Texts From Last Night

AmCat's Favorites Texts:

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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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  (512): Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon http://tfl.nu/vd4z
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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  (919): Well douche your snatch and let's go! http://tfl.nu/3ukm
  Replies (5) Good night (1069) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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  (508): dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced. http://tfl.nu/9kh7
  Replies (23) Good night (677) Bad night (8381) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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  (405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you. (1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from? http://tfl.nu/2t13
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

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  (847): Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did? http://tfl.nu/wv87
  Replies (37) Good night (4127) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  did you hook up austin?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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  (269): did you hook up austin? (248): No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed http://tfl.nu/3mnz
  Replies (5) Good night (496) Bad night (1165)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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  (614): No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog. http://tfl.nu/lwrd
  Replies (11) Good night (5350) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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  (845): I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/36t1
  Replies (32) Good night (1816) Bad night (6161) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (33610) Bad night (701)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that

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  (217): You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that http://tfl.nu/ym20
  Replies (53) Good night (1148) Bad night (2696) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
  Replies (33) Good night (23487) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
  Replies (66) Good night (26196) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (78) Good night (29235) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (101) Good night (36354) Bad night (1388)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (109) Good night (36296) Bad night (2642)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (107) Good night (38226) Bad night (1587)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39802) Bad night (3541)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
  Replies (106) Good night (47440) Bad night (1281) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (52287) Bad night (3933) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You know how to spell recollection?

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  (724): You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there (412): You know how to spell recollection? http://tfl.nu/3vjh
  Replies (16) Good night (5154) Bad night (1119)
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  (347): View more from New York

  weddingsv make me drug and hornr

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  (347): weddingsv make me drug and hornr http://tfl.nu/r9x4
  Replies (8) Good night (784) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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  (204): this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol (1-204): you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on http://tfl.nu/g8v3
  Replies (10) Good night (745) Bad night (3555) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber

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  (443): he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber http://tfl.nu/w4rq
  Replies (20) Good night (1419) Bad night (4645) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier

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  (845): Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier http://tfl.nu/ue73
  Replies (33) Good night (374) Bad night (8007) Order T-Shirt
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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  (848): it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away http://tfl.nu/wxvn
  Replies (16) Good night (576) Bad night (5833) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
  Replies (23) Good night (9502) Bad night (621)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
  Replies (13) Good night (5764) Bad night (377)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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  (217): Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking? (217): Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate http://tfl.nu/x0ta
  Replies (9) Good night (1355) Bad night (450)
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
  Replies (20) Good night (3994) Bad night (753)
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  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
  Replies (13) Good night (4622) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
  Replies (7) Good night (2172) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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  (828): the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife http://tfl.nu/ib00
  Replies (66) Good night (7590) Bad night (1960) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
  Replies (24) Good night (3356) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
  Replies (74) Good night (17112) Bad night (544)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (30891) Bad night (1343)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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  (713): just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal http://tfl.nu/dg00
  Replies (10) Good night (3132) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (48981) Bad night (2212) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
  Replies (14) Good night (5635) Bad night (1214) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
  Replies (34) Good night (1839) Bad night (2247)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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  (402): Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails" http://tfl.nu/xka9
  Replies (6) Good night (2385) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Jake died.

  (310): View more from California

  WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

  (818): View more from California

  Oops typo. Jake cried.

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  (818): Jake died. (310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me???? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried. http://tfl.nu/zib8
  Replies (41) Good night (4454) Bad night (1014)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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  (715): He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now. http://tfl.nu/ppv0
  Replies (7) Good night (2747) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
  Replies (31) Good night (9348) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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  (239): just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried. http://tfl.nu/7tbj
  Replies (15) Good night (5061) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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  (717): he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club http://tfl.nu/6yea
  Replies (8) Good night (4898) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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  (813): I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit." http://tfl.nu/z2kp
  Replies (64) Good night (7544) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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  (248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth." http://tfl.nu/c9w9
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (15444) Bad night (977)
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  (607): View more from New York

  Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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  (607): Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave. http://tfl.nu/8ei2
  Replies (12) Good night (1296) Bad night (5514) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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  (585): In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is? http://tfl.nu/537k
  Replies (13) Good night (3184) Bad night (961)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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  (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g
  Replies (25) Good night (7541) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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  (316): You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath. http://tfl.nu/tem9
  Replies (1) Good night (1337) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis

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  (631): guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis http://tfl.nu/a1d7
  Replies (21) Good night (567) Bad night (2845) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.

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  (704): You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view. http://tfl.nu/adtw
  Replies (5) Good night (2357) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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  (248): The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children http://tfl.nu/7xpu
  Replies (6) Good night (3952) Bad night (469)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you guys were way drunker than both of me

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  (612): you guys were way drunker than both of me http://tfl.nu/x140
  Replies (11) Good night (8949) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (510): View more from California

  I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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  (510): I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear http://tfl.nu/ry3a
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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  (508): So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test. http://tfl.nu/gxsj
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  (+30): View more from

  Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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  (+30): Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi http://tfl.nu/acnu
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

  (1+44): View more from

  When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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  (+44): You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man. (1+44): When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree. http://tfl.nu/esvb
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

  (406): View more from Montana

  Ok, i'm coming over

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  (320): It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now. (320): He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage. (406): Ok, i'm coming over http://tfl.nu/vi8g
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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  (613): She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone. http://tfl.nu/b8gy
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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  (478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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  (647): i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces. http://tfl.nu/7l8v
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.

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  (561): Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo. http://tfl.nu/xop1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I am puke

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  (617): I am puke http://tfl.nu/8ec4
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  (716): View more from New York

  ... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace

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  (716): ... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace http://tfl.nu/lenw
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

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  (317): i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone. http://tfl.nu/ph56
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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  (480): I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends. http://tfl.nu/9x75
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

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  (313): Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes. http://tfl.nu/gyak
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

  (352): View more from Florida

  Like they're going to fly away?

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  (407): I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much (352): Like they're going to fly away? http://tfl.nu/z6w4
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

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  (734): I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue. http://tfl.nu/xccr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  capris are just wrong

  (703): View more from Virginia

  its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

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  (703): capris are just wrong (703): its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!" http://tfl.nu/xkxd
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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  (434): Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit... (434): I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade http://tfl.nu/qzwf
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  (207): View more from Maine

  in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

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  (207): in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask http://tfl.nu/lip1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.

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  (702): jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working. http://tfl.nu/9tde
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna

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  (847): I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna http://tfl.nu/isgx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

  (214): View more from Texas

  ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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  (508): hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi (214): ok, stay where you are, be there soon http://tfl.nu/1y99
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (752): View more from California

  i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

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  (752): i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt http://tfl.nu/4czo
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

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  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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  (407): At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"! http://tfl.nu/ehkr
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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  (250): I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you. http://tfl.nu/p3o8
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  (631): View more from New York

  all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.

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  (631): all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight. http://tfl.nu/hryw
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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  (319): the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy". http://tfl.nu/gh3y
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  (361): View more from Texas

  What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  These are the tickets we got last night.

  (361): View more from Texas

  Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Yes...yes you did.

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  (361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen? (1-361): These are the tickets we got last night. (361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear? (1-361): Yes...yes you did. http://tfl.nu/myva
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

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  (847): I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help. http://tfl.nu/0kqr
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Haha how much did you smoke

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  4 feet of smokeee!

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  (570): "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another? (609): Haha how much did you smoke (570): 4 feet of smokeee! http://tfl.nu/eyp0
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I just pynch a tree in the face

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  (336): I just pynch a tree in the face http://tfl.nu/eknu
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.

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  (706): Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number. http://tfl.nu/7aw5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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  (301): he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd http://tfl.nu/beck
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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  (662): He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv. http://tfl.nu/kqij
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong

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  (704): we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong http://tfl.nu/wuam
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.

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  (919): i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment. http://tfl.nu/f76z
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
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  (727): View more from Florida

  wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  (727): View more from Florida

  ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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  (727): wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (727): ooooooooooooo i'm drink http://tfl.nu/m1fg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Yes.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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  (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!! (763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria http://tfl.nu/wx8p
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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  (570): I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days? http://tfl.nu/o3ms
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
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  (561): View more from Florida

  u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

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  (561): u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring http://tfl.nu/ljb6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.

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  (248): new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home. http://tfl.nu/dmz8
  Replies (49) Good night (5040) Bad night (1956) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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  (616): Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past. (616): I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures? http://tfl.nu/o51k
  Replies (4) Good night (2506) Bad night (1032)