M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize