Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The air taste purple.
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