Texts From Last Night · AmandaKLynn's Favorites

AmandaKLynn's Favorites Texts:

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(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(916): View more from California

Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

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(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(903): View more from Texas

All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(408): View more from California

every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

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(831): View more from California

Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(585): View more from New York

Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(440): View more from Ohio

The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(360): View more from Washington

last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne

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(850): View more from Florida

come over anyways, right now, right this second

(850): View more from Florida

it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

(561): View more from Florida

wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

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(732): View more from New Jersey

been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

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(248): View more from Michigan

Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(504): View more from Louisiana

insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(252): View more from North Carolina

im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(720): View more from Colorado

More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

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(903): View more from Texas

The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(951): View more from California

so let's talk penis.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(716): View more from New York

You can't have your penis and eat it, too.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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(317): View more from Indiana

i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants

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(209): View more from California

Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(317): View more from Indiana

i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(512): View more from Texas

its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

How'd it feel making her break her religion?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

that's Oklahoma for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(562): View more from California

hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face

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(585): View more from New York

are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina

(804): View more from Virginia

not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends

(704): View more from North Carolina

Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis

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(636): View more from Missouri

I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im holly from the hills drunk

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(586): View more from Michigan

matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(845): View more from New York

This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just googled if crying burns calories

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(386): View more from Florida

Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(214): View more from Texas

ugly people sure do ruin things

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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