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he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My brain says no but my pants say off.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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