someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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