You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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