i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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