Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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