Texts From Last Night

ElTylos11's Favorites Texts:

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  (719): View more from Colorado

  The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.

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  (719): The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies. http://tfl.nu/1axa
  Replies (2) Good night (510) Bad night (94)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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  (314): I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed. http://tfl.nu/a0tv
  Replies (4) Good night (684) Bad night (58) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.

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  (303): as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking. http://tfl.nu/8b6a
  Replies (0) Good night (357) Bad night (79)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.

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  (502): If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it. http://tfl.nu/bxd5
  Replies (0) Good night (143) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short

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  (312): So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short http://tfl.nu/ro22
  Replies (3) Good night (483) Bad night (124) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?

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  (740): my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady? http://tfl.nu/kyxc
  Replies (6) Good night (670) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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  (561): am i new drunk or am i still drunk http://tfl.nu/zvnj
  Replies (3) Good night (540) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Does the room smell any better?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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  (606): Does the room smell any better? (859): Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless. http://tfl.nu/3ric
  Replies (12) Good night (831) Bad night (257)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I fill condoms, not promises.

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  (812): I fill condoms, not promises. http://tfl.nu/fzpc
  Replies (4) Good night (1141) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
  Replies (9) Good night (3348) Bad night (1390) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.

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  (303): You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out. http://tfl.nu/5jzq
  Replies (4) Good night (361) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

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  (780): I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face. http://tfl.nu/4tu2
  Replies (2) Good night (619) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

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  (571): Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter http://tfl.nu/fvpm
  Replies (2) Good night (670) Bad night (131) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!

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  (713): just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success! http://tfl.nu/u8oi
  Replies (4) Good night (1210) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"

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  (954): direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey" http://tfl.nu/8vb9
  Replies (2) Good night (650) Bad night (126) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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  (613): No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal. http://tfl.nu/2rsl
  Replies (6) Good night (1498) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
  Replies (9) Good night (3433) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed

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  (613): So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed http://tfl.nu/pqem
  Replies (2) Good night (639) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.

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  (318): He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free. http://tfl.nu/dxth
  Replies (0) Good night (682) Bad night (150)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.

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  (913): If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on. http://tfl.nu/4zva
  Replies (5) Good night (580) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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  (856): I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree. http://tfl.nu/ftwn
  Replies (4) Good night (280) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Just called the consul general of France "dude"

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  (310): Just called the consul general of France "dude" http://tfl.nu/uwot
  Replies (7) Good night (2116) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
  Replies (6) Good night (2158) Bad night (312)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all

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  (262): Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all http://tfl.nu/zpgp
  Replies (6) Good night (577) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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  (715): My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either http://tfl.nu/7c24
  Replies (7) Good night (2959) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.

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  (727): I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly. http://tfl.nu/hgem
  Replies (6) Good night (1268) Bad night (152)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
  Replies (7) Good night (2164) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

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  (740): No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you http://tfl.nu/56sg
  Replies (1) Good night (855) Bad night (140) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

  (212): View more from New York

  Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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  (908): My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night (212): Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate http://tfl.nu/bmji
  Replies (4) Good night (1059) Bad night (235)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.

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  (828): If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong. http://tfl.nu/ed76
  Replies (9) Good night (976) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  omg i wish you could see the front of my car.

  (909): View more from California

  There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.

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  (909): omg i wish you could see the front of my car. (909): There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood. http://tfl.nu/64tw
  Replies (7) Good night (796) Bad night (128)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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  (719): Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up. http://tfl.nu/uyof
  Replies (5) Good night (1261) Bad night (239)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

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  (425): My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/p8ct
  Replies (2) Good night (801) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.

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  (309): Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror. http://tfl.nu/0k0h
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.

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  (912): He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it. http://tfl.nu/1cfw
  Replies (3) Good night (772) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?

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  (650): Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation? http://tfl.nu/9kky
  Replies (5) Good night (815) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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  (317): That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal. http://tfl.nu/kp6j
  Replies (0) Good night (496) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  How was it playing wingman?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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  (847): How was it playing wingman? (312): I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed http://tfl.nu/t31c
  Replies (3) Good night (720) Bad night (313)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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  (802): as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment http://tfl.nu/bym2
  Replies (6) Good night (473) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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  (412): I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist http://tfl.nu/c6mv
  Replies (5) Good night (558) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

  (1-903): View more from Texas

  Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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  (903): Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night. (1-903): Dude I've been in FL since Monday. http://tfl.nu/crr9
  Replies (3) Good night (1949) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  7) Noodle arms: engage

  (269): View more from Michigan

  The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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  (269): 1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all. (269): 7) Noodle arms: engage (269): The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right. http://tfl.nu/5w2m
  Replies (8) Good night (1190) Bad night (167)
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  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

  (315): View more from New York

  Who is this?!????

  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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  (518): That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook. (315): Who is this?!???? (518): That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger. http://tfl.nu/487m
  Replies (7) Good night (2866) Bad night (254)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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  (901): Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/r0ud
  Replies (11) Good night (1417) Bad night (169)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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  (336): Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up? http://tfl.nu/j9qb
  Replies (4) Good night (605) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm so there

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  (602): The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast (480): I'm so there http://tfl.nu/rimu
  Replies (1) Good night (708) Bad night (141)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.

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  (316): Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try. http://tfl.nu/jxdr
  Replies (2) Good night (725) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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  (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once. http://tfl.nu/besu
  Replies (17) Good night (1690) Bad night (2870) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.

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  (605): I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk. http://tfl.nu/q1g3
  Replies (4) Good night (428) Bad night (196)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.

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  (218): My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick. http://tfl.nu/r953
  Replies (11) Good night (1482) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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  (313): I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others. http://tfl.nu/ph3w
  Replies (6) Good night (1690) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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  (714): I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off. http://tfl.nu/39nr
  Replies (9) Good night (2721) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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  (513): This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last. http://tfl.nu/vgx8
  Replies (8) Good night (3213) Bad night (668)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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  (406): He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine. http://tfl.nu/2wf3
  Replies (13) Good night (1224) Bad night (2978) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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  (918): He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things. http://tfl.nu/ox9y
  Replies (16) Good night (1106) Bad night (2813) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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  (859): Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less? http://tfl.nu/3zmk
  Replies (5) Good night (998) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

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  (316): I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry. http://tfl.nu/w045
  Replies (3) Good night (547) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.

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  (+61): The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals. http://tfl.nu/0gao
  Replies (0) Good night (550) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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  (310): Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch. http://tfl.nu/am85
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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  (919): I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend... http://tfl.nu/oued
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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  (678): After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box". http://tfl.nu/z4mv
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.

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  (515): I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/zet2
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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  (616): they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter http://tfl.nu/a4jz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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  (904): Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one. http://tfl.nu/jh8z
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.

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  (604): I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself. http://tfl.nu/ea90
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

  (740): View more from Ohio

  BECAUSE SCIENCE

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  (440): WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS (740): BECAUSE SCIENCE http://tfl.nu/5ndo
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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  (215): There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell http://tfl.nu/i2t1
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.

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  (775): Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno. http://tfl.nu/rdsm
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  (516): View more from New York

  Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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  (516): Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips. http://tfl.nu/dsdr
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.

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  (570): He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point. http://tfl.nu/lnts
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  "Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."

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  (920): "Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see." http://tfl.nu/5bgq
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town

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  (905): To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town http://tfl.nu/jicp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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  (616): i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!! (1-616): BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!! http://tfl.nu/gsty
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level

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  (508): New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level http://tfl.nu/zu28
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty

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  (609): i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty http://tfl.nu/sjep
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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  (573): I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were... http://tfl.nu/299s
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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  (910): phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever http://tfl.nu/0zmb
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

  (850): View more from Florida

  They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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  (850): I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok (850): They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good http://tfl.nu/qtm7
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Formal letter or email.

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  (647): How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks? (416): Formal letter or email. http://tfl.nu/qlv5
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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  (701): I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on http://tfl.nu/r00x
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  (496): View more from

  I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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  (496): I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically http://tfl.nu/83i3
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  we need a secret handshake

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  (616): time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night? (1-616): we need a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i0zy
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.

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  (304): I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years. http://tfl.nu/ac3y
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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  (206): I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it. http://tfl.nu/fi43
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  (408): View more from California

  Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.

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  (408): Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA. http://tfl.nu/jstd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens

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  (512): Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens http://tfl.nu/y87y
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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  (623): Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff. http://tfl.nu/snvk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.

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  (301): You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight. http://tfl.nu/hmqk
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

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  (610): I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom http://tfl.nu/d66w
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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  (+64): I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent http://tfl.nu/sl7e
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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  (775): He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/4swv
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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  (623): Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing. http://tfl.nu/8dgm
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  (214): View more from Texas

  True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

  (972): View more from Texas

  Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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  (214): True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like (972): Why do you text me weird shit like this? http://tfl.nu/hcc5
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.

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  (501): Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick. http://tfl.nu/s37k
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.

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  (812): Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes. http://tfl.nu/kd9i
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

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  (734): Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire http://tfl.nu/5fup
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Hydrate.

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  (703): I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding.... (202): Hydrate. http://tfl.nu/62ve
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on

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  (609): Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on http://tfl.nu/f543
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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  (330): This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs. http://tfl.nu/3hwl
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  (914): View more from New York

  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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  (914): THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED http://tfl.nu/eqdp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

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  (785): Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird? http://tfl.nu/9vh0
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I like the wholesome side of you

  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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  (503): I like the wholesome side of you (571): I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots. http://tfl.nu/22ah
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Can I get that on a shirt

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  (205): No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her. (1-205): Can I get that on a shirt http://tfl.nu/a8yc
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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  (216): I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating http://tfl.nu/1tih
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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  (519): People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style. http://tfl.nu/g3nw
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (914): View more from New York

  But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.

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  (914): But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level. http://tfl.nu/ncka
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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  (603): trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment. (603): naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS. http://tfl.nu/yhfs
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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  (618): Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with http://tfl.nu/wwss
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.

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  (407): At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long. http://tfl.nu/ssq5
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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  (520): Are we in any of the areas with tornados? (931): Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/dq1c
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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  (317): I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing. (1-317): As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you. http://tfl.nu/0owh
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.

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  (215): tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours. http://tfl.nu/k3ze
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

  (303): View more from Colorado

  God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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  (720): Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday... (303): God works in mysterious ways my friend. http://tfl.nu/qprf
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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  (780): Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/rb5a
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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  (386): I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount." http://tfl.nu/nxe2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

  (214): View more from Texas

  WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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  (214): Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea (214): WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO http://tfl.nu/eu05
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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  (216): I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex (216): Never mind I found pizza just bring sex http://tfl.nu/1kkn
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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  (901): He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian http://tfl.nu/6if3
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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  (330): STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big. http://tfl.nu/njru
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  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
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  (344): View more from

  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  They're waiting for you to die

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  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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  (281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv
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  (509): View more from Washington

  You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.

  (1-509): View more from Washington

  Yes talking about pockets is classic me.

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  (509): You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away. (1-509): Yes talking about pockets is classic me. http://tfl.nu/k75f
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.

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  (912): If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight. http://tfl.nu/iyrl
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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  (573): Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex. http://tfl.nu/smrh
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.

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  (801): He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class. http://tfl.nu/8fc4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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  (540): I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo http://tfl.nu/4u98
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

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  (801): You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good. http://tfl.nu/w4bo
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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  (503): Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you. http://tfl.nu/ee0n
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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  (570): She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/lhd6
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  (323): View more from California

  Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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  (323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud. http://tfl.nu/58eq
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  (518): View more from New York

  Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

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  (518): Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit. (1-518): Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger. http://tfl.nu/7ysx
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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  (860): Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried. http://tfl.nu/p6ag
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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  (207): I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron. http://tfl.nu/90fl
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She really is something else.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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  (281): She really is something else. (713): Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away. http://tfl.nu/3f56
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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  (336): I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain.. http://tfl.nu/5env
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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  (401): I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety http://tfl.nu/pik8
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
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  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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  (340): I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting.. http://tfl.nu/wypp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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  (978): I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened. http://tfl.nu/wamv
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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  (574): I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed. http://tfl.nu/w2ei
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