so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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