Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Kansas (316)

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  sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.

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  (316): sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe. http://tfl.nu/nxxv
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  I cut my penus on the lid.

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  (316): I cut my penus on the lid. http://tfl.nu/uger
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  No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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  (316): No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here. http://tfl.nu/05bz
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  I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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  (316): I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen? http://tfl.nu/l8m2
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  She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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  (316): She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar.... http://tfl.nu/1ee9
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  toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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  (316): toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials. http://tfl.nu/kc0s
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  My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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  (316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq
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  Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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  (316): Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can. http://tfl.nu/zubg
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  Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair

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  (316): Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair http://tfl.nu/yhl2
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  I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

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  (316): I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day http://tfl.nu/h30u
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  As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.

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  (316): As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on. http://tfl.nu/xyx3
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  Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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  (316): Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth. http://tfl.nu/ew3b
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  i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?

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  (316): i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up? http://tfl.nu/ciml
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  Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range

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  (316): Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range http://tfl.nu/j5nd
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  i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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  (316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl
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