Texts From Last Night

CodeWitch's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing. http://tfl.nu/ut8a
  Replies (4) Good night (3143) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us http://tfl.nu/fe65
  Replies (16) Good night (3659) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
  Replies (36) Good night (5878) Bad night (1037)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart. http://tfl.nu/2rds
  Replies (22) Good night (4164) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
  Replies (15) Good night (8653) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son http://tfl.nu/qxal
  Replies (7) Good night (860) Bad night (2690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate. http://tfl.nu/wnmg
  Replies (11) Good night (861) Bad night (4872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4
  Replies (23) Good night (1300) Bad night (4148) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often http://tfl.nu/h6kk
  Replies (7) Good night (2950) Bad night (1315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber http://tfl.nu/88lc
  Replies (10) Good night (3569) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
  Replies (20) Good night (6393) Bad night (1027)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop. http://tfl.nu/xdpv
  Replies (19) Good night (5950) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Totally get that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend. (1-248): Totally get that. http://tfl.nu/ho2w
  Replies (13) Good night (6009) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
  Replies (12) Good night (6590) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/3cxs
  Replies (20) Good night (3169) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
  Replies (38) Good night (6123) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like. (303): well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you http://tfl.nu/sccs
  Replies (12) Good night (856) Bad night (4505)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
  Replies (20) Good night (7264) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment. http://tfl.nu/sxji
  Replies (13) Good night (5049) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories... http://tfl.nu/40wb
  Replies (13) Good night (3219) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
  Replies (70) Good night (7865) Bad night (1482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom. http://tfl.nu/ltjp
  Replies (43) Good night (1183) Bad night (9605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy. http://tfl.nu/3jyj
  Replies (22) Good night (1452) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Something like a penis light saber.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary. (313): Something like a penis light saber. http://tfl.nu/96lm
  Replies (12) Good night (2067) Bad night (470)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  hah, sarcasm, classic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning. (248): hah, sarcasm, classic http://tfl.nu/x41v
  Replies (10) Good night (2337) Bad night (785)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy. http://tfl.nu/rtg1
  Replies (41) Good night (1754) Bad night (8118) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
  Replies (121) Good night (3910) Bad night (62199) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom. (1-607): I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts. http://tfl.nu/s0vw
  Replies (15) Good night (2246) Bad night (1132) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
  Replies (275) Good night (4054) Bad night (68266)
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

  (989): View more from Michigan

  you're going for the gold here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage. (989): you're going for the gold here. http://tfl.nu/773u
  Replies (9) Good night (2584) Bad night (421)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request http://tfl.nu/jdk4
  Replies (18) Good night (3783) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
  Replies (47) Good night (4160) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!" http://tfl.nu/2zn1
  Replies (49) Good night (4444) Bad night (672)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

  (360): View more from Washington

  I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch. (360): I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina. http://tfl.nu/x3ve
  Replies (92) Good night (4573) Bad night (826)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning. http://tfl.nu/mwtc
  Replies (22) Good night (4317) Bad night (1311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs http://tfl.nu/fh11
  Replies (17) Good night (4429) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement http://tfl.nu/oky4
  Replies (12) Good night (4684) Bad night (1343) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  where are you?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  sonic

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): where are you? (1-404): sonic (404): Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs. http://tfl.nu/pjgu
  Replies (25) Good night (5066) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired. http://tfl.nu/1pq9
  Replies (29) Good night (5064) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from. http://tfl.nu/qa0c
  Replies (11) Good night (5352) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know she was great

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day (267): I know she was great http://tfl.nu/ms90
  Replies (26) Good night (6732) Bad night (1289)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d
  Replies (47) Good night (8608) Bad night (617)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

  (1-914): View more from New York

  It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk (1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you http://tfl.nu/bgwq
  Replies (55) Good night (8507) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics http://tfl.nu/3wmw
  Replies (68) Good night (10654) Bad night (2313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico. http://tfl.nu/ifni
  Replies (32) Good night (6209) Bad night (1471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious. http://tfl.nu/m393
  Replies (15) Good night (6796) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
  Replies (150) Good night (14466) Bad night (3217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What are we going to do tonight?

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What we try to do every night. Take over the world

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): What are we going to do tonight? (704): What we try to do every night. Take over the world http://tfl.nu/y4va
  Replies (30) Good night (4198) Bad night (593)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88
  Replies (13) Good night (5028) Bad night (987) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
  Replies (38) Good night (8765) Bad night (1217)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone. http://tfl.nu/mzb6
  Replies (7) Good night (1321) Bad night (2627)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
  Replies (19) Good night (8406) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her http://tfl.nu/1b2q
  Replies (22) Good night (923) Bad night (8058) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them http://tfl.nu/3anm
  Replies (10) Good night (3176) Bad night (1578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
  Replies (45) Good night (25450) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me. http://tfl.nu/5jau
  Replies (18) Good night (4521) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week. http://tfl.nu/7fuh
  Replies (62) Good night (7323) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
  Replies (18) Good night (5283) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks http://tfl.nu/c3vj
  Replies (49) Good night (4341) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell http://tfl.nu/rk2d
  Replies (9) Good night (3223) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash http://tfl.nu/ibz5
  Replies (16) Good night (2421) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We named our party play list daddy issues

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): We named our party play list daddy issues http://tfl.nu/zy7m
  Replies (4) Good night (2552) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (91) Good night (24625) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing. http://tfl.nu/dymp
  Replies (56) Good night (7818) Bad night (1240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee (704): Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her http://tfl.nu/95cd
  Replies (23) Good night (4410) Bad night (641)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this? http://tfl.nu/q6uf
  Replies (44) Good night (6278) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested http://tfl.nu/mffy
  Replies (7) Good night (1661) Bad night (2532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
  Replies (24) Good night (8705) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States. http://tfl.nu/t1qp
  Replies (16) Good night (6359) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You? http://tfl.nu/j4cx
  Replies (17) Good night (7407) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some. http://tfl.nu/ntfp
  Replies (12) Good night (1122) Bad night (5132) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
  Replies (20) Good night (7651) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right? http://tfl.nu/9j2v
  Replies (38) Good night (7454) Bad night (1694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112223) Bad night (9729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  If you're joking I'm going to be sad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's. (919): If you're joking I'm going to be sad http://tfl.nu/jh0h
  Replies (40) Good night (8914) Bad night (697)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
  Replies (20) Good night (4215) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
  Replies (38) Good night (17188) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south. http://tfl.nu/bzzh
  Replies (10) Good night (2858) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman. http://tfl.nu/6efe
  Replies (9) Good night (3329) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
  Replies (44) Good night (9966) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ir0f
  Replies (8) Good night (4556) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5? http://tfl.nu/3tc1
  Replies (15) Good night (7394) Bad night (810)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
  Replies (30) Good night (12345) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring http://tfl.nu/hl5v
  Replies (13) Good night (889) Bad night (5833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper http://tfl.nu/xl5z
  Replies (89) Good night (9697) Bad night (1522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

  (231): View more from Michigan

  OMG its one we used last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing" (231): OMG its one we used last night http://tfl.nu/jpyf
  Replies (19) Good night (990) Bad night (9084)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you. http://tfl.nu/6oks
  Replies (11) Good night (3191) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before http://tfl.nu/9107
  Replies (20) Good night (5170) Bad night (1103)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
  Replies (11) Good night (4365) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok. http://tfl.nu/sac8
  Replies (15) Good night (1732) Bad night (4413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right? http://tfl.nu/n56d
  Replies (10) Good night (4393) Bad night (1525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs? http://tfl.nu/bbo7
  Replies (28) Good night (4911) Bad night (1558) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS. http://tfl.nu/tzd0
  Replies (47) Good night (751) Bad night (9382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
  Replies (148) Good night (3402) Bad night (12191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
  Replies (34) Good night (2196) Bad night (7963)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
  Replies (39) Good night (12563) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot... http://tfl.nu/oqxd
  Replies (17) Good night (8107) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day. http://tfl.nu/v32p
  Replies (10) Good night (1042) Bad night (4436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool (252): Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five http://tfl.nu/6bci
  Replies (13) Good night (6131) Bad night (794)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself. http://tfl.nu/lbys
  Replies (14) Good night (4468) Bad night (865)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them. http://tfl.nu/jd8a
  Replies (21) Good night (8203) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp
  Replies (25) Good night (1140) Bad night (4653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Haha did she know what fisting meant?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that. (1-734): Haha did she know what fisting meant? (734): Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself http://tfl.nu/kykk
  Replies (21) Good night (1207) Bad night (5205)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys http://tfl.nu/ae48
  Replies (22) Good night (6547) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps http://tfl.nu/jjp1
  Replies (7) Good night (4726) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Church boner. Awkwardddd

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Church boner. Awkwardddd http://tfl.nu/s9a2
  Replies (43) Good night (2476) Bad night (5407) Order T-Shirt