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we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
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