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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
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