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Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My balls are so social today.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think I sprained my soul last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm at about main and main street
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just had sex bonerless
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
zippers are such a cool invention
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He kissed a someone with a penis
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I cannot find my penis.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
false alarm. still invincible.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Found your dick twin last night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Let's paint friendship bongs
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish you could order shots online.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it because I queefed?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
nutella sex= disaster
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your dad touched me again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you still have your period?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you inspire me to be a worse person
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
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