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happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
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