He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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