My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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