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The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I will be naked everywhere
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!"Â, then passed out on the couch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that y
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