Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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