This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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