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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He told me they were just razor bumps!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
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