Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (301)

Last Night in Maryland (301)

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please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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(301): please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now http://tfl.nu/10rh

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It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d

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soooo we both peed the bed last night...

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(301): soooo we both peed the bed last night... http://tfl.nu/xqno

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The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.

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(301): The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me. http://tfl.nu/hdf0

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I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(301): I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy. http://tfl.nu/8tq8

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There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(301): There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself http://tfl.nu/388v

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chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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(301): chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING. http://tfl.nu/oa1d

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My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!

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(301): My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW! http://tfl.nu/gdwn

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Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

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Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. http://tfl.nu/a4j3

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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(301): Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip. http://tfl.nu/7yby

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My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(301): My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make. http://tfl.nu/4how

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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

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How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

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Salt in an open wound right now.

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(301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1

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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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(301): The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend. http://tfl.nu/xomb

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this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.

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(301): this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately. http://tfl.nu/cwhn

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I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."

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(301): I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free." http://tfl.nu/6sne

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Last Night in Maryland (301)

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