pwts

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(916): View more from California

I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex

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(916): I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex http://tfl.nu/qjjk

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(586): View more from Michigan

i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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(586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(306): This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded http://tfl.nu/nfzj

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

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(904): i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps http://tfl.nu/x84f

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(614): Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge" http://tfl.nu/439j

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(727): It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics. http://tfl.nu/z8vb

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(201): Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself. http://tfl.nu/3rwg

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.

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(615): I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women. http://tfl.nu/xpcj

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(817): They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts. http://tfl.nu/tuhd

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(636): you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me. http://tfl.nu/k5hc

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(269): when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way. http://tfl.nu/230k

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(217): i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick http://tfl.nu/rn55

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(847): I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking. http://tfl.nu/ou65

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(479): He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing. http://tfl.nu/ga3r

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(408): worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum http://tfl.nu/fisn

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(314): He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life. http://tfl.nu/k4q7

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(727): just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wsrg

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(847): Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport? (1-847): It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok. http://tfl.nu/wou3

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(864): For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before. http://tfl.nu/hdcs

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(978): I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good http://tfl.nu/mzsl

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

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(856): I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign http://tfl.nu/u6cw

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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(902): I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired http://tfl.nu/suui

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(650): This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case" http://tfl.nu/fgo6

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(512): its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video http://tfl.nu/p3je

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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(901): How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games? http://tfl.nu/94zu

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(718): all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over http://tfl.nu/ocfj

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(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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(614): i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious. http://tfl.nu/avof

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(949): We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations http://tfl.nu/lsw6

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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(478): She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks http://tfl.nu/vee8

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(248): Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace. http://tfl.nu/fcle

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M http://tfl.nu/v1d0

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(616): I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her. http://tfl.nu/z7hr

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(612): new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself... http://tfl.nu/71kr

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.

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(405): Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime. http://tfl.nu/065d

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(301): seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything... (443): that's spring break in florida for ya http://tfl.nu/f4zu

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(702): I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights. http://tfl.nu/kdxh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(203): She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone http://tfl.nu/bzdp

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(602): Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue. http://tfl.nu/w4nd

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(843): Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking http://tfl.nu/l9zh

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(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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(315): in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me." http://tfl.nu/9q0b

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible. http://tfl.nu/hzvs

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(541): You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore" http://tfl.nu/euok

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(416): he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun... http://tfl.nu/vbhp

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?

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(860): Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too? http://tfl.nu/bk9g

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(215): the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off http://tfl.nu/gmrh

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(916): View more from California

Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?

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(916): Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party? http://tfl.nu/ft10

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(519): So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok. http://tfl.nu/j1n1

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(509): I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man. http://tfl.nu/1swk

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(407): View more from Florida

I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.

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(407): I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule. http://tfl.nu/aidv

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(760): For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad". http://tfl.nu/gpn1

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(914): View more from New York

just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix

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(914): just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix http://tfl.nu/hrwb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(203): I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious. http://tfl.nu/9dex

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(817): View more from Texas

She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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(817): She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up. http://tfl.nu/2rkk

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv

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(701): View more from North Dakota

you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?

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(701): you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends? http://tfl.nu/lhmx

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

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(502): I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen.... (508): Happy St. Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/t6ex

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

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(870): It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you? http://tfl.nu/rq03

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(508): dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day http://tfl.nu/82u7

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(810): I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again http://tfl.nu/a301

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back. http://tfl.nu/ko52

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(612): three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left. http://tfl.nu/3pzj

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(804): View more from Virginia

Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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(804): Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days? http://tfl.nu/vlwi

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(352): View more from Florida

I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.

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(352): I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green. http://tfl.nu/8k05

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(407): the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day? http://tfl.nu/2o1l

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(952): So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome http://tfl.nu/t5m3

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

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(360): Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day http://tfl.nu/ig75

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(614): True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit. http://tfl.nu/ajyk

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(248): i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots. http://tfl.nu/9g8z

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(614): Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar. http://tfl.nu/j0wd

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(732): There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish. http://tfl.nu/b1hn

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(+44): At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever. http://tfl.nu/bxy4

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(717): dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long http://tfl.nu/r5ag

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(315): I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/6xcw

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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(479): This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy. http://tfl.nu/jw79

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(501): i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is. http://tfl.nu/pdzt

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(716): View more from New York

i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.

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(716): i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating. http://tfl.nu/fu9a

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(706): That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night. http://tfl.nu/8vqf

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(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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(313): so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT. http://tfl.nu/lt7f

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(425): Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away. http://tfl.nu/ldh5

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(407): Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing. http://tfl.nu/4f2e

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(905): They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?" (905): And sadly I did. http://tfl.nu/9e0f

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(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

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(757): everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date. http://tfl.nu/pynx

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(256): I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck. http://tfl.nu/xyly

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(425): I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results... http://tfl.nu/tn0b

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(412): Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record. http://tfl.nu/e6sm

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys. http://tfl.nu/6qzw

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

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(781): I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step http://tfl.nu/hwjf

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(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

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(503): I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight. http://tfl.nu/6osy

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(262): My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here... http://tfl.nu/iwch

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(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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(503): i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean. http://tfl.nu/trho

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(734): View more from Michigan

the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

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(734): the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. http://tfl.nu/aea7

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(305): false alarm. still invincible. http://tfl.nu/rmc6

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(269): View more from Michigan

After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.

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(269): After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever. http://tfl.nu/nvrl

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(702): View more from Nevada

He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.

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(702): He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out. http://tfl.nu/lsxk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold

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(908): Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold http://tfl.nu/axfw

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(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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(251): i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once http://tfl.nu/k6sm

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.

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(843): I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over. http://tfl.nu/mbe0

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we need is a web designer

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

and a bunch of prostitutes

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(973): all we need is a web designer (1-973): and a bunch of prostitutes http://tfl.nu/pfgf

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i feel rough

(617): View more from Massachusetts

just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

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(617): i feel rough (617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/6foz

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(906): I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon. http://tfl.nu/l4la

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(914): View more from New York

We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.

(1-914): View more from New York

Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award

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(914): We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream. (1-914): Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award http://tfl.nu/nl5u

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(614): View more from Ohio

just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.

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(614): just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society. http://tfl.nu/uah3

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(203): View more from Connecticut

thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.

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(203): thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number. http://tfl.nu/71o2

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.

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(403): you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion. http://tfl.nu/ldji

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(503): We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep? (509): Places. (503): Plural? Please tell. http://tfl.nu/23q8

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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(605): I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota. http://tfl.nu/u34o

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Say something about gay babies.

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(605): Say something about gay babies. http://tfl.nu/ehqd

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(605): Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?! http://tfl.nu/u19h

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw

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(360): View more from Washington

"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.

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(360): "I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words. http://tfl.nu/5sbe

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(360): i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now. http://tfl.nu/qgk0

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man (206): ? (360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH! http://tfl.nu/k0fi

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(360): View more from Washington

we are all sexual creatures

(951): View more from California

yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.

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(360): we are all sexual creatures (951): yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any. http://tfl.nu/bk7c

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(360): View more from Washington

So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

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(360): So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor. http://tfl.nu/jcpz

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch. (360): I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina. http://tfl.nu/x3ve

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(360): View more from Washington

The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...

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(360): The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy... http://tfl.nu/q7uq

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(360): Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!! http://tfl.nu/gtc6

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(360): We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it. (1-360): I absolutely love you. http://tfl.nu/vd5p

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(360): You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there. http://tfl.nu/r1ke

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(360): nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked http://tfl.nu/nh0r

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(360): View more from Washington

afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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(360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt

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(360): View more from Washington

whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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(360): whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind. http://tfl.nu/pllx

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(360): While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever. http://tfl.nu/mdyd

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(216): View more from Ohio

The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.

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(216): The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again. http://tfl.nu/9v1i

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(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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(517): My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance. http://tfl.nu/kmco

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6

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(925): View more from California

I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.

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(925): I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it. http://tfl.nu/g85u

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(480): I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy? (408): oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no http://tfl.nu/w6ll

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(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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(512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(336): i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance http://tfl.nu/wpko

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(919): i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ilti

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(308): whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on. http://tfl.nu/zd9d

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(614): I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon. http://tfl.nu/njuz

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(309): Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete http://tfl.nu/n4gc

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

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(727): Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose? http://tfl.nu/qulw

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(604): My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't. http://tfl.nu/nrau

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(312): I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/iaie

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(337): Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop" http://tfl.nu/felz

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

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(308): i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me. http://tfl.nu/ln0p

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(810): My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches. (1-810): either way. win, win. http://tfl.nu/dnjj

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(519): oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo. (1-519): like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family. http://tfl.nu/xf88

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(214): View more from Texas

she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?

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(214): she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her? http://tfl.nu/okee

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(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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(646): The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song. http://tfl.nu/nwvh

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(540): View more from Virginia

the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.

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(540): the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years. http://tfl.nu/vthp

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(404): View more from Georgia

It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

No one shows this much boob at breakfast

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(404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast. (1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast http://tfl.nu/tvt6

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(310): If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels. http://tfl.nu/zmdk

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(416): View more from Ontario

today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

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(416): today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added http://tfl.nu/jtyi

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(805): View more from California

i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover

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(805): i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover http://tfl.nu/9f4v

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(440): View more from Ohio

he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.

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(440): he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now. http://tfl.nu/ongm

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"

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(414): I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?" http://tfl.nu/89sw

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(585): View more from New York

Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.

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(585): Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did. http://tfl.nu/1e6o

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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(484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him http://tfl.nu/d2zc

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(248): Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks! http://tfl.nu/xdy8

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(317): eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped. http://tfl.nu/504u

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

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(608): Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her http://tfl.nu/en5u

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(905): View more from Toronto

I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

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(905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it http://tfl.nu/jng0

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.

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(920): Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later. http://tfl.nu/9vwo

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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(513): I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off. (1-513): trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis. http://tfl.nu/8skg

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18

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(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

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(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze http://tfl.nu/jmci

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(804): I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store http://tfl.nu/eac9

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(559): You realize it's finals week? (408): Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first. http://tfl.nu/rjos

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(613): oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt http://tfl.nu/x2m1

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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(306): I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters. http://tfl.nu/tngh

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(603): Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it http://tfl.nu/mjt1

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(425): He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party. http://tfl.nu/pnyn

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(814): I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up. http://tfl.nu/mktj

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(785): My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/kbij

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(502): bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story. http://tfl.nu/l5v1

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(813): So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell? http://tfl.nu/9wrt

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(512): watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos http://tfl.nu/z3bc

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(314): Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced. http://tfl.nu/yqud

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment http://tfl.nu/srdh

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(417): View more from Missouri

i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break

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(417): i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break http://tfl.nu/e0no

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(203): Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin? (1-203): I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight. http://tfl.nu/pi9j

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(646): How are you going to be there by 9am? (919): Relax I always go to these conferences hung over (646): You say that like it's a positive quality http://tfl.nu/xfjl

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers? http://tfl.nu/g3e9

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4

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(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

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(913): he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying. http://tfl.nu/sfs9

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(510): He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again. http://tfl.nu/1fxb

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(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again. http://tfl.nu/xl50

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(815): i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision. http://tfl.nu/h6vg

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that. http://tfl.nu/vsly

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

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(321): I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/k9f2

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(206): I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death http://tfl.nu/irfc

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420

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(610): We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420 http://tfl.nu/8lzk

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he breathalyzed me before we had sex.

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(781): he breathalyzed me before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/k1vd

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

worst lay ever....

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

as long as you cum, there is no bad sex

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement

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(403): worst lay ever.... (780): as long as you cum, there is no bad sex (403): ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement http://tfl.nu/cjn6

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk. http://tfl.nu/j1no

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(805): View more from California

he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.

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(805): he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet. http://tfl.nu/znz0

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dude, you're being a jerk.

(919): View more from North Carolina

sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney

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(704): dude, you're being a jerk. (919): sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney http://tfl.nu/o9rt

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(408): You drunk yet? (925): Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them. (408): Cant make any promises. http://tfl.nu/jm9i

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(256): 'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option http://tfl.nu/mpq0

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(215): yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer" http://tfl.nu/i0t9

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

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(765): I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot. http://tfl.nu/lv0c

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(404): what's for breakfast? (678): Advil and throwup http://tfl.nu/nzn0

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(484): What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips? (610): Which ones? http://tfl.nu/2pkr

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(415): View more from California

I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.

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(415): I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home. http://tfl.nu/qs9s

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(321): Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik? http://tfl.nu/lg9s

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.

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(610): The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem. http://tfl.nu/6hmf

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(516): I understand why you refuse to be sober now http://tfl.nu/j30b

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(360): Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down. http://tfl.nu/bwrh

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(918): The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter http://tfl.nu/j5l8

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248): View more from Michigan

i told you not to try chat roulette

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(248): it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world (1-248): i told you not to try chat roulette http://tfl.nu/80bv

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(440): Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place. http://tfl.nu/kait

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(508): right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy." http://tfl.nu/262w

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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(201): Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties. http://tfl.nu/ddyo

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(315): I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine. http://tfl.nu/wyxo

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(906): Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore http://tfl.nu/jxvu

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(914): i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls. http://tfl.nu/57re

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(561): i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks. http://tfl.nu/2sae

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(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

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(314): i don't want you to think of me as your TA http://tfl.nu/7pvf

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp

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(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

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(860): his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate. http://tfl.nu/ds0z

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(339): i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet http://tfl.nu/r3gc

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six

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(970): View more from Colorado

Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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(970): Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out. http://tfl.nu/rgfe

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(330): this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants? http://tfl.nu/rwj9

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(519): I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible. http://tfl.nu/zom5

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(303): Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners. http://tfl.nu/xe1g

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(503): if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up. http://tfl.nu/w9vg

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(281): he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to." http://tfl.nu/qnhd

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(937): He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face. http://tfl.nu/s86z

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q

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(323): View more from California

I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

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(323): I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes? http://tfl.nu/rey6

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(815): View more from Illinois

grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.

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(815): grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese. http://tfl.nu/k9i9

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful http://tfl.nu/3flc

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(415): the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication http://tfl.nu/40rd

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(970): View more from Colorado

Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad

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(970): Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad http://tfl.nu/i5ms

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(610): I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families (570): That statement alone makes me laugh so hard. http://tfl.nu/jdb3

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(985): He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it" http://tfl.nu/q1ud

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(724): You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there (412): You know how to spell recollection? http://tfl.nu/3vjh

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(319): By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection" http://tfl.nu/gcjm

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(925): Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress. http://tfl.nu/wf9p

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(303): View more from Colorado

I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze

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(303): I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze http://tfl.nu/sp88

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(612): Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong? http://tfl.nu/gz8r

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(732): I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them. http://tfl.nu/v4vg

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(303): True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back http://tfl.nu/1qlt

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e

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(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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(313): The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car http://tfl.nu/lq42

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(973): She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it. (201): Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella.... http://tfl.nu/9xtz

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(267): why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place? (215): she has a santa fetish (267): cute. http://tfl.nu/kuhz

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.

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(732): im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad. http://tfl.nu/jkuj

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top

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(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

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(309): In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st. (217): gotta love wednesdays http://tfl.nu/3grc

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card

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(267): Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card http://tfl.nu/6r0n

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9

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(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(217): he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit. http://tfl.nu/3nc6

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(413): Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame http://tfl.nu/uj51

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(412): my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed http://tfl.nu/3q3u

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(309): We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.' http://tfl.nu/2fkm

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(517): I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen. http://tfl.nu/y9v8

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(928): She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon. http://tfl.nu/cf99

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(602): my dad is going to jail this weekend (1-602): where are we going to get our weed from? http://tfl.nu/lw00

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(714): Who was that guy you went home with? (1-714): Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now. http://tfl.nu/q2tl

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

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(717): ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people http://tfl.nu/gtxu

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

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(503): I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't. http://tfl.nu/gt6v

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(614): If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold. http://tfl.nu/55cb

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing. http://tfl.nu/gzcy

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.

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(267): This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything. http://tfl.nu/flqr

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(682): why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube? http://tfl.nu/dci4

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...

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(717): and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived... http://tfl.nu/vut2

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(703): He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him. (1-703): Wasn't he an English major? http://tfl.nu/vbmk

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high. http://tfl.nu/emp7

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(530): Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed. http://tfl.nu/pk0q

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(440): View more from Ohio

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

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(440): But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex. http://tfl.nu/ebom

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(956): is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge? (210): no http://tfl.nu/pkgs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(406): Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack... (303): Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c? http://tfl.nu/og73

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign

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(630): I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign http://tfl.nu/tzlz

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

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(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead http://tfl.nu/oo5k

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(401): What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy. http://tfl.nu/6xxv

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(630): When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast. http://tfl.nu/nqf8

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(714): i perioded on his leg (714): on. his. leg. http://tfl.nu/sr0m

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(709): I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number http://tfl.nu/l21z

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(303): It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac. http://tfl.nu/tpbw

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq

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(516): View more from New York

i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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(516): i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok. http://tfl.nu/l3f8

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(757): We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on. http://tfl.nu/8n2e

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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(413): My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers. http://tfl.nu/7b3u

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(856): It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore. http://tfl.nu/4nio

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"

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(215): YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP" http://tfl.nu/srh9

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"

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(412): Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****" http://tfl.nu/w62j

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(847): Farmville is her only friend. http://tfl.nu/6s8i

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(301): I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids http://tfl.nu/xnc7

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(334): The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards. http://tfl.nu/c6zk

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(419): View more from Ohio

Bisexual people are plain selfish.

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(419): Bisexual people are plain selfish. http://tfl.nu/ksuw

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(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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(706): Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour. http://tfl.nu/wtdj

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(512): View more from Texas

After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes

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(512): After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes http://tfl.nu/v030

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep

(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah i got into a fight with my man last night

(860): View more from Connecticut

why can't men just shut up and put out?

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(860): he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep (860): yeah i got into a fight with my man last night (860): why can't men just shut up and put out? http://tfl.nu/05si

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away. (504): Who won? (225): All of them. http://tfl.nu/xlra

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu

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(863): View more from Florida

I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy

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(863): I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy http://tfl.nu/eb50

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi

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(512): View more from Texas

we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text

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(512): we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text http://tfl.nu/5zju

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he's my edward cullen

(770): View more from Georgia

I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

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(202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow. http://tfl.nu/ql06

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(847): View more from Illinois

garbage

(248): View more from Michigan

garbage dick

(847): View more from Illinois

rubbish cock

(248): View more from Michigan

you win

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(847) garbage (248) garbage dick (847) rubbish cock (248) you win http://tfl.nu/0jjx

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0

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(561): View more from Florida

I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog

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(561): I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog http://tfl.nu/8q9l

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on http://tfl.nu/539i

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere. http://tfl.nu/rhba

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(541): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/1se4

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(734): View more from Michigan

He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry

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(734): He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry http://tfl.nu/nl2p

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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(403): you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off. http://tfl.nu/h9sg

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(231): my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring (989): i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me http://tfl.nu/18pl

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(240): This kid is drunk. (410): I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted. http://tfl.nu/8aqa

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(949): View more from California

My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

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(949): My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout. http://tfl.nu/7ut3

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(702): did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant??? http://tfl.nu/mp1l

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(609): So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/c5bq

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(504): View more from Louisiana

once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.

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(504): once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead. http://tfl.nu/caf0

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(+61): I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy. http://tfl.nu/xos0

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(319): you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met (1-319): thanks it was an honor just to be nominated http://tfl.nu/yswc

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(303): i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk http://tfl.nu/s9es

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(717): Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag. (610): was it embarrassing when you had to say yes? http://tfl.nu/rz29

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(918): We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent http://tfl.nu/74gr

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(432): View more from Texas

From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

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(432): From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention http://tfl.nu/4fnt

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(331): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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(331): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open. http://tfl.nu/k0dm

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood http://tfl.nu/j2rr

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(615): View more from Tennessee

arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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(615): arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life http://tfl.nu/ewvo

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

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(507): I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today http://tfl.nu/y9fa

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''

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(704): How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty'' http://tfl.nu/27gn

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(773): I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend. (1-773): Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you. http://tfl.nu/z52z

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r

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(561): View more from Florida

new revelation: five guys for breakfast

(561): View more from Florida

new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation

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(561): new revelation: five guys for breakfast (561): new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation http://tfl.nu/4ic9

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY http://tfl.nu/9qwj

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(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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(480): so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic http://tfl.nu/3cem

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(845): View more from New York

just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

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(845): just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism http://tfl.nu/ktmw

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home http://tfl.nu/8whw

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(801): View more from Utah

let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.

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(801): let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room. http://tfl.nu/h78r

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(214): View more from Texas

bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

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(214): bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink. http://tfl.nu/4c2j

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(415): How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control? http://tfl.nu/y9i1

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(570): i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me http://tfl.nu/vizy

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.

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(314): I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window. http://tfl.nu/w8zt

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

he had to chose between the booze and condoms

(774): View more from Massachusetts

what did he choose?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?

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(857): he had to chose between the booze and condoms (774): what did he choose? (857): the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right? http://tfl.nu/iz27

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

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(910): So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon http://tfl.nu/hgw1

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(262): The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy. (651): That baby is bound to be under-loved. http://tfl.nu/j5h4

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(251): View more from Alabama

Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

(303): View more from Colorado

It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

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(251): Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance (303): It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime. http://tfl.nu/1z36

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.

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(405): I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave. http://tfl.nu/m2vh

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(847): View more from Illinois

Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test

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(847): Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test http://tfl.nu/tst5

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(847): View more from Illinois

cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on

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(847): cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on http://tfl.nu/ommd

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week. http://tfl.nu/rnvn

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(212): He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances," http://tfl.nu/u663

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(216): View more from Ohio

Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

(440): View more from Ohio

Probably.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'm in.

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(216): Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word? (440): Probably. (216): I'm in. http://tfl.nu/bl31

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(618): Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again http://tfl.nu/9mpp

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes

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(610): I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes http://tfl.nu/8prz

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad? (443): We using my standards or yours? http://tfl.nu/agac

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(732): Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest. http://tfl.nu/jp7b

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh

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(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

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(916): Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI? (760): You are my hero http://tfl.nu/9mtt

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(650): i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ss3s

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(478): View more from Georgia

I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day

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(478): I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day http://tfl.nu/i2uc

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(847): View more from Illinois

she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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(847): she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides http://tfl.nu/frdu

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(832): apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?! http://tfl.nu/kaoo

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(778): Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them. http://tfl.nu/fuhs

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

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(250): Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep? http://tfl.nu/pboz

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. http://tfl.nu/jn1k

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(519): Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil. http://tfl.nu/3ein

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(540): View more from Virginia

i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?

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(540): i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic? http://tfl.nu/pwuf

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.

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(612): Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys. http://tfl.nu/5hlm

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?

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(503): I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number? http://tfl.nu/ltxf

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(469): Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick http://tfl.nu/zqfp

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(214): View more from Texas

just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.

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(214): just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that. http://tfl.nu/pf1d

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(210): View more from Texas

Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks

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(210): Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks http://tfl.nu/5a6w

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

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(617): i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital http://tfl.nu/4e4x

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(636): It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks. (314): Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this. http://tfl.nu/u3mg

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(845): View more from New York

the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well

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(845): the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well http://tfl.nu/8bb3

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(609): View more from New Jersey

no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.

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(609): no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical. http://tfl.nu/1fef

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(706): I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables. http://tfl.nu/8ikv

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.

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(256): Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night. http://tfl.nu/gx6d

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won. http://tfl.nu/68w0

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(203): my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it (973): just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you http://tfl.nu/4uwz

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(905): View more from Toronto

Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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(905): Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it? http://tfl.nu/ugmv

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca

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(818): View more from California

Its about making memories worth repressing

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(818): Its about making memories worth repressing http://tfl.nu/5fiw

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom. (702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night?? http://tfl.nu/2ylu

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(937): View more from Ohio

just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window

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(937): just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window http://tfl.nu/npzo

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time

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(832): why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time http://tfl.nu/brrk

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(254): View more from Texas

you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room

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(254): you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room http://tfl.nu/st2q

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers. http://tfl.nu/k78j

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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(608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8

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(847): View more from Illinois

So did the night end well for you?

(248): View more from Michigan

I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text

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(847): So did the night end well for you? (248): I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text http://tfl.nu/n8vz

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons. (267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner. http://tfl.nu/vxtv

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(601): i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?" http://tfl.nu/96xf

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(513): View more from Ohio

Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.

(615): View more from Tennessee

That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right

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(513): Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner. (615): That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right http://tfl.nu/5ajr

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.

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(414): nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day. http://tfl.nu/vo27

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(913): I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her http://tfl.nu/1ar3

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(740): View more from Ohio

the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless

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(740): the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless http://tfl.nu/zvzp

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(403): I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room http://tfl.nu/da0x

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

my soul wont recognize me after tonight

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(857): my soul wont recognize me after tonight http://tfl.nu/7s35

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(281): View more from Texas

Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.

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(281): Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high. http://tfl.nu/02yt

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(916): View more from California

How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.

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(916): How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology. http://tfl.nu/cnij

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(206): Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number. (360): You're getting good at this, you know that? http://tfl.nu/w185

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(217): View more from Illinois

we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

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(217): we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself. http://tfl.nu/xzvt

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.

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(816): I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life. http://tfl.nu/o7kz

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(646): View more from New York

I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.

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(646): I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11. http://tfl.nu/ga7m

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(515): View more from Iowa

took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru

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(515): took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru http://tfl.nu/806s

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(647): 47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over. (1-647): Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead? http://tfl.nu/n8gs

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.

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(510): Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009. http://tfl.nu/bpk8

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(224): View more from Illinois

Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.

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(224): Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night. http://tfl.nu/rq15

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(949): View more from California

im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume

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(949): im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume http://tfl.nu/ixw0

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(+64): No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker. http://tfl.nu/g6g3

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them

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(856): So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them http://tfl.nu/pyve

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(214): View more from Texas

Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.

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(214): Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public. http://tfl.nu/c7j6

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.

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(404): Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/i4q7

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(320): im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it... http://tfl.nu/g5dr

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(602): hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad http://tfl.nu/sh9o

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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(412): Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets. http://tfl.nu/agl3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back

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(732): really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back http://tfl.nu/dm4i

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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(617): it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before. http://tfl.nu/1u0r

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(917): View more from New York City

yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.

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(917): yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute. http://tfl.nu/qqzp

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(228): I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference! http://tfl.nu/5ptk

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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(506): porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off! http://tfl.nu/nmc3

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(410): View more from Maryland

best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend

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(410): best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend http://tfl.nu/u596

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(334): I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around. http://tfl.nu/tfd4

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. http://tfl.nu/y4qo

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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(401): i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much. http://tfl.nu/qwgv

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(248): View more from Michigan

Will you blow on my dice?

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(248): Will you blow on my dice? http://tfl.nu/qi0r

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su

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(641): View more from Iowa

literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs

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(641): literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs http://tfl.nu/fh11

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.

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(412): we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents. http://tfl.nu/8scw

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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(434): Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/ab13

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(310): View more from California

I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.

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(310): I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE. http://tfl.nu/dkfu

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz

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(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

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(631): meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins. (516): wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?! (631): aww shit wrong text. http://tfl.nu/e9a5

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me

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(607): I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me http://tfl.nu/xbef

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(206): View more from Washington

I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill

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(206): I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill http://tfl.nu/rtkb

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day (267): I know she was great http://tfl.nu/ms90

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(563): View more from Iowa

The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.

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(563): The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/35be

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(303): View more from Colorado

God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

(720): View more from Colorado

And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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(303): God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with. (720): And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids. http://tfl.nu/a779

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.

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(617): I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian. http://tfl.nu/jfuh

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(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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(810): I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages. http://tfl.nu/0oct

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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(814): all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot http://tfl.nu/2zr0

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"

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(334): Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?" http://tfl.nu/nosa

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(831): View more from California

Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?

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(831): Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21? http://tfl.nu/gpnq

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat (215): watch out for the queen of hearts (610): fuucck i forgot ab her http://tfl.nu/mo46

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(757): View more from Virginia

Come on the kid is gayer than me

(757): View more from Virginia

Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt

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(757): Come on the kid is gayer than me (757): Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt http://tfl.nu/ov34

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(817): View more from Texas

I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not

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(817): I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not http://tfl.nu/w4u2

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(734): View more from Michigan

You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.

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(734): You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia. http://tfl.nu/z7s6

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(480): YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST (602): I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise! http://tfl.nu/2ck7

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(469): Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think. http://tfl.nu/hmzv

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

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(215): i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it http://tfl.nu/rarj

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(615): Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline http://tfl.nu/p67r

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(702): Then she called me a home wrecking whore. (1-702): dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count. http://tfl.nu/bp07

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.

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(570): when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one. http://tfl.nu/52ae

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq

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(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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(310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(936): you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while" (1-936): I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day... http://tfl.nu/1f15

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(513): i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone http://tfl.nu/hza4

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(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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(314): who the fuck is that kid sitting with you... (1-314): I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out. http://tfl.nu/gjl6

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(732): she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious http://tfl.nu/xtk1

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(256): Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green. http://tfl.nu/6tsm

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(310): my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis. http://tfl.nu/isfk

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih

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(917): View more from New York City

Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.

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(917): Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/g66e

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(504): I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES. http://tfl.nu/2zjv

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book. http://tfl.nu/rwum

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(619): View more from California

I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case

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(619): I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case http://tfl.nu/xr3i

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(678): View more from Georgia

I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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(678): I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job. http://tfl.nu/y0of

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.

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(573): I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off. http://tfl.nu/hleo

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(512): View more from Texas

he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success. http://tfl.nu/9rt5

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(508): At least make sure they are 18 (401): Why http://tfl.nu/mji4

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

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(484): is drinking for groundhog day legit? (1-484): well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes http://tfl.nu/k04d

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.

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(502): You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes. http://tfl.nu/c0ti

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(703): View more from Virginia

We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.

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(703): We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college. http://tfl.nu/pxwn

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(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

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(209): i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you http://tfl.nu/qjob

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome http://tfl.nu/zb92

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.

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(862): I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word. http://tfl.nu/hy59

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(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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(407): I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk. http://tfl.nu/exk9

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(925): View more from California

Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?

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(925): Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay? http://tfl.nu/89t2

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(973): I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship. http://tfl.nu/z11g

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(919): I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot. (1-919): Please get laid. http://tfl.nu/xffk

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(239): When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up. http://tfl.nu/gf96

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(270): I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea? http://tfl.nu/h6xa

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(217): you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot http://tfl.nu/time

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(216): View more from Ohio

Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations

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(216): Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations http://tfl.nu/f8qq

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(412): its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him. http://tfl.nu/d3m1

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(651): Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying. (571): define virginity. http://tfl.nu/5by8

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(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

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(423): so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win. http://tfl.nu/dvpb

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(785): View more from Kansas

so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!

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(785): so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out! http://tfl.nu/n1rp

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(727): he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper. http://tfl.nu/jd33

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw

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(216): View more from Ohio

I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

(440): View more from Ohio

seek help.

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(216): I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out (440): seek help. http://tfl.nu/dyh0

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(314): What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion http://tfl.nu/5o7j

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(715): i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign. http://tfl.nu/r2le

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually

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(501): My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually http://tfl.nu/zmvh

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(818): hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win http://tfl.nu/nyog

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(812): I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads. http://tfl.nu/xmw8

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(412): I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death. http://tfl.nu/3s8a

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(805): We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened. http://tfl.nu/qapw

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(705): You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this". http://tfl.nu/puns

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(802): I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends. http://tfl.nu/oh1c

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(631): You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk. http://tfl.nu/huyr

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(970): Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month. http://tfl.nu/7dyi

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move http://tfl.nu/msae

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor

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(732): im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor http://tfl.nu/d5hx

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(817): I really wanna talk.. (1-817): if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down http://tfl.nu/qj3j

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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(617): Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate http://tfl.nu/lx6z

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(703): Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight http://tfl.nu/2em9

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds. (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice. (480): k i'll be over in 5. http://tfl.nu/rkxl

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(908): Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner. http://tfl.nu/otz7

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out (803): youve hit the jackpot http://tfl.nu/tr3l

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/lq8q

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(404): I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head. http://tfl.nu/lfdj

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice. http://tfl.nu/fg4t

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(613): you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved http://tfl.nu/t5ge

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(419): Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get" http://tfl.nu/yg96

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(931): just woke up in my neighbors garage. (931): scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage. http://tfl.nu/x40j

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(856): He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs? http://tfl.nu/ic15

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk (1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you http://tfl.nu/bgwq

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(201): i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby. http://tfl.nu/udcn

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(650): after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you http://tfl.nu/blf7

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket." (949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time. http://tfl.nu/jcur

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(702): I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know. http://tfl.nu/ro3k

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system

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(608): buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system http://tfl.nu/p1zb

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap

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(530): View more from California

both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.

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(530): both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed. http://tfl.nu/da2p

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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(502): I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart. http://tfl.nu/9vpe

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(806): A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal" (501): Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him... http://tfl.nu/wsps

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(503): I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you (541): I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6ejs

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(917): Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage? http://tfl.nu/cpvo

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(515): I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly? (1-515): Eco-friendly. http://tfl.nu/yssm

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