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The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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