quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My vagina just recognized that song.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize