Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (919)

Last Night in North Carolina (919)

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so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd

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Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f

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Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9

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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e

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The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt

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So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

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And that worked?

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9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso

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You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(919): You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume. http://tfl.nu/gckc

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i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles" http://tfl.nu/049n

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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56

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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u

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i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(919): i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ilti

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Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(919): Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room. http://tfl.nu/3ukp

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We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

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If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(704): We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's. (919): If you're joking I'm going to be sad http://tfl.nu/jh0h

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Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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(919): Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd. http://tfl.nu/5f3i

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Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

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Are you talking about my vagina?

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(252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it (919): Are you talking about my vagina? http://tfl.nu/sfmr

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Last Night in North Carolina (919)

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