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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Your dad touched me again.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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