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im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
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